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Call from Afghanistan
By TwistedTales
14 May 2008
Something I came across while going through the news on the internet. And I thought I can make a story out of it, so here it is.

Looking forward to your feedbacks/comments/suggestions. 

Philip and Mary had just returned home after attending Paul’s wedding, their common friend, Ronald’s son. Ever since Paul’s mother had succumbed to cancer a few year’s ago, Mary had become almost a second mother to him.

 ‘Such a nice wedding. Georgia is so lucky to have found someone like Paul,’ Mary said. She stood in front of the mirror in the hall, admiring her flowing, cream color chiffon gown.

 ‘And I am lucky to have you,’ Philip said. He came from behind, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the neck.

 ‘I hope Shawn gets married too…some day,’ Mary said wistfully.

 ‘Don’t worry hun. Our son will come home any time now,’ Philip said. He placed his chin on her shoulder and looked at her in the mirror.

 ‘It’s just not fair. How can one man decide the fate of millions? Who is he to declare war and send my son to that god-forbidden place like Afghanistan?’ Mary said. Her face was creased with rage.

 ‘Mary, we’ve talked about this. It was needed at that time. Did you expect US to sit like a handicap and watch that Paki bastard destroy our country? I admire President Bush for having the balls to do what he did.’ Philip removed his hands from around Mary, went about folding the sleeves of his shirt.      

 ‘Well, go and live with your Bush then. He's the reason why our son has been away from us for seven years now, the reason why he won’t get married. I don’t understand his devotion towards the country that sent him to that hell hole. He puts his life at risk every day and for what? And we in this age have to live alone.’ Mary turned towards Philip and looked at him with anguish.  

 ‘Mary please stop being stupid. If we hadn’t attacked his country back, God knows how many more Americans he would’ve killed?’ Philip began undoing the sleeves he’d just rolled up.

 ‘No matter what you say Philip, I can never bring myself to buy into his reason for attacking Afghanistan.’ Mary moved towards the stairs that led to her bedroom.

 ‘But that's where he lives. Forget it. There is no point talking to you. My son makes me proud. I wish I could get to kick some terrorist ass.’ Philip punched the air like a boxer.

 ‘Enough Philip. Stop it. I am tired. I am going to bed. And if you are able to get rid of all that hatred in your heart, you can too,’ Mary said, and made her way upstairs. 

 ‘I am going to watch some news and get some updates on the war situation.’ Philip sat on the couch and put his feet up on the table.

 ‘Sure. See how many people were unnecessarily killed....Is that your phone ringing by the way? It could be Shawn,’ Mary said, and came back down the stairs.

 ‘You are right, it is Shawn,’ Philip said, while he took his phone out of his jacket pocket. 

 ‘Hey Shawn, what’s up my boy?’ He pressed the phone hard against his ears...‘I can’t hear anything Mary, just gunshots.’ Philip closed his other ear with his index finger to help hearing.

 ‘Oh my God. Is he ok?’ Mary pressed her ear against the phone as well.

 ‘They are coming, they are coming in. Take your position boys,’ someone said in an urgent voice on the other side. 

  ‘They are coming in?’ Philip looked at Mary and raised his palm more like a question. 

 ‘Who is coming in Philip? Who is coming in?’ Mary shook Philip by his shoulder.

 ‘I don’t know Mary. I am not there am I?’

    Mary snatched the phone from Philip’s hand. 

 ‘Hello? Shawn. Hello. Hello. Hello. I don’t think he can hear me.’

 ‘Sir Tony’s hurt. We need help. Quick,’ a younger voice was the speaker this time.

 ‘Somebody take him back into the tent,’ the same robust voice replied.  

 ‘More Ammo. Ammo!’ someone said. It was apparent that the situation was getting out of control. 

 ‘Hello Shawn? Talk to me Shawn,’ Mary said, screaming and pleading at the same time.

 ‘Is he saying anything?’ Philip asked and pressed his ear against the phone.

 ‘No, I hear bombs, oh my God, oh my God. I hope he is fine.’ Mary got up and started pacing around the room.

 ‘Of course he's fine honey.’ Philip said following her.

 ‘How do you know Philip?’ she said, suddenly stopping and looking at him.

 ‘Shawn?’ she spoke again into the phone

 ‘Don’t panic Mary. He's fine. I know he's fine,’ Philip said, clasping his hands and rubbing them together.  

