When the Right Honorable John Reid MP started his eventful tenure as Home Secretary, he described the sprawling, chaotic morass of directorates, departments and agencies commonly called the Home Office as "not fit for purpose". 

Just under a month after Rt Hon Mr Reid assumed his new role, my loving wife came to the UK for the first time. What follows is a tale of deliberate hassling, obstruction and incompetence that seems to be designed to make the lives of legitimate immigrants a total nightmare.

Jade Blossom was ever so excited the day she got her visa: she forgot the time difference (8 hours) and the cost of the call (significant) to call me right there from the Visa Application Centre to say she'd picked up her with visa passport and wanted to come here on nth June. Would I mind collecting her, please. It was xth May at this point, so no cheap tickets were available; still, I'm not a bad husband, for going just to spend 4 days at home and help her navigate the airports, no?

Immigration to any country is a complex matter. The laws are different, the procedures are different, the language, culture and attitudes are different. You tend to arrive without your friends or family around to help and somehow have to find a way to fit in. One would think that governments would try to make things a little bit easy, especially from a legal point of view, like maybe print some guidelines on what to do before and when you get to their country? Apparently not. The UK is one of many hundreds of countries that just expect you somehow to learn your way about by some sort of inter-cultural osmosis, rather than by a 1 penny, neatly-printed, A4 sheet.

Did you know that all immigrants planning to spend more than 56 days in the country are required to have a chest x-ray? No? Neither did we. This little detail doesn't appear on any website, guideline or neatly-printed A4 sheet but is instead sprung upon the immigrant at the point of entry. Apparently it's to detect whether or not you have TB.

Picture this: you've just left your home and family to spend 12 hours sealed in a flying aluminium tube breathing recycled air with 400 strangers and one husband, landed feeling tired and stressed in a country that is, judging by the airports, quite clearly insane. Before you're let out into the rest of the country, you have to bare your chest to a total stranger and be zapped with radiation, all at the creaking pensioner-with-a-seized-hip speed of the NHS. Baring your chest to a total stranger is, by the way, a cultural no-no for the Chinese, unless you're in a community bath-house or unless you're a hooker.

While waiting for Jade Blossom to be toasted gently by high-energy photons, I was watching some others coming through. On hand in the little "medical centre" are: no translaters, no doctors, no paramedics. A white man, I think English, came in complaining of chest pains and sweating badly. He was told to proceed through passport control and contact the ambulance from there, as they weren't allowed into that bit of the airport and nobody on-site could help him. I never did find out whether he made it before his heart packed up. The queue was pretty long, though.  Another young Korean girl had arrived on a student visa. I suppose she must have had friends already over here as she'd arrived armed with an x-ray negative so fresh it still smelled of development chemicals. It was rejected. Why? "Well the wri'ing up the side is wri'en in forrin, innit?"

At length, after 12 hours sealed in a tube, landing, answering some questions and sacrificing her dignity, Jade Blossom is set loose into the country. Sometime later still I manage to remember where I'd parked. Many hours later, after falling asleep behind the wheel twice, stopping for coffee once and wondering why I'd ever left China a thousand times, we made it home. And that was the end of day 1.

Being an organised sort, I'd asked the immigration officer at the airport whether Jade Blossom needed to be registered with the police on entry. This rule didn't exist when I arrived, but I'd read about it and felt it better to know. I was told with certainty, "nope, no registration needed for spouses". And thought no more about it. So of course 3 weeks later I receive the threat letter from the police, "why haven't you registered? Do it on Tuesday or we arrest you" (letter received Monday). I phoned and complained, eventually reaching the person I needed to talk to on Wednesday. My wife, in the meantime, remained unarrested. So after sending in a photocopy of Jade Blossom's passport and visa, I heard nothing else and thought no more about it.

Being an equally organised sort, I'd checked what we needed to do to get Jade Blossom's permanent residence. Finding it unchanged from when I got mine, I popped a new divider in the filing cabinet, started collecting what little post she received and thought no more about it.

On 2nd April 2007, Mr Reid, having done the political equivalent of kick over an ants nest on the Home Office moved the goal posts for all immigrants. This passed with nary a news item: there was no BBC "Have Your Say" on the new immigration rules, they neither cause nor cure cancer according to the Daily Mail and even the Daily Express didn't decide they were either the "will of the silent majority" or "sending us to hell in a handcart". What rule change was this?

