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By katejayne
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18 May 2008 |
Short little something that I can only class as "free verse" poetry.
No other caterogy seems apt. Neither does this either really... I tried my hardest to believe
that clutching
to your wooden heart
would not splinter
my wanting hands
but I found
with every tightened grip
that shards dug into my frail bones
And cascaded through
my weak veins
to lodge in my heart
sending
immence
dull
pains
around my skeletal self.
The person you once made
and left an empty shell.|
Written by mia_ms_kim (915 comments posted) 17th May 2008 | Another interesting poem. I thought this expressed the prolonged pain of the relationship well. I thought at first this was mother grieving her relationship with her adult child. Then the last stanza made me think it must be about daughter grieving her relationship or lack of it with her father. Hmmm...
The wooden heart seemed to suggest not a cold person, just emotionally detached type of person. The splinters seem to suggest perhaps the person didn't mean to inflict pain, but his unfeeling, unresponsive personality resulted in inflicting unintended pain on the subject.
It was interesting that the wood splinters turned into shards (broken glass etc) in her veins - a powerful image of the kind of pain experienced by the emotional absence or unavailability of the person???
Well, above is my interpretation. I thought it was very effective.
What didn't work for me were:
2nd stanza - I got lost in the grammar, 'which', 'that' etc.
some of the words - 'my hardest' seem to dominate and overwhelm the overall feel of the line.
'tightened' in small font was distracting for me, I felt 'grip' was enough to convey the idea.
'cascaded' - for me seemed contradictory, too gentle an image for the shards and pain etc?
immence -> immense?
Anyway, very thought-provoking.
Mia  |
Written by Josie (2536 comments posted) 17th May 2008 | | I can't get my head round free verse for I can't understand how you have decided that "around my skeletal self should stand out all by itself on a separate line with small letters to start it, and spaces on either side, or words like "dull" etc. I have asked this question before of people, but can't get an answer. When I am writing within a structure, I know by the metre where to end my lines. It must be very difficult to write free verse - or not? To the subject matter. You call the poem "love" but yet you are not referring to love at all in your poem, but a broken relationship. Perhaps a title which refers to the broken heart would be more appropriate. eg My Splintered Heart. | Writing
Written by katejayne (17 comments posted) 19th May 2008 | Free verse is to me about writing what you feel in no order, and with no boundaries to reflect the limitless nature of your feelings.
Which words you choose to isolate is dependant on you.
It's what you want to highlight and make significant.
Every writer has a different style, and I respect that you write in a certain format, however I don't like to feel restricted in what i can say. |
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