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Sunrise: The Last Of November |
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By no1butClo
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01 December 2005 |
written on the 30th looking at a scary sunrise - i have a thing about sky "Why is the blindingly obvious always missed?" Theres something sinister
about a sunrise red as blood
on snow, fading to a sickly,
out-of-place orange, mauve,
grey and
flash
the horizon glares
blindess prickles through
the undergrowth, burning those
who dare to look upon
the smooth and eerie brightness
and the imposters, the impossibly
high mountains in the sky, sit still
and reflect what might have been. |
Written by JodhiDee (15 comments posted) 5th December 2005 | | I don't think I've ever seen a scary sunrise? I don't mean that as a criticism just I found it difficult to envisage the descriptions as a sunrise is always beautiful to myself no sickly or sinster. I do like the idea of presenting it in a unfamilar mood though just as I say i kept getting beautiful images in my head.Who am i anyway!! Just a passing comment. |
Written by spiderbaby49 (137 comments posted) 3rd January 2006 | Extraordinarily strange imagery here.
I think you could have shaoed the first stanza and the line break a little better, mauve did not need a cap letter and what was the & sign all about?
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fading to a sickly, out-of-place orange
Mauve, grey &
FLASH
The horizon glares
-------------------------------------------------------
fading to a sickly,
out-of-place, orange,
mauve,
grey
and.........
the horizon glares.......
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Also think the length of lines in the second stanza spoil the effect
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The horizon glares
Blindess prickles through the undergrowth
Burning the organs of those who dare to look upon the smooth and eerie Brightness
and the imposters, the impossibly high mountains in the sky,
Sit still & reflect what might have been.
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The horizon glares.
Blindess prickles through the undergrowth
burning the organs of those
who dare to look upon
the smooth and eerie brightness
and the imposters,
the impossibly high mountains in the sky,
sit still
and reflect what might have been.
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Don't litter your work with unnecessary cap letters and the & thing is just lazy.
spidey
| Scary Sunrise
Written by Tenchi (14 comments posted) 8th November 2006 | I think that quite often what we see is affected by our state of mind and mood at the time. Therefore, I quite like the unfamilliar slant on a sunrise theme, I like poetry that takes an unfamilliar stance on an everyday occurrence.
True, I think that the structure is sloppy, but I think that adds to the stream of conscious tone and the impact that it has on the readers mental viewer.  |
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