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For Children
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Out At Grandma's House
By beatricelouise
16 May 2008
A grand old time, came to pass last night
Out at Grandma's house
The scene must have been, quite a funny sight
When out of nowhere danced a mouse

Lifting her gown, Grandma leaped on a chair
Straw-broom in her hand
Nearly toppling over, she watched in despair 
Marched a family, same brand

Brave as can be, in a single file
Cheese they would swindle
Heading to her kitchen, Grandma somewhat riled
Her food supply soon would dwindle

Grandma shouted, "Get out of my house!
You are not welcome.
I haven't enough Swiss, even for one mouse
I hear the soup-kitchen's has some."

The cat came back, decided to be wed
Before he got too old
Back to work in time, Grandma gladly said,
"One fat mouse is jammed in the hole." 

The mouse cried aloud, the squeal alert the rest
The cat clawed and wailed
A tug-of-war broke out, the fight reached its crest
When the fat mouse escaped with her tail


Reviews

Written by mia_ms_kim (891 comments posted) 15th May 2008
I found this poem really really fun! I love the Grandma! Love the soup-kitchen reference. I think children would love this sort of poem - flurry of activity combined with wild family, pets etc. 
 
A couple of lines, I thought, sounded puzzling:  
"Marched a family, same brand" 
"The cat came back, decided to be wed" 
 
I thought maybe it was forced rhyming??? (Not that I'm a poet) But loved it, Beatrice. 
 
Mia :grin

Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 16th May 2008
You have good ideas here Beatricelouise, (but a bit old fashioned), but I think you need to get perfect metre for children's poems. This is what they tell me they like - well the younger children. I would guage that the content of your poem is for 4 - 6 year olds? Is this the age group you had in mind? Your Stephen Fry book should certainly help you a great deal with writing for children. They usually like four iambic feet followed by three, followed by four etc. With rhyming on second and fourth line. Hope this will help you. Look at verse 3. Compare line one with line 3. No, I think you could do to work on this a bit. Sorry.
Tthank you Mia and Josie!
Written by beatricelouise (202 comments posted) 16th May 2008
I really feel honoured to have both views. I definitely am an amateur, but it is so much fun writing for children. I hope to improve in time. Thanks for your comments and suggestions. Also, the encouragement. :)
HI Beatrice
Written by jean.day (2196 comments posted) 28th May 2008
I agree with Josie in that I don't find it easy to read. I think the basic ideas for the poem are very good. I sort of wanted a tune to go with it as it seemed the sort of thing that maybe should be sung.

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