hi folks -hope everybody's well and looking forward to Xmas
Sorry I've been away so long
Now I'm back and looking forward to being amazed, amused and entertained
Here's a Ghost/Spook story (500 words ) I did for local newspaper competition
All comments greatly appreciated
You can hear me
"Can you hear me?"
Voices in my head.
Voices in my head.
A corkscrew would get them out.
3.15 a.m. the alarm.3 nights in a row.Yesterday, the day before, and now - today.
I set it for 7.45.You give it me 3.15.
"Yes, I hear you. What do you want?"
"Look out of the window?"
That pavement down there -three storeys down, it looks hard and cold.
I'd laugh if I bounced, or if it was soft and embraced me like a feathered mattress.
You'd feel stupid then - wouldn't you?
You're buried there. Don't give me that. I don't believe you.
"Why not? It's possible."
I'm going back to bed, leave me alone.
All right, not bed then, but I will make myself a drink and you and me, well, we'll have this out. One time and one time only. What do you say?
"So who are you? Have you a name? Do I know you? Have I wronged you?
Do I owe you? When I need you to talk to me, you don't , -... do you?"
OK, I'll be quiet. And wait.
"Your name is Alice, well, that's a start."
Anything more to say, sorry, I'll shut up."You live here - no you don't, mate.You might think you do but you don't"
"Alice girl or Alice bloke? - like that rock singer.You don't know what I'm talking about. Well, you wouldn't, would you?So Alice, what gives? why 3.15.a.m. -that alarm?"
Because you can.
"It's not funny Alice.
You try getting up for work when you can't even get out of your pyjamas, your car window shows you vectors, not streetlamps. And I'm that dog tired I make mistakes in my job."
"Have you a message for me? Or a warning? Have you got a message that you need to give me that I have to give to somebody else? Why are you here? Have you a purpose? Once it's done, will you go away? Will you leave me alone, will you leave me in peace?"
"That's not fair Alice, I don't mind helping you if you don't mind helping me.
Put yourself in my shoes. Forget I said that. It was stupid."
So you're not going anywhere.
"So how does this end Alice?" You don't know. It's up to me-you say.
If I go through the pavement I might join you in your grave
"Is that it? Would that make you happy? Is that what you want?"
"Waste of a life."
"Do you mean yours or mine?"
That window opened easy. It's not like in the movies. In the movies when people throw themselves out of the window, well, they just throw themselves out of the window.
But in real life,
" Yes, real life Alice, you have to get up on to the inner windowsill, scrunch down, stretch your legs and your bottom over the outer, hunker down and get your legs to dangle."
"Catch me Alice, I'm coming."
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Written by Krish (51 comments posted) 3rd December 2005 |
Good stuff, really drew me in. The last few lines work brilliantly. If you want to improve this I'd advise you to work on the formatting. I think after the first few lines (after '3.15 am . . .') You could probably put some of those shorter sentences together. Further on you could use '...'s to represent longer pauses - so that it doesn't read through too abruptly. No worries as far as the actual story goes though, I really enjoyed it. |
Welcome back, Kev! Written by Bagheera (683 comments posted) 3rd December 2005 |
Didn't spot that last line coming ... it's so effective! I'd have no qualms about jumping if I outlived my wife and soulmate of 26 years (including our courtship before marrying, that is!) and if I genuinely believed she was there waiting for me ........... We've already agreed to go out in a blaze of glory by hiring a top-of-the-range Harley D. when we get to the 50 years, and attempt to jump the Grand Canyon on it ..... |
Written by Alice (64 comments posted) 4th December 2005 |
Hi. This is a really good story. However, I read it, and then re-read it. And then I read the reviews. And I can't help feeling that I've missed the point. I thought he jumped because the ghostly voice was driving him mad. There is nothing wrong with the story though, I thought it was well worth reading several times. Although I agree with Krish about the formatting. All the best for the comp. Alice |
poignant stuff Written by umbugjug (46 comments posted) 5th December 2005 |
welcome back kev. this is nicely paced and spooky, drawing the reader into the way the narrator is thinking. when i read it, one thing struck me, and the other reviews seem to agree. the bits where he is talking to alice need to have more pause between his thoughts. (the ellipsis is a good idea) (just one question, doesn't alice live next door?) |
thanks everybody for suggestions and hel Written by kevinrobson73 (371 comments posted) 12th December 2005 |
| have redrafted and re-inserting |
excellent Written by JeffFernandez (9 comments posted) 29th December 2005 |
I enjoyed this little story. Good insight, although it is a ghost story or a mental health one? is that the main idea that ambigousness? If so and even if not bravo |
Written by B.D. (82 comments posted) 31st May 2006 |
| It's a nice story and well-written but I still have no clue who Alice is! |
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