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By meadowcroft1964
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21 May 2008 |
Hi for my writing class
I was asked to write a short story with the theme being darkness it also needed to have a slight twist to it this is what I came up with. I hope to be able to write my life story someday so please give honest feedback to whether or not in your opinion I have any chance in being able to reach my goal.
"Why"? I ask myself, "why am I here, why me"? My voice cuts through the blanket of silence. I receive no answer, my mind appears to have become cloaked in the darkness of my surroundings. I am suddenly aware that my concept of time as been lost when I'm unable to answer my next question, "how long have I been here for"? All I can do is wait for my captor's return. My anxiety grow with every passing minute feeling like a hour. "Why can't they just get on and do what their going to"? I silently scream. It perfectly clear what their doing, Spicing up the game adding to my degradation by keeping me waiting with no knowledge of when or even if there are going to return. I study the situation there's no way I'd be able to escape from these chains that hold me suspended between floor and ceiling, pulling my wrists and ankles in opposite directions. Cold shivers run through my body with the sudden thought perhaps they wouldn't return, what could I do then? Nobody knows where I am. I am saved from these thoughts by the sound of a door opening. I take a breath of relief thank god they have returned.
A strange smell invades my darkness, it's a mixture of cheap perfume, leather and body odour. My imagination instantly paints me a picture, In my minds eye I visualize my captor has some medieval female torturer clad top to toe in black leather. Uncontrollable my body responses to this image. The room turns from freezing cold to stifling hot, sexual energy fills the air, blood rushes though my exposed genitals has I try in vain to control my threatening erection. All semblance of control is lost with the swish of air that glances passed my naked buttocks followed closely by the unmistakable crack of a whip. My manhood takes on a will of it's own standing to attention. My tormentor knowing exactly the effect they're having increase my torment expertly using the whip to bring me to bursting point, first the whip would caress then blissfully sting with each quick licks and flicks. I finely can hold back no more when my tormentor barks " This is what naughty boys deserve". My embarrassment is complete as my seed is released. " See you next week Harex" Madame says has she leads me to my car. Harex not my real name I can see the headlines if I used my true identity, David Blunkett in kinky sex scandal.
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Just my thoughts Written by awakenedmind (48 comments posted) 21st May 2008 | The story starts and I was thinking of hostage situations and that drew me down further to read, when it came over to a sexual content it left me flat - sorry - good initial storyline and well written, but the ending not for me. awakenedmind aka Michael | Written by Emmuttmax (174 comments posted) 21st May 2008 | You show promise. Some of the descriptive language is well-written. The story itself is uninteresting to me, and the misspellings and punctuation errors should have been caught. | Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 21st May 2008 | Well, firstly I must say I do hope your life story is nothing like this.It'll end up on the top shelf of the shop. There was a lot to like here. There were some vivid descriptions and you kept the pace up by building on the drama. I think you overdid it with the sexual description.It's notoriously difficult to make that work without going overly melodramatic or even worse into unintentional humour. I know you were going for a twist at the end but I don't think that one worked. I think it was because of the tone that you had established didn't really allow for a funny twist at the end. The concept itself was quite clever and worth trying but all I can say is the end didn't "feel" right. You have shown you can handle description and setting very well. You quickly established the situation and there was a narrative flow to keep me reading. I think if you hadn't been given that brief you would have written a very different story cheers jane | It was worth a try Written by meadowcroft1964 (102 comments posted) 21st May 2008 | | Sorry if the theme didn't go down well. I was aiming for it to more humorous than pornographic. This was new territory for me. |
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