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By katejayne
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16 May 2008 |
dramatise your daily lives,
to make each second a memory
A beautiful memory.
He clutched her pale hand and held it tight.
Against her lips, he pressed his own,
the last they would unite.
A gentle tear slipped
down
his freckled face
And she too began to cry.
Synchronised they wept.
Over the secret that now
they no longer kept. |
Written by Josie (2496 comments posted) 16th May 2008 | | I know this is the modern way of writing poetry, but I just can't get used to a poem written with some long lines and some with one word. Tell me honestly (because I really don't know) what makes you decide which line should be which length? Why, for example has "down" a whole line to itself? You can see from my writing that I like structure and metre in my work, but I am curious about why people choose to write as you have done. I'm not being rude. For me, the metre decides the length of the line, and the line endings are also guided by the rhyme. Please enlighten me as to free verse. To the content of your poem. Why was it the last time? (Sorry - you will think I am just a question asker tonight, ha ha). I'm not usually like this. ha ha. |
Written by mia_ms_kim (891 comments posted) 16th May 2008 | Conjures up all kinds of images. Illicit lovers breaking up after being discovered??? Or two lovers who are also accomplices in crime, and one is being sent away to jail???
I found it poignant. The stanza and line length variations, I felt, helped to add to the turbluent emotional experience, the ebb and flow, the stretch and pain etc. I felt the last stanza was too uniform, compared to the variations before it. But enjoyed.
Mia  |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (455 comments posted) 17th May 2008 | "down" being on its own gave me the feeling of the time it takes for the tear to run down his face.
So I thought it worked.
and the last stanza being more uniform gave it a matter of fact narrative quality that was poignant having read the preceding lines. |
Written by Phil (6387 comments posted) 17th May 2008 | Not quite free verse - there's a loose pattern and rhythm to this.
I wasn't expecting to like this after having read your exhortation in the intro - but I did. Effective piece.
Phil | Poem
Written by katejayne (17 comments posted) 17th May 2008 | Josie, I wrote down as a one word "sentence" to signify the importance of the word, and lead you down to the next line almost.
I won't reveal what the story is behind it.
Mystery is magic. | It works!
Written by Katanga (721 comments posted) 17th May 2008 | For me too - it works.
Josie - sorry, but to explain why is beyond my powers or even if I could begin, it would take many hours. Not everything has to be classically metrical and rhyming IMHO . . .
The single word 'down' is great, as explained above.
The 'secret' begs the question, as it were. But this poem has a kind of universality about it - we've all been there.
So to ask simplistically "What was their secret?" would, I feel, be missing the point and crassly intrusive, although one gets an idea - two lovers who know it's over but haven't dared tell each other until now, and then the honesty ironically draws them closer?
Love it!
John |
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