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Shorts
Crystal
By Jimmy15
29 November 2005

I would be really grateful for any feedback received on this story, and will duly return the favour. Hope you like it.


The tedious fifteen minute walk from the bus stop to my home was not helped by the incessant rainfall. The northerly wind meant that I had to walk the entire journey with my eyes to the pavement. Needless to say, in this dreadful October downpour, there were no other people walking along Henn Avenue.

I was really beginning to regret my decision as a student to be more environmentally friendly and to use public transport. Mother Nature certainly wasn't feeling too friendly on this occasion. The wind seemed to pick up, meaning that its roaring was just about all I could hear. With senses impaired, I had failed to notice her approach me from behind.

"Just act normal." The voice said, with a mild Scottish accent. At the same time, I felt an arm link with my own. Looking to my left, I saw the young lady who had seemingly appeared from nowhere. Her long black hair had been soaked to her face. She was breathing heavily and had a look of panic.

"We are being followed," She said through gritted teeth. "Pretend you know me." She pulled me closer and seemed to be feigning some kind of hug to my arm. I was about to look over my shoulder when she issued me with a sharp nudge. "Don't look, just keep walking."

I tried to listen for the sound of footsteps and gauge some kind of distanced between us and the assailant. The only steps I could hear over the wind and rain were those of the Scottish lady. Her high heeled shoes sent echoes along the street. I hoped that this sound might draw some attention from the people in the houses we passed.

"Do you live around here?" She asked, again through her teeth. I'm not sure whether this came from her anxiety or the cold weather.

"Still about ten minutes away." I replied. She sighed, and it sounded angry.

"Speed up then, we need to get away from here." I felt her pull me forward and our walking gained in pace. I felt like I needed to do something.

"What's your name?" I asked, wanting to keep some dialogue going.

"What?" The lady boomed, as if my question was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard.

"Your name, I have to pretend I know you remember?"

"Yeah, ok..." She sniffed and wiped her nose on her sleeve. "Call me Crystal."

The name sent a bolt along my spine. In an instant I didn't believe her. She sniffed again and noticed my hesitation.

"Keep moving." She ordered, with another pull. As she walked slightly ahead with a firm grip on my arm, I took the opportunity to glance over my shoulder. As I expected, we were not being followed.

For a short while we walked in silence. The Scottish lady was still breathing quite heavily as we reached the end of Henn Avenue. I stopped at the T junction.

"Which way?" She asked as she turned to face me. Her skin was colourless and her eyes looked worn out. I turned my head to look back along Henn Avenue. "Which way?"

"There's nobody following you." I said calmly. "Look." I pointed down the road and her eyes followed. For a long moment, she looked from me to the street behind us, and back again. The breathing eased and the eyes took on a new urgency. In an instant, I heard the sharp release sound of a flick knife. The blade shone under the surrounding street light. She held it close to her, but there was no mistaking the fact that the blade was pointing in my direction. Slowly, I took my eyes from the knife and looked back at the Scottish lady. She was still looking in my eyes.

"Lets keep moving." She whispered, jerking the knife to one side to indicate the direction. I knew I should comply, but felt glued to the spot. Sheet lightning illuminated the sky around us and startled us both. The lady shot into action and screamed at me to move again. She linked my arm and pulled us in the direction of Dewsbury Road, which was heading away from my home and in the direction of the local woodland area.

"What do you want from me Crystal?" I stuttered. She giggled.

"What've you got?" She barked, still laughing.

"Is it money? Do you need money?" She just continued to cackle. I had to find a way to get away from this woman. My abduction was not planned; it was not a mission for any kind of petty gain. The Scottish lady was a knife bearing psychopath. I could feel my heart pumping like it was trying to escape itself. The laughter stopped in a second and her serious tone reappeared.

"You won't try to get away will you?" She asked. "If you try, guess what I will do" Without allowing time for a guess, she put her mouth as close to my ear as possible and screamed the words "Help" and "Rapist."

My reaction was instantaneous. In time with a loud crash of thunder, I decided to make my move. I pulled the Scottish girl in one direction and swept my foot in the other, sending her careering to the ground. She made no effort to break the fall and landed face first on the kerb edge. At the time when I should have been running, I found myself stood still again. The Scottish girl lay still with her body dangling into the road. The hair that had once covered her face was now spread across the pavement. The knife was still her left hand, the grip looking as tight as ever. I had no idea how long she would be unconscious, so decided to grab the knife before getting away.

I stood up straight with the knife in my hand, pointing to the ground. The October rain bounced from my face and clothes as I looked down to the Scottish lady. Despite everything, I felt I needed to help her. In these weather conditions, I wondered if anyone would hear my call. I reached into my pocket for my mobile phone. Before I could remove it, I felt the thud of human force behind me. I was thrown completely off balance and landed on my hands and knees. I could hear the knife skidding along the pavement ahead of me. I was pushed into the ground and my hands were pulled behind my back. My night was far from over. With one ear deep in a puddle, I could scarcely hear the words I knew were coming.

"You are under arrest sunshine."  

Reviews

Written by Alice (64 comments posted) 29th November 2005
Hi there, Jimmy 15. 
First of all, this is essentially a well-written piece, but I feel that your pay-off scene leaves the reader wondering if, or why the characters were being followed in the first place.  
Although I can see the point you are making, I think you may have to trade off one against the other. Perhaps even think about the type of woman who would stoop to such levels in the first place. 
Also, there are some phrases in which you are telling, not showing, i.e., when Crystal "... had a look of panic." You need to describe what led your narrator to believe she had panic. Was it her eyes, glistening madly, her mouth frothing, etc.  
 
However, all the elements of a good story were present amd the story flowed smoothly from beginning to end. 
 
Hope this helps. 
 
Alice

Written by Krish (51 comments posted) 29th November 2005
I enjoyed reading this and it's an entertaining story. 
 
It's a little hard to follow in places and I think it would benefit from expanding in certain areas. The one I would focus on is when 'crystal' first encounter's the main character. No reason is given for him going along with what she says. 
 
I also noticed a number of redundant words. These detract from the story and make it seem awkward. For example, the second paragraph could be pared down to: 
 
"I was beginning to regret my decision to be more environmentally friendly and use public transport. Mother Nature certainly wasn't feeling too friendly on this occasion. The wind picked up and its roaring was just about all I could hear. Senses impaired, I didn't notice her approach me from behind." 
 
Going through and removing unnecessary words would help make it more streamlined and easier to read. Also the "you are" in the last sentence could be abbreviated to "you're", to make it sound more natural. 
 
Good luck with this piece. It has potential.
intriguing tale
Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 1st December 2005
quirky and very readable 
agree you could trim some words which would help the flow of the piece 
krish's and alice's suggestions spot on 
perhaps a little more dialogue beetween clenched teeth would heighten dramatic effect

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