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By born2bunique
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23 May 2008 |
This is a draft piece.
I would appreciate comments on what you think.
Another one blows
Leaving a sonorous echo in my ears
Suddenly diving towards me like a sinking star
Escaping from the void black sky
A warm liquid sprinkled over my face
As a life descends from in front of me
Young, brave but unfortunate
Breathed but never lived
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Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 23rd May 2008 | Conjured up an image of a very young soldier dying in front of the poet, in a bloody nighttime battle, sound of some missile or bomb going off in the midst of others battle noises, the dying young man's warm blood spattering the poet's face etc.
Now, interpreting the poem as above;
'Shooting' and 'sinking star' in the same sentence somehow jarred the imagery for me, they seem to contradict each other. But I liked the sinking star imagery, it seemed to depict the young solider's death.
A warm liquid 'scatters' didn't work well for me. Warm liquid was good, but isn't 'scatter' a verb with obj? And I think of solid particles rather than liquid for the verb. But that's me.
I liked 'life descends' like the 'sinking star' - painted the image of a falling soldier in slow motion.
Not sure about the last two lines. 'Young...unfortunate' - for me is too much telling, not showing. Last line - 'breathed' is good, it shows me the last breaths he took as he fell, as well as all the breaths he'd taken as a living person. Not sure about the 'never lived' - however short, he must have lived a life that was meaningful to someone.
Anyway that's my interpretation. I liked this piece.
Mia  |
Written by born2bunique (4 comments posted) 25th May 2008 | | Thanks for your comment Mis_Kim, its nice to have someone elses opinion. |
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