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What does he make? Watch and find out. Hundreds
of feet of steel riveted to steel, ton
upon ton aspiring to the cloud-base?
Within it, novel lives entwine and cross,
echoing the wider world, suggesting,
shadowing, foretelling or denying
his dream that strides across horizons, is
a landmark for the traveller, shelters
the lonely, guides the lost, and defies storm.
Perhaps he sits, quietly, strand by strand
twisting a cage of filigree, looping
the rhymes, the chimes of assonance, to hold
one brilliant sonnet; or hammers through
rough chips of slate or granite which he hangs
metrically neat upon barbaric chains,
as rhythmic necklaces, armbands of sound?
Or is he skilled at polishing a stone
until the outer shape reveals its soul
simply and perfectly as a haiku?
Watch in awe. Admire his skill. And notice
how under the workbench and the tools, lie
discarded papers, scrapped designs, and heaped
offcuts, swarf, trial pieces, broken dreams.
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The Wordsmith
Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 24th May 2008 | Ah, Fellpony!
This looks like a beautifully wrought tribute to someone we both know?
But in case it's not, I'd rather not say!
Cheers!
John | nope
Written by fellpony (1617 comments posted) 24th May 2008 | It might be applicable, but in origin, it ain't!
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Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 24th May 2008 | The first stanza reminded me of Anthony Gormley's "Angel of the North".
I loved the "chimes of assonance" and the "barbaric chains", and it is good to be reminded of the "offcuts, swarf" that we should all be collecting as poets.
I think my work might be better if I threw away more of it, and spent more time polishing the pieces I keep.
Lovely images, Sue. | Craftsman
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 24th May 2008 | First of all, as a retired craftsman myself, mechanic by trade and education, I really like that you show there are many "worlds" that develop inside the process of a massive project; many skills of trade that are necessary to build do, in fact, begin to resemble separate civilizations of craftsmanship. And also that you touch on very defined skills, ironwork, riveter, stone mason...and there are some craftsmen who are multi-skilled in several trades.
My only (personal) detraction is that you infuse some very “soft” elements that do not work well in defining a craftsman. You describe very mechanistic trades that require following a well designed plan. True, at times the craftsman (or woman) must use his/her better judgment on occasion if the plan is flawed (that’s when s/he gets to go back to the engineer and point out their mistake). But primarily there is not a lot of wiggle room in the worlds you describe. With that in mind, the softer transitions slow the poem down.
Examples:
S2 starts with "perhaps".... which I think is too soft. Craftsmen "do" they never "perhaps" anything. Should be simply "he sits..."
S3 "Or is he skilled..." Of course he is skilled, so maybe it should simply state "he is skilled..."
I think if those two areas are hardened a little it will fit the overall timbre of the poem, still be poetic but have harder edges.
I really like it though; the old mechanic in me smiles at this.
BW
| Mechanic?
Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 24th May 2008 |
The above review by 'bwoz' is carefully considered, but I humbly disagree.
I see no problem with fellpony's choice of phrase . . .
I used (30 odd years ago) to rebuild my motorbike engine in my university campus bedroom . . .
I have no problem with the solid mechanics here!
Polishing a stone is very different as a skill, so the 'or' is totally right IMHO, along with the rest of the piece.
Cheers!
John |
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 24th May 2008 | I think this one of the best poems we have seen of late.
Veronica has already quoted a couple of my favourite phrases, but I really liked:
'...foretelling or denying
his dream that strides across horizons.'
I also agree with Tolstoy above regarding some of the comments by bwoz.
Of course a tradesman will 'perhaps' for he always has more than one option in tackling his trade.
"Or is he skilled..." nothing wrong with that either as we are asking which particular trade (of poetry) he is to express, I think?
As for the final stanza, I found that particularly apt as at present I seem unable to produce anything but offcuts and swarf!
Excellent, Sue!
Cheers | POTW?
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 24th May 2008 | I thought this was a magnificent piece of work. I love it when the metaphor used so perfectly suits its purpose. I thought you blended the mechanistic and the artist worlds cleverly, though I admit I'm no mechanic. I won't pick out any lines as they all work together as a piece.
