A sort of holiday romance poem.
APART
The cold green hillside, where we stood and kissed
looking over mountains to the steel-bright sea
is held by my heart, like a clenching fist;
the long-gone togetherness of you and me.
We shall end this love as we once began
with our lives stretched separate across the plain,
and the small stone house where we loved and sang
shall never find us venturing back again.
So we met, so we talked, so we laughed and drank
and we read, and wrote, each other poetry,
and an hour under rowans by the chill stream bank
will be longer than a lifetime’s years to me.
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V - Briliant! Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 15th May 2008 |
Helo Veronica - it's not often that I get a Frog in my throat, but this was one of those occasions! Phwoooooarrrrh! Okay - praise is not enough - I shall try to say why . . . Every one of your lines just sings with power . . . Can't say much more beyond the midnight hour . . . ' . . .my heart, like a clenching fist . . . ' Oh, Yes!¬ Tell you what - I have a weird suggestion, which I humbly think would make your poem even stronger (ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE!) Stanza 3, line 2 . . . ' . . . each other poetry . . .' How about ' . . . each other's poetry . . . ' Just an idea - can you feel the difference? Whoo! I'm shivering . . . Please get back to me on this! Cheers! John X
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Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 15th May 2008 |
Ah, interesting thought, Tolstoy. I was envisaging Keats and Larkin being part of the reading material, otherwise I might have done what you suggest. I will ponder it. Glad you liked the poem. V Actually I will take a vote if other people would care to consider John's idea... |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1019 comments posted) 15th May 2008 |
Actually I liked John's idea. It seems to create the deep soul connection between the lovers, eg. they can finish each other sentences. If lovers can write each other's poetry - now that's CONNECTION! Anyway I really felt sad about this poem. The heart as the clenching fist - that's powerful. And the brief romance being longer than lifetime's years - that's another powerful picture. Mia |
Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
| I loved this - you can take it out of the 21st century and imagine the same things being said by a couple in any age of mankind. Time travelling stuff. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
I was impressed by this the structure and content were in perfect sync. I read it first time without realising it it did rhyme,very subtle piece of work
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Chuffed! Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
Veronica - I am honoured that you thing my little idea is worth pondering. Mia hits the nail on the head! A shame that fellpony and BBS haven't offered an opinion. Votes, please! Cheers! John T |
Oh if I must ... Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
| I vote for leaving "other" as it is and removing the comma after "read". |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be giving an opinion on. The word 'wrote' suggested original work to me. If it was slightly ambiguous, so much the better .If poetry is too definite there is no room for the reader. |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
Really liked the rhythm of this, as well as the imagery. The repetition of the word 'we' seemed to add power to the piece. I prefer 'other' as it is, or you could change the whole line to something like: 'and we wrote, and we shared our poetry' Cheers, Ben
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Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
There's a sad resingation to this piece,V, but it's very tender, and as mia has said it has a wonderful closing line. As for 2nd line, 3rd stanza I have to agree with Sue. Tolstoy, Mia - I apologise if this sounds cynical - if two people could write each other's poetry there would be no excitement for either reader and ultimately no bloody point in writing it! Surely if two poets have any 'connection' it lies more in 'how' something is said than 'what' is being said. Still, there it is. This is after all V's poem, and only she can be the judge of what she is saying. Cheers |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
OK, interesting. I see what John and Mia are saying about the connection between the two, but if the holiday romance was brief, then perhaps they have not had time to connect in that way, and write the poetry in order to express to each other what they are feeling. My original thought was that they had a load of poetry books with them and were reading their favourite lines to each other in order to make that connection, as well as writing their own words about how they feel. So I think, after careful reflection, I am persuaded by Brett's argument and will leave the lines as they stand. But thank you for giving me an alternative reading. I might actually put in an extra comma "and read, and wrote, each other poetry" Of course, the two of them could collaborate on a poem, folding each line over to hide it like a game of "consequences". That might lead to some other poem ideas, perhaps? Thanks everyone for your thoughtful reviews. V |
Written by Fledermaus (3301 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
| A nice poem. Good content, good rhyme. Not much to add to what's already been said. |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 17th May 2008 |
Lots already been said - my response isn't much different - a tender and reflective remembrance of lost love. Liked very much. Phil |
Interesting Debate! Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 17th May 2008 |
I'm glad there's been quite a bit of banter about my poor suggestion . . . To be frank, although I'm still actually Tolstoy, I'm mightily relieved that the consensus has been to leave things as they are. Otherwise, what a rude crude and thoroughly ghastly imposition! I would have felt truly awful, Veronica, if you'd changed it. You are, after all, and I don't mean this sycophantically, a far better poet than me! Cheers! T |
Written by Robru (219 comments posted) 8th June 2008 |
A delightful poem. The onle change I would suggest is to remove the comma after 'wrote' in line 2 fo the last stanza. But then its a wonderful poem as it is. Cheers Bob |
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