A couple of Home Secretaries ago (I forget how many) the idea of a citizenship test was floated. This eventually became the Life in the UK Test test, complete with tautology. For most of you, who have never read the LitUKT test book, it's a potted history and analysis of the history of Britain, and the morals and values a focus group thought Britain should share. It's quite fair to say most native Britons, apart from a few middle-class denizens of St Albans, would fail it.

The test was implemented and intended for those wishing to gain British Citizenship. Jade Blossom, like me, quite like our own nationality and don't wish to be forced into relinquishing it. Mr Reid, however, changed it again so that all people wishing to gain permanent residence needed to take the test. To coincide with this change of policy, a new issue of the book was released (subtitle still "Your Journey to British Citizenship") and all tests to be based on the new edition. Bad news if you're booked in to sit a test on the 4th April and you learned the 1st edition book.

We found out about this last September. We found out last week that we should have been entitled to means-tested English lessons in our region.

While he was at it, Mr Reid tightened up the requirements on proof of co-habitation required for people applying for permanent residence as a spouse. No longer are "letters" enough, but they must be "letters addressed to both of you". This wouldn't in theory be a problem if common sense was applied, however a call to the Home Office helpline put me through to a rather unpleasant gentleman who took great delight in informing me that my wife would be thrown out of the country if we didn't have enough letters. We organised for Jade Blossom's name to appear on some more letters.

Just a word about letters: once you're in the system, it is strikingly easy to get letters sent to yourself, anywhere. Getting yourself into the system in the first place takes help from somebody already in it - it's kind of like nepotism, or freemasonry, but on a national level. Jade Blossom, on arriving, needed a bank account. Could she just walk into a bank and open an account? No. She needed letters to prove her name and address. Could she get those? No, she needed an account. Could I back her application to get her account opened? Why sure Mr Fan, you're in the system, if you say she's OK, she must be OK. That done, we could add her to bills, council tax statements, credit cards, all sent to an address purely on say-so. Letters do nothing to prove residence.

Then at the back end of last year the Really Good Stuff started. In November last year we received a threat letter saying that, because Jade Blossom had not registered with police, she had breached some condition or other and her visa was revoked. She had 7 days to leave England. I contacted the police officer I had spoken to before about her registration asking what had happened after I sent copies of her passport and visa through. Apparently the border official had ticked the wrong box to say "registration required" instead of "registration not required" and started a whole lot of needless processes. So armed with a letter from the newly-empowered Borders and Immigration Agency saying "no registration required", we wrote back to... the Borders and Immigration Agency, enclosing a copy of their own letter, telling them we have broken no laws and please call off the dogs. They did, though with a thinly veiled threat of "we'll be watching you" tone. And we thought no more about it.

Last Spring Festival we braved the prospect of ice and snow and went home for a month. It was rather good to be back in the family home and restored our spirits no end. It wasn't to last. On arrival back in the UK, the border official claimed Jade Blossom was flagged as an over-stayer and wasn't to be allowed in. The visa in the passport clearly said it had 3 months left to run, but no, the man at the counter insisted that her visa had ended on January 1st and she was to be returned to China. We complained, demanded the supervisor came over, pointed to the passport, pointed to the start and end dates of the visa, and date of first entry, and all the other entry-and-exit stamps it held. They took Jade Blossom's passport muttering something about "verifying the authenticity" of it. So there we were once again in Heathrow Terminal 3 passport control, after 12 hours sealed on a flying aluminium tube, and being made to wait for an hour while first the entry officers tried to prove Jade Blossom's passport fake, then her visa a fake, then finally owned up to making a mistake themselves and updating their computer.

Finally on the home straight, we decide that as Jade Blossom hasn't managed to learn the lies in the "Life in the UK Test" test (with tautology) book in time, we would apply for visa extension. I assemble all the documents. Because we want to go travelling again soon and didn't want to lose our passports for a month, we paid the premium for a face-to-face application. Further or Indefinite leave to remain costs £400 normally or £600 face to face. Being organised, I checked that we were applying at the right time and were assured, "yes Mr Fan, just right". So one Monday in April we haul ourselves out to Solihull, take a number, wait in line, go to a WINDOW and submit our form.
         "So you're applying for a short extension?" says the Iranian manning the window.
         "No, further leave to remain"
         "Wait."
A few minute later the Iranian is back.
         "We can't accept your application today. It's too soon. You need to book another appointment."
In the end we refused to move until they showed us where in the legislation it said they couldn't accept our application, because this "28 days before expiry thing" wasn't written anywhere on the form, the guidance notes or the website, and also insisted they book us an appointment there and then.