It does concentrate on the 'craft' rather than the 'art' but that is not a bad thing' as the art is the inspiration- the blueprint- which is personal but the "building" of the work is a more mechanistic process.
I forgot who it was who said art is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration and so you are right to concentrate on that side in the poem
The last verse was the most telling and important and should be memorized by every poet [and writer] on the site.
If they haven't got all that stuff under their metaphorical workbenches afterwards then their work will have little substance not be worth reading.
It means you have spent time and effort on it. Leaving out is as important as putting in
I'd recommend this as POTW but as a mod I suppose you're excluded- a shame
cheers
jane | Thank you all
Written by fellpony (1617 comments posted) 24th May 2008 | | and I take Bwoz's comments on board; I think if I punctuate slightly differently with a couple of additional question marks, you might accept that these are separate possible "trades" that our craftsman might follow (originally I called it "metalworker" but then wanted to bring in the polishing of stone for the haiku). All, of course, were intended for metaphors of the craft of writing. | Good words
Written by bwoz (125 comments posted) 25th May 2008 | Thanks to all for sincere and respectful additions to my comment -- mean that truly. So many posting sites have members that like to beat up on people for having an opinion.
I must really emphasize that I do like this poem very much, as I stated it is about my life's work.
I just thought the middle two stanza start off rather slowly compared to the first and last -- it kind of slows the motion, but as you have all stated so well, it is very poetic writing and that is what is important.
I love the interactions we have in this site, as is why I (we) all come back I would guess.
Best to all
BW | Bwoz - Good on you!
Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 25th May 2008 | Cheers! Your comment above much appreciated.
We're all such sensitive souls, eh? Otherwise we wouldn't be here!
I, too, love all the banter!
Thanks!
John |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 25th May 2008 | I've never felt myself in awe of a craftsman, artist, yes, many times - in life changing ways even, but not the craftsman. (It may well be something personal...my Grandad was a skilled stone cutter, but a particularly artless man and a vicious bully to boot.)
I'm not eschewing the process of fine tuning a poem (the 'perspiration' bit), just saying that it's not that awe inspiring for me. I guess I'm also a bit doubtful about 'metric neatness' though I see you're combining and contrasting that with the roughness and barbarity (as long as that's not all ironed out).
I also found the tone a bit self congratulatory.
'What does he make? Watch and find out.' Just comes across a bit like...sit back children and watch the master at work! Sorry, just being honest.
Again, it seems to be just me, but the sentence that begins...'Within it, novel lives entwine and cross,' becomes a bit difficult to follow, though this may be intentional, (as it winds up into the clouds).
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Written by Phil (6731 comments posted) 25th May 2008 | Mostly all said. I'll just second Jane's comments about the final four lines. Good stuff.
Phil | Well done, Sue!
Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 25th May 2008 | The last four lines were my favourite. Great metaphors throughout.
BL  |
Written by Robru (219 comments posted) 27th May 2008 |
A tribute to craftsmen, well written, but perhaps too specific in content. The world is full of craftsmen not even hinted at here. Having said that, an excellent poem and an enjoyable read. | snicker
Written by fellpony (1617 comments posted) 27th May 2008 | Rob, you are very literal  The world is full of craftsmen not even hinted at here. Of course there are. I've been a leatherworker (harnessmaker) myself and can turn my hand to several other arts/crafts, from some of which I earned a reasonable living. I was, however, writing about writing, so I homed in on a few that seemed to cover prose and poetry.
Nathan R, you're right: sit back children and watch the master at work! Yes, why not? Possibly master(s) plural though. I do think craftsmen can be admirable. Where do we draw the line between craft and art? I have seen handmade saddlery that is beautifully functional, where the craft of its construction and the efficiency of it in use amounted to art. But perhaps that is another topic. |
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 27th May 2008 | Sue, you are right - there can be as much joy in watching a skilled stone mason as there can be in reading Keats!
Cheers |
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