Hello.....
I am posting this first, it is a short poem that I was inspired to write, I don't know what you will think about it but I am sure you will let me know? I don't think it is the best I could do but it just came to me, also; I think I prefer to write stories.
Please let me know
My Sister
I reached out, I touched your arm,
I pulled you closer into my embrace.
I touched your emotion, I touched your heart.
When I felt your heart I felt your sadness my sister
I feel your pain, I cried for you.
I feel this and to make you happy I must insist
This will never go away, will never change
My love for you is vast; your power over me will never be uncertain
For this I know you are my world
I take you know in my arms and in my heart
And there I keep you for ever more
You are with me you are my life
And this will never change my sister
I will keep you safe and in my heart
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Written by Krish (51 comments posted) 30th November 2005 |
Nice poem. It's starts off a little stiffly, but after that it's flowing and well written. The last few lines are spot on.
One thing - 'know' on the 10th line down should be 'now' I think.
Good stuff, keep it up.
K. |
Written by Alice (64 comments posted) 30th November 2005 |
Inspiration is never going to be wrong. I can just tell that this has been written straight from the heart. Lots of emotional drama going on, and very powerful too.
Being somebody's sister myself, your sentiments are probably what every brother feels about his sister.
Thanks for sharing this one, it's a gem. I love it.
Alice |
Thank-you
Written by an_aspiring_writer (5 comments posted) 2nd December 2005 |
Thanks for your comments,
Just wanted to let you know I am female Alice, thanks very much for your review
Jenny |
Written by Alice (64 comments posted) 2nd December 2005 |
Sorry about that. But take it as a compliment to your work that I was able to feel so deeply about it. My actual thoughts were along the lines of "if my brother were here right now...." and then I was lost in my own world of thought, which accounts for the Freudian slip.
Alice |
Written by spiderbaby49 (137 comments posted) 3rd January 2006 |
I reached out, I touched your arm,
I pulled you closer into my embrace.
(great start)
I touched your emotion, I touched your heart.
When I felt your heart I felt your sadness my sister
(then you start to lose it with too much repitition)
I feel your pain, I cried for you.
I feel this and to make you happy I must insist
(you change tenses here)
This will never go away, will never change
My love for you is vast; your power over me will never be uncertain
(bit waffly here)
For this I know you are my world
(losing the sense)
I take you know in my arms and in my heart
And there I keep you for ever more
(too wordy and evermore is one word)
You are with me you are my life
And this will never change my sister
I will keep you safe and in my heart
(back to the shorter lines, better)
Overall,
Title - ok-obvious.
Beginning-good
Voice-clear if a little over sentimental
Characters and dialogue-see above
Use of English/style-know - now, ever more-evermore
Dram-overdramatic I feel. (less is more)
Emotion-too much show and not enough tell.
Theme-is obvious, good idea but again (less is more)
Ending-good, fairly neatly tied up.
spidey
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Thanks Spiderbaby
Written by an_aspiring_writer (5 comments posted) 6th January 2006 |
Hi spiderbaby,
thanks very much for your comments i have now revised this poem and posted it as new if you would like to check it out.
jenny xxx |
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