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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 14th May 2008 |
You can get hugged
Or worst still mugged
While texting on you mobile
Your folks despair
Cos you're just not there
While..........
A funny little piece I'm sure you could have gone on and on
cheers
jane |
Refreshing
Written by Fledermaus (3281 comments posted) 14th May 2008 |
A nice, simple and refreshing piece. It'd make a great commercial.
I just spoke someone from the USA btw, who was all surprised about all those Europeans texting on their mobiles. I wonder if it's typically European? |
thanks
Written by Daphnerules (28 comments posted) 14th May 2008 |
it's quite short and snappy and could go on forever .....uh
but do you have a mobile and if yes what type is it ? I love my mobile so much it's a pink nokia it's oval and it slides round to the side and then the other side like a 360 degree turn!
thanks Daphne xxx  |
See BBS Review!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 14th May 2008 |
Daphne - I like this, but I think you could do a lot more with your idea. As it is, it seems a bit 'throw-away' - like a poem that takes about 3 minutes to write.
Please don't take this the wrong way - I've done many myself.
But if you look at BBS's review above, I'm sure you'll agree that there's much more potential here.
My suggestion, for what it's worth?
Revisit this, rewrite and make it stronger!
I think you can.
Cheers!
John X |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1017 comments posted) 14th May 2008 |
I agree with Fledermaus. I think this will make a good commercial for mobile phones. You have a pink oval one that slides around 360 deg? Wow! Mobiles are becoming almost like pets these days. Maybe they should invent walking and barking mobile phones - seriously. We text a lot in oz, too. Some kids can do it in blinding speed!
Mia |
u got it!
Written by Daphnerules (28 comments posted) 15th May 2008 |
Katanga, please tell me what else i could do with it.
I dont know where to go like what should i do, what other lines |
Written by rui (150 comments posted) 15th May 2008 |
I read somewhere the texting speed record was held by a Japanese kid who could text at over 8 words per minute. That's fast!
From what I've seen, all of us, Chinese, Singaporean, Korean, Japanese... we're all addicted to our cellphones, and texting is the bread and butter of it.
In the community bath house last spring festival, there were a couple of people sitting in the hot tub happily texting away on their cellphones while also keeping up with the general conversation. Pity if one were to drop it.
So... you can scrub, you can soak, while texting on your mobile. Enjoyed. |
Sorry!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 15th May 2008 |
Thanks for your pm. But sorry, Daphne, I can't write your poem for you and I'm sure you wouldn't want me to try and give you more lines. They have to come from you and you clearly have good ideas.
I suggest you start with Bottleblondesurfer's (Jane's) ideas above, in your first review of this piece.
In other words I would try experimenting with some of the nasty things that can happen 'while texting on your mobile' to add balance to the jolly singing and dancing stuff and depth to the poem over all.
e.g. car crashes?
This would, of course completely alter the feel of what you've got already - up to you!
Cheers!
John |
Written by rui (150 comments posted) 15th May 2008 |
Um "8 words per minute". I meant of course "80 words per minute".
*you can make lots of mistakes*
*while texting on your cellphone* |
Rui, 80 words/min???
Written by mia_ms_kim (1017 comments posted) 15th May 2008 |
Does the Japanese kid have a mobile phone attached to a keyboard or something? Maybe he uses a lot of abbreviations!
Mia  |
yay
Written by Daphnerules (28 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
hey guys i have added more it sounds really good now
about a car crash do you like it ??? 
Daphne xxx |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
Yes, much more fun, with a really wild brio.
Every poem should end with a car crash, perfect |
thanks dude!
Written by Daphnerules (28 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
hey thanks so much glad you like it great idea too !!
YOUR ROCK!!
xxx  |
Laughed at the new version
Written by mia_ms_kim (1017 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
I shouldn't have, but I did. Buried with your mobile - God save us!
Mia |
lol
Written by Daphnerules (28 comments posted) 17th May 2008 |
lol thanks if you have anymore ideas like rising from a grave or something like a topic tell me and i will add it on. Maybe as a afterlife. Please anyone who reads this and anyone who wants a topic to be put into it like a car crash then please tell me
Cheers
Thanks Daphne xxx |
Written by Robru (219 comments posted) 19th May 2008 |
| I love your poem. The fact that its about a mobile is irrelevant. Its an enjoyable poem. Well done. P.S. I don't have one. The signal strength in our area is variable, to say the least. |
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