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By Katanga
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21 May 2008 |
This is a humble one . . .
Cheers!
Katanga X
Joanna
Do you remember
When we had such little time behind us
And so much to come?
We were dancing then, perhaps as now,
And in such innocent dances
I imagined you a Gypsy Queen
You, me – a Musketeer
In my heart I have swum
Through evolutionary seas
To be with you
In my soul I have battled
Through revolutionary years
To be with you
Through our tears
What have we become?
Something more real
Than our beginnings?
Or something closer
To the Truth
As one?
The dark sea, it comes closer
It reaches up to our necks
It makes me write you a poem
But to what effect?
Do you ever think now
Of what we have become?
So much behind us
So little to come?
Now I love you blindly
For I can no longer see
What it is
Or what it was
That you ever saw in me
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Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 22nd May 2008 | | Oh Goodness! WHAT a love poem! A real romantic here, and there's not many of you left John. Do you give Joanna this with a bunch of roses? Well done! I wish my husband was more romantic, but after being married to the same one for 40 years, he's more interested in his computer. ha ha (not really - family history). | My Computer!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 22nd May 2008 |
I wish I could love her in more practical ways - I'm in trouble about the washing up . . . The ways of Love, eh?!
Cheers!
John (and many thanks for your review!) |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 22nd May 2008 | What a really sweet poem, so beautifully understated. You said it so much more clearly than any clammering exhortations of love could possibly manage.
You might possibly have overdone it a bit with that last line.
Once you've made the sale just stop. 
jane | BBS - Thanks!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 22nd May 2008 | I'm choked - mean it!
Without reviews like yours I don't think I'd bother . . .
You give me courage!
Yeah, you're right, the last line is a bit over the top!
But I comfort myself by thinking to myself, "Hey, John! You're a bit OTT - but it's better than being UTB!"
(Under the Bottom) Ha! Got you there? Ho!
I have a day off tomorrow - I shall review your works.
Beware!
Ha!
John X
| last lines gone
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 24th May 2008 | I would say delete the entire last stanza. It does get a bit like a greeting card there.
The rest is good work. It nearly gets overly sentimental in a couple of areas, but manages to just stay on the fringe of that -- meaning it stays relevent to readers.
It is all too easy for writers to slip into decriptives and emotions that are all about them, their feelings. This has something to share and is interesting that way.
good work
Bw | second look
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 24th May 2008 | I re-read it and think the 8th stanza "The dark sea, it comes closer..." is more overstated, too much like a B movie scene. I suggest you axe that stanza too, or at least rewrite it so that it fits the other scenery.
cheers
BW | Gosh bwoz!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 24th May 2008 |
Gosh, bwoz!
Thank you! You've really got me thinking, which is what reviewing is all about . . .
My first thought was to delete the last stanza - and that would still leave a reasonable poem.
But the other one as well? Yes, I see what you mean entirely, but what would be left?!
However, I get your message - Less is More!
I really thank you for this - just for now, I'll leave it as it stands, but for future postings - you've really helped me!
I shall have a good trawl through your own work.
Cheers!
John X |
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