 ‘The bastards are using rocket-propelled grenades,’ a new voice bellowed on the other side.

 ‘That was Shawn. I heard him speak right now. Shawn?’ Mary pressed the receiver harder to her mouth. 

 ‘What is he saying? Give me the phone, give me the phone,’ Philip said, and tried pulling it away from her.

 ‘Something about grenades. No I am not giving you the phone,’ Mary said, and slapped his hand.

 ‘They are attacking us and then hiding in their caves like fucking rats. We need to smoke them out of their bunkers. I want you all to press forward.’ It was the same male voice that gave the orders.

 ‘We underestimated their strength Sergeant. I believe there over 2,000 of ‘em and they are getting reinforcements. We might have a problem.’ Another voice spoke this time in a slightly foreign accent.   

 ‘None of my men are backing out of this. We are going to fight these bastards and show them what we are made of,’ the male ordered again.  

 ‘Yes Sergeant,’ Shawn said.

‘That was Shawn again. They're going to attack the terrorists, but they are more in number it seems,’ Mary looked at Philip for a second and went back to the phone.

‘Alright!’ Philip said cheerfully. ‘Go for it Shawn. Kick some ass.’

‘Philip. They are terrorists. They are animals. Our son is in there. What is wrong with you?’ Mary bawled.

‘He's in the army. It’s his job,’ Philip said and gestured as if he was holding a gun.

‘Sergeant why don’t we split up in groups of fifty and attack isolated posts and split again in groups of ten if they attack?’ Shawn said.

‘It was Shawn. He is suggesting something to his senior. Shawn? Talk to me. Hello? Hello? Hel…?’       

‘What happened Mary?’

‘It got disconnected.’

‘Call him again.’

   When Mary dialed Shawn’s number she kept getting a busy tone. Mary and Philip couldn’t sleep that night. They kept trying the number every half an hour, taking turns. After a sleepless night, an anxious morning, and repeated calls, they finally got through to their son in the afternoon.  

 ‘Hello. Shawn? Shawn, Shawn, Shawn.’ Mary broke down. ‘Are you OK? What happened? Were they too many of them? Was anybody injured…killed? Is everything alright there?’

 ‘Mom, mom calm down. What are you talking about? Nothing happened,’ Shawn said.     

 ‘You’d called yesterday right? But you didn’t talk to us. We only heard bombs and gunfire in the background. We got really scared. Tim came to my mind. He was such a nice boy. I thought the same would happen to you and we'll never see you again,’ she said sobbing. ‘And before we could hear anything else, the phone got disconnected.’

 ‘Really? You heard all that?’ Shawn said embarrassedly. 

 ‘Yeah.’

 ‘I don’t know how. I didn’t call you guys.’

 ‘Then how did it happen?’ Mary asked.

 ‘I don’t know mom.’

 ‘Give me the phone. Give-me-the-phone,’ Philip said, grunting every word.

 ‘Here talk to your dad. He's standing on my head,’ Mary said, and shoved the phone into his hand.     

 ‘Shawn. Son. Are you fine? How many of those bastards did you kill?’ Philip said, trying to act macho, once it was evident that Shawn was alright.

 ‘Dad I am fine. We did manage to kill most of them.’

 ‘That’s my boy. But how did you manage to call us amidst all that chaos?’

 ‘It must’ve redialed or something. The button must’ve pressed up against the ground. I am sorry you guys had to hear those things,’ Shawn said apologetically.

 ‘It’s alright son. You take care now. You mother wants to say goodbye. By the way I’d told her not to worry,’ he said and rolled his eyes.

 ‘Bye son. You take care and call me soon.’

 'Thank God he is fine.’ Philip grabbed a beer from the fridge and turned on the TV. Mary looked at Shawn’s picture sitting on the mantle shelf above the fire place before going to her room.

