written with a nudge from Friedrich Nietzsche in the fourth line!
Declaring war on God and on the Devil
has not come lightly, not without its costs;
long nights resulting in my own religion
of virtues far beyond the good and evil.
Such sweet a wife has thought to break her vows
and to this end I have unsheathed my sword
to conquer all who try to stand between
her sinning and my sleeping in her breast.
I don the armour forged by my own hands
for I sense a reckoning to come:
should she hesitate beside my bed
whilst God himself attempts to save her soul
I'll ascend to His own Paradise
and raze it leaving angels in my wake,
and in the fury of our careless lust
the Devil tempt me tarnish her at all
I'll run the bastard and his Hellhounds down
and leave him whimpering amid the thorn and gorse.
My deeds in these campaigns she cannot see,
nor would I wish her witness to them all;
to gaze on me as mercenary Templar,
and look upon herself the spoils of war.
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Written by Livinginanattic (454 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
Liked this, but I think it would read better if it was split into stanzas. There are clear logical breaks after lines 4, 8 and 18. I wonder who your protagonist is. He thinks he can defeat both God and the Devil - is he a supernatural figure? Ben
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Written by Veronica_Milvus (455 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
well, well, well, Brett mawr. The Holy Hand Grenades are combined into a veritable fusillade here. Taking on supernatural powers of both light and darkness. It feels like it should be read between clenched teeth. Having just trudged thorugh Mallory's "Morte D'Arthur" I would say that your knight Templar would bash them all into bloody pieces. Including the feckless Lancelot, a most parfait and gentil knight" "and raze it leaving angels in my wake" Triffic. |
Written by Fledermaus (3159 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
I'm not sure if I caught the symbolism. Is it about making love before marriage with a religious girl? At least it could be interpreted that way... As for Nietsche... I read the following written on a wall once: "God:"Nietsche is dead"" I thought that was a nice way to turn Nietsche's words around. I must admit I haven't read Nietsche's original work, but from what I read about the man, he seemed a bit disturbed and thoroughly misinterpreting both ancient paganism and Christianity. Interesting, but a bit difficult to get the meaning. |
Written by mia_ms_kim (891 comments posted) 16th May 2008 |
I thought this was going to be a vendetta against religion, but it's about one man's quest for a woman. That was very refreshing. It sounds all medieval, and all the more interesting, adds romance and mysticism. It also raises many questions. Why not just marry her? How is she forbidden to him? Is she an actual "maid"? ie. difference of class? Is he married? Is she betrothed to another? Is she a nun? Does she belongs to a king's harem? I didn't understand the "tarnish" bit, but whatever it was, it seems to say the man truly cherishes the girl. The "spoils of war" - one fought somewhere in the nether regions of the cosmos! - was a very powerful image. Nothing spells romance more than when a man risks his life, starts a war, draws his sword - for a woman. What women are responsible for! Mia |
Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 17th May 2008 |
| I'm with mia here Brett. Would you kindly explain this. Why can't he just marry the object of his desire? Perhaps he is in a foreign country and marriage is not an option? |
Written by Phil (6383 comments posted) 17th May 2008 |
Enjoyed this, Brett. There are turns in perspective that can be taken that give this a slightly different hue for each reading. I like it for that: while it keeps the reader on his toes, it doesn't deliberately obscure. Ben may have a point about breaking this up. It did strike me though, that splitting this up would be more like paragraphing than 'versing.' There's possibly not much difference - but in poetry, I think there may be. There's a subtle contradiction in the 15th and 16th that just about sums up the confusion of blind and devoted love. The more I think about this and frame thoughts in words - the more I like it. Phil |
Written by Brett (474 comments posted) 17th May 2008 |
Thanks to all who have commented. Ben - I did not break this into stanzas as I wished it to be read as one ranting thought. The protagonist is an atheist so therefor, in his own belief, he has already defeated God and the Devil - the allusions to them here are purely metaphorical. V - Thank you. Lancelot - big girl's blouse! Maus - Would love to discuss Nietzsche (not the time or place) suffice to say that he certainly did slip into insanity towards the end, and any misinterpretations on his own behalf are as nothing compared to how the Nazis misinterpretad him. Mia and Josie - any ambiguity has now been removed by the changing of one word in line 5. Phil - Thanks, and thanks for noticing that 'subtle contradiction.' Cheers, mate.
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