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The Poet Cries at the Dawn |
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By Katanga
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18 May 2008 |
Ha! The title is supposed to be mock-Yeats. But I'd be a fool to mock him!
I try to rescue banality in the last lines - does it work? Dunno!
Cheers!
John
The Poet Cries at the Dawn
Joanna sleeps
The poet weeps
He’s at his most effusive
He’s in despair
There’s no repair
The washing up’s elusive
He turns his face toward the Sun
And sheds a mournful tear
The washing up’ll never be done
And that’s, well, conclusive
But he doesn’t mind
He doesn’t care
For inside gently sleeping
Is one whose hair
Could moor the Moon
And put an end
To the World’s weeping
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Written by mia_ms_kim (891 comments posted) 17th May 2008 | Starts funny and comedic, and ends so sweet and comforting. Hair to moor the moon and put an end to the World's weeping - lovely. Gentle and so warm.
Mia  |
Written by Josie (2500 comments posted) 17th May 2008 | | I'm with mia on this, but you have lost your good metre somewhere along the line here John. Not like you. I'll look for it. For example: And put an end to weeping - would pick up on it better, but there are a few other places that need a little bit of adjustment. However, watching the sun come up, as some of us do, means that our brains are not yet fully oiled. ha ha. (I'm referring to mine). A cup of tea does the trick. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (459 comments posted) 18th May 2008 | | Last four lines are great! Good job, John! |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (459 comments posted) 18th May 2008 | | Last four lines are great! Good job, John! | Intentional
Written by Katanga (731 comments posted) 18th May 2008 | Thank you Mia Josie and Veronica.
Josie - I agree that 'And put an end to weeping' would be consistent with the preceding metrical pattern, but I think it would lose something.
I have intentionally 'broken ranks' with the meter to slow the reader right down on the last line.
Maybe it doesn't work, but that's the tentative idea!
Cheers!
John |
Written by Brett (486 comments posted) 18th May 2008 | Enjoyed this, Tolstoy.
That last line does slow the reader down and I think you're right to keep it as it is - it's a lovely image.
Cheers |
Written by Robru (125 comments posted) 18th May 2008 |
A wonderful poem and yes the last does slow the reader down so that the impact of the whole poem is greater. Well done. | Im with Veronica...
Written by shirley_keeldar (67 comments posted) 18th May 2008 | Love the last four lines, they put some romance into the mundane!
L x |
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