This poem mainly focuses upon the beauty of nature. This is my first poem in this site so please give a good comment. Enjoy! 
The Beauty of Nature
By: Ariadne President
Ahh, the breathtaking beauty of nature,
From its deep blue skies and clouds,
The clouds, for example, that look just like sweet cotton-candy,
But they are rich in chiffon white
To the daylight of morning,
That is in a trio of red, yellow, and orange,
And it is like the opposite of Vincent Van Gogh's The Starry Night,
Oh, it seems like an artist took a canvass,
And painted the sky into a beautiful picture
To the immense brightness of the sun,
Which brings us much warmth and comfort,
For those in the great outdoors,
And the sun sits on the horizon near the serenity of the waters
To the luscious flowers of the outside,
Especially the oh-so graceful rose,
Which sports its tempting crimson upon its petals
To the dew-infested blades of grass,
Which tickle at your feet
Ahh, the breathtaking beauty of nature,
Take a seat, my friend,
And observe,
The beauty of nature
|
overdone
Written by fellpony (2924 comments posted) 14th May 2008 | You have a wide vocabulary but need to discipline it a bit more! There are some nice phrases, "rich in chiffon white" for instance, but there are more that jar, such as "dew-infested" where dew, which you are showing us as beautiful, is associated with a verb that suggests disease and squalor. I don't care how many words you know, I want to read the right ones for this particular poem. The words "for example" in stanza 2 add absolutely nothing.
Why do four stanzas begin with "to"? Are you writing "to" these things, or to the person you address in the last stanza?
Having got your descriptives out of the way, the whole poem boils down to the last three lines. You could have written a senryu or haiku and said as much.
It's good that you observe these things and enjoy them, but you need to focus more on what you are seeing. I suspect that you may be imagining rather than observing in some cases, it's a bit early for roses up in our neck of the woods. Tell us the specifics rather than the abstracts - we can discover those for ourselves. Go and read some of the other poets on this site and examine how they approach those specifics.
|
Written by Veronica_Milvus (1147 comments posted) 19th May 2008 | | "canvass" with a double s is a verb meaning to solicit opinion. Canvas, the noun, meaning a substrate for painting, which I think you mean here, only has a single s. I say this so you may become an even better writer. | Well,
Written by Merioneth (137 comments posted) 17th April 2010 | "Oh, it seems like an artist took a canvass,
And painted the sky into a beautiful picture"
perhaps the artist did take a "canvass". I'm going to give the author the benefit of the doubt and assume she meant the artist solicited the opinions of others and from that, "painted the sky into a beautiful picture". |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
