Great Writing - Home > Short S. > My Boyfriend's A Vampire
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1335 guests online and 9 members online
Shorts
My Boyfriend's A Vampire
By AriadnePresident
20 May 2008

A humorous    narrative that demonstrates your boyfriend being a bloodsucking creature of the night, though he is incredibly handsome and has icy blue eyes. Horrific Romance. Flash Fiction that too some may seem like Stephenie Meyer's The Twilight Series. Enjoy!


 Valentine's Day Annual Prom 7:30 PM:

You had been eyeing and lusting upon a tall boy, of about 6 foot 4, with messy chocolate brown hair, chiffon white colored skin tone, icy blue eyes and wearing a black outfit. This was because unbeknownst to you he is alluring you by controlling your emotions and thoughts.  Yet, oddly, the other people who are attending the Valentine's Day Annual Prom are wearing colors like dark red, hot pink, and pale pink. To you, he seems like the ideal and perfect-enough-to-be-loved example of a seventeen year old boy to a girl, but unbeknownst to you, he is actually over hundreds of years old. "He does look rather handsome, but a little too pale. And why does he wear black instead of either red or pink...? That is so unusual ..."

You find the fact that this boy's skin is as abnormally white a snow and the fact that he wears a color that is deep, dark, and brooding, to most.

You ignore the thought, still concentrating on getting the mysterious-looking boy's attention. You move closer to him slowly, hesitant on trying to confess your sweet nothings to him. When you get close enough to him, he notices you.

An intense moment ensues as you and the boy look each other straight in the eyes. As you get a closer glance at his icy blue eyes, you feel your heart pounding quickly at your chest and you break out in a cold sweat. In those brief tense moments, though the boy still looks at you, and you become nearly speechless, though you are very nervous at this point, you are passionate for him, running your fingers through his unkempt chocolate brown strands of  hair.

You ask for his name and he responds "Vladimir." with a light Transylvania accented chuckle. At first, you think of him as a Dracula imitator, but you sort of like the way he talks.

You ask of his interests and he responds "The scary and the macabre..." You give a laugh to Vladimir, saying "Oh, so that's why you wear black..." You finally pluck up the courage to confess your true intentions of him and say "Be mine, valentine. Would you accept this dance?"

He nods his head yes. At the end of the dance, while a slow and calming love song plays in the background, you clutch your hands into Vladimir's chest. He whispers in your ear, "Happy Valentine's Day..." before softly pressing his lips upon yours, gives you a luminescent crimson rose, and through the dusk of the night, he walks you into his abode.

Once you enter into his lair, you find that it is spooky, with spiders quickly crawling upon the thick gossamer cobwebs that appear everywhere in his house. Despite that today was Valentine's Day, the place was truly murky and ominous, not at all cheery or filled with anything that resembled a sign of love, such as a heart-shaped box that contained a variety of rich and decadent chocolates inside.

Vladimir gets a glass bottle with an unusual red liquid in it and pours it into a flask. When he drinks the flask, he lets out a long, refreshed "Ahhhhhhh...". Oddly, you see in his mouth a pair of two sharp fangs that are stained with the unknown liquid.

You give out a horrified gasp and say "My, my Vladimir! I didn't know that men could have sharp teeth as yours!" He gives you a sickening grin, followed by a laugh that fills the night. "All the better to sink them into your neck, my dear..." As you stand there paralyzed in shock, you can feel the dagger-like fangs pierce into your neck, and a painful flow of blood drips out of it."My boyfriend's a vampire!" you say with a weakened voice.As he drinks every single ounce of blood from your body, you can feel your life slip away from you. Your now bloodless body falls to the floor... 

Reviews

Written by TwistedTales (500 comments posted) 19th May 2008
Again a major font problem, I couldn't get past the first few lines...it is very distracting...adhere to the guidelines of the site...paste your work on the site's 'My creative work' first before submitting. Don't paste it directly from MS word.  
 
Regards, 
TT

Written by fellpony (1519 comments posted) 20th May 2008
Voice: I just might have bought this, if the narrator had been 3rd person "she" or 1st person "I". (Your title is first person, after all!) The 3rd person "You" is simply unbelievable, and much too authorially directed. Too much "showing" - How would anyone except the author know this "boy" is a vampire hundreds of years old? From your writing, nobody. 
 
Approach: Work of this nature needs careful handling. Why does the girl feel attracted to him? What are the features or behaviours that she finds alluring? To fall (literally) for this character, she simply appears to be a fool. Incidentally, black is often a colour of choice for young people's evenings out here in England, so the question of "why does he wear black?" wouldn't arise. 
 
Language: Watch out for repeated phrases: "unbeknownst to you" comes in twice in one paragraph. It is not only a clumsy, consciously archaic phrase but not needed in either place. Generally, it's over-written: eg, "give out a horrified gasp and say" could condense to "gasped". "Tall" covers "six foot 4" ... doesn't it? Pruning the language would reduce the wordage by ~ a third. This gives you room to expand on the courtship / lure / chase / stalk / whatever you feel the vampire's actions are. 
 
Story line: not new, so it needs a new approach that conceals the end, which at present is very obvious. How will you do that?

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3172 comments posted) 20th May 2008
This isn't my chosen style of genre but I thought I'd try it. 
Like Fellpony my problem was with the POV,though I thought it was written more in the 2nd person, with the heavy use of the word 'you'. It couldn't,easily, be in the 1st as she dies. I think if it had been written in a more conventional 3rd person narrative,with an omniscient viewpoint the end would have worked better and we could have had more much needed context. 
I,too, thought some of the words a bit archaic -unbeknownst and abode and lair. I think it would have been a great to have written it up in modern teenage patois which would have been a shocking contrast to the gothic events, pulling this ancient threat into the modern day. 
It would have made that rather predictable and inevitable ending more shocking. 
just an outsiders reaction 
jane

Written by Emmuttmax (117 comments posted) 20th May 2008
Although I'm reluctant to offer a critique since the last one I did on your work provoked a petulant response, I will nevertheless. 
 
Fellpony and BBS are right about the POV; it is clumsy. Cliches and punctuation errors riddle the story. Flowery language is fine...sometimes, but not when it dominates the story and creates hyperbole.

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

 Previous item   Next item