 

 

 

          

 

 

  

Reviews

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3141 comments posted) 14th May 2008
I'm guessing this was a real-life incident from your introduction which you dramatised. I think you have drawn it out well. The two characters were very quickly established and the conflict between them powered the story along. The dialogue was fast paced and carried a lot of character revelation. I wasn't sure of their nationality.I hope I'm not being racist here but they did seem a bit too articulate and coherent to be Americans. It felt a little formal for people who had been married years so I wondered if they were from another culture. 
It was certainly a really terrible situation for any parent to have to deal with and their reactions really polarised them and made me wonder what they were doing together, and that ending- with her resting on his shoulder didn't feel right after all the differences.That needs some explanation or a different ending. I must admit that after all that drama I was hoping for an ending to match 
Some very good character work and you kept the whole story going. 
cheers 
jane

Written by mia_ms_kim (891 comments posted) 14th May 2008
This was very readable, TT. The different stance each partner takes on the war, and the mobile phone ringing from their son in Afghanistan with the terrible battle going on, then the son not picking up his phone afterwards, they all created such tension that pulled the reader right into the story. But I was puzzled at the end, by the conversation they have wiht their son. I had a distinct impression that it really wasn't a battle sound the parents heard, but some computer game the soldiers were playing??? And can people ring soliders in Afghanistan just like that? Do soldiers even carry mobile phones? I was surprised by that piece of information. 
Mia 8)

Written by TwistedTales (454 comments posted) 15th May 2008
Thanks Jane. I was indeed aiming for Americans, :)...but too articulate? I don't know how that happened...and about the ending...their differences are only about the war, otherwise I had meant them to be a normal, loving couple. Although I have changed the ending slightly. May be it works better now? And I hadn't intended for any twist per say. :)  
 
Mia - Apparently they do carry mobile phones. Read about it in the article I based this piece on. Thanks for your comments. And the toned down reply from her son was because he didn't want his parents to worry about him and there indeed was a war. Thanks again Mia.  
 
Regards, 
TT
Additional
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3141 comments posted) 15th May 2008
Perhaps I am being unfair to Americans or maybe I've just watched too many old films, but other things made me wonder about their nationality. He said "America" instead of saying "us" or "our country" Amercians do identify very strongly with their country and he said "Bush" instead of "the president". They do like titles.This is only small stuff and I may be reading too much into little things. It's just how it came across to me 
And if there were a few little shows of affection between them,just little things, to show they are really a loving couple with one area of disagreement. I just thought they hated each other, till the ending 
I do think this is one of your best pieces, though.I enjoyed it.

Written by bluecity (311 comments posted) 17th May 2008
Hello TwistedTales. This is a great story. I liked the way you moved from the commonplace to the horrific, and i particularly enjoyed the way the boy tried to play down the incident the previous night, as in: 
 
‘Mom, mom calm down. What are you talking about? Nothing happened,’ Shawn said." 
 
That's what soldiers do, I'm afraid. 
 
But would he have said, "Calm down," like a Scouser? Wouldn't "Chill, Mom!" be more of an American expression? I think, generally, you needed to Americanise the speech - not too difficult in our over-Americanised world, I'm afraid. 
 
Also, your beginning was ever so slightly dull - although, I suppose ,I did read on and Charlotte Bronte started Jane Eyre with "It was too cold to go for a walk that day..." 
 
Great story, Twisted! I'm now looking out for your next. 
 
Rosemary 
 
 

Written by Canadian_Bacon (96 comments posted) 17th May 2008
Hey TT, 
 
I actually don't think you need to Americanize the speech at all. Writing something like, "Chill, mom!" would make the dialogue ring false; it would be obvious that you were trying to Americanize it. 
 
I was sort of thrown off by the lack of contractions (don't, I'm, etc.) 
For example, "I hope he is fine." People generally speak in the laziest way possible, which would mean using 'he's' instead of 'he is'. 
At least, that's how it is where I live (Canada). 
 
Jane does have a point about identifying Bush with his title; the ardent patriot would likely call him by his title once or twice, but other than that just 'Bush' is fine. The wife, on the other hand, would certainly not identify him as the president. 
 
Also, I think saying "America" rather than "us" is fine, because it clears up the doubt about what country they're from, and you can justify it by saying that a patriotic man loves to express his nationalism. 
 
-Mike 
 

Written by TwistedTales (454 comments posted) 17th May 2008
Thank you very much Rosemary and Mike for the helpful comments. I will try and fix most of it. These little things matter so much...thanks again for pointing me in that direction.  
 
Regards, 
TT
hiya TT
Written by Leo (573 comments posted) 18th May 2008
a neat little piece of writing. 
 
i enjoyed the whole telephone device a lot. the impotence of onlookers etc 
 
well done bud!
Hey buddy
Written by TwistedTales (454 comments posted) 18th May 2008
Thanks for your comments. Good to have you back on GW 
 
Regards, 
TT

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