The second time we went to Solihull it was reasonably smooth and Jade Blossom got her visa, speedily processed by a very nice Rwandan woman.

If you think that all this fuss and heartache is unusual, have a look at the forums on easyexpat.com to see just how many people are having their lives made miserable by the system.

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All of the above has been as soothing for me to write as it's been dull for you to read. So to the point:

It is right and good that there are restrictions on immigration: the nation's resources are finite and will only cut so many times before it reduces people's life standard. I support this.

It is right and good that the onus of proof is on us to show that we're a genuine couple and not a sham marriage.

It is perfectly fair to ensure that the cost of our arrival is paid for, by us.

It is perfectly fair to remove those people that break the rules.

The issue is one of application: the Foreign Office, Home Office, UK Border Agency, Department for Work and Pensions, police and local authority do not work together to provide a continuous service. They're like stepping stones in a pond, with awfully large gaps to trap the unwary.

The Foreign Office handles the issue of visas to enter the UK in the first place. They know that there are procedures one must follow if they are to stay in the UK.

They know, for example, that some people must register with police and others not. If you are required to register, it should be stamped on the visa. Why is the converse not also true? Why do they not stamp, "no police registration" on there, to make things clear?

They know that most people coming to live here will need English lessons, and that funding is available for these lessons for certain people. Why is it left to a private company, learndirect, to help people find these courses?

They know that the procedures are a little bit different in England. A little note on how to register for council tax, the library, a doctor, and what we can and can't do would really be appreciated. Jade Blossom received a note listing all the benefits she can't claim with her extended residence: even that was better than the nothing the Foreign Office provided.

They know that chest x-rays must be provided, properly translated and backed by proof of the doctor's registration. Certainly this can be done in China. How come we weren't told?

It would take a single side of A4 to print generic details on all of this. Since we have to give an address when we apply for entry visa, a database-driven piece of A4 could include local telephone numbers.

A friend of ours has an English husband. He ran into difficulty some time ago and found it necessary to claim some of the benefits that are afforded to British taxpayers to make ends meet. He could probably write a similarly long piece on how complicated it is to exercise his right as a Brit to claim benefits while married to a foreigner: eventually he got it sorted and got his money, but again, not without being regarded as a criminal first. Why is this? Britons should all have equal claim, whether or not they choose to marry foreigners, or did I miss the point of socialism?

The police are required to handle registrations, but they are unaware that a person has entered the country until several weeks after they arrive. Why is this? Surely the issue of a visa requiring registration should automatically be passed to the police using the address we gave when we applied? I would accept to have all immigrants, myself included, register with the police. I would accept and actually welcome to have one of your Community Support Officers come by once in a while to see how we're getting on. Their report could be used as stronger evidence of a relationship by the Home Office than letters.

I can understand the point of learning English when living in England. I can understand that it is helpful to learn a little bit about the culture. But I can no more become a Briton than you can become a Chinese. It is impossible to fake that! So I think the "Life in the UK Test" test is a waste of money.

Lastly, a word on the cost: it cost £200 two years ago to get a 2 year visa, rising last year to £400. It cost us £600 to extend that visa for another 2 years, and will cost a further £400 - £600 depending on whether we do a postal application or an in-person application to get permanent residence at today's prices. The amount of time it actually took to process the application was a couple of hours and involved two people: 2 people times £30 per hour is £120. Where is the other £480 going? As I mentioned before, I support covering the costs of my application, but I object to being an easy source of revenue. The price of a fake passport is less than we have spent to remain legally.
Some effort has been made to make the Home Office more managable, but these changes don't go far enough. They make life difficult for legal immigrants, leaving us at the border without any idea where to go or what to do, leave potentially dangerous immigrants unattended and unmonitored, and don't follow up at all unless a computer alerts them to a breach of terms.

When it then comes to extending or confirming the stay in the UK, only the most cursory checks are made using documentation that is not reliable and nothing else. Apart from that, the only requirement for entry into, and staying in, the UK is the ability to keep paying.

In conclusion, the system is still "not fit for purpose". It doesn't protect you, the British, from bogus immigrants, it doesn't protect us, the immigrants from exploitation and it does nothing at all to kickstart integration and cultural harmony.