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| Pathetic Bob's Sex Advice | |
| By Emmuttmax | ||||||||||
| 20 May 2008 | ||||||||||
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Eric, you asked for it.
Sex
Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. --Mark Twain Of course, this is the chapter all you perverts have been waiting for, but you may be disappointed; there are no illustrations. There are some who may question my qualifications to write about human sexuality, pointing out that I am a dog. To those questioners I say, “Kiss my tail.” I have observed human sexing on numerous occasions, so I feel that even if I don’t know what the hell is really going on, I am as qualified as anyone to discuss it. Since this is a self-help book, I suppose the best way to help yourself sexually is to masturbate. It doesn’t require a lot of time, you don’t have worry about disease, you save the cost of dinner and a movie, and there is no cuddling involved. If masturbation is against your moral code, take a lesson from dogs: hump a pillow, couch, stuffed toy, or shoe. Once you’ve mastered the art of spunking on a towel or riding the good-vibrations machine, your curiosity will impel you to move on to a live partner. Finding the right partner with which to make the beast with two backs usually requires different sets of priorities for the male and female of the species. For the male, the only requirement is that he finds a female who is breathing and willing to allow him access to her peach-fish. Sometimes this will require an American Express Gold Card or actually talking to the female. Females, on the other hand, have no shortage of willing partners; they have vaginal pheromones on their sides. They also come equipped with two round containers of fatty tissue on their chests that serve no purpose other than to attract males. Personally, I find three or four-inch nipples more attractive and less restrictive to puppies, but I’m only a dog. Now that you’ve hooked up with a person and are determined to get naked in front of him or her, step back and count to 10 and think about the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror. Consider carefully if that nipple beard is going to pour cold water on his passion; are you sure you want to expose that gorilla back to her? If you’ve weighed the options and are determined to proceed, let’s get it on. The next step is “foreplay,” which is a misnomer; it should be called “forework.” For a satisfying session of lovemaking, you have got to be willing to put in a little effort…if you are a human, that is. I suggest a pre-sex, stretching warm-up prior to forework so you don’t sprain anything because you will probably be contorting yourself into positions normally reserved for Chinese acrobats and midget wrestlers. Since most forework involves the lips and fingers, you might want you take up the trumpet and piano to help strengthen the muscles you will be exercising. Forework should cease immediately when any kind off liquid begins to seep from either one of you, and you should move on to the next stage: penetration and reception. The length of time this stage of sex lasts is entirely dependent on how long the male can concentrate on car engines, football scores, the Dewey decimal system, or a visualization of Luciano Pavarotti naked. If his concentration is focused enough, eventually the female will dig her fingernails into his arms or backt, drawing blood, and she will scream, whimper, or cuss like a sailor. The man will then unleash his “force of nature,” and both partners will collapse into a pool of sweat. That, dear readers, is pretty much it. Chapter 7 Summary: Masturbate, find a partner, get naked, work it, and collapse.
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