|
By woody44
|
|
26 May 2008 |
Another bit of flash fiction...
It has always been my favourite, vanilla with a flake stuck in the top. I still don`t know how he knew, and I don`t suppose I ever shall.
Ten I was, that sunny afternoon. Creamy white knees and pigtails. I was waiting outside the school gates for Mam to collect me, like she always did. Late she was, which was unusual. I don`t know how long I stood there, `cause you don`t at that age do you. Anyway I was just about to go back to find a teacher when this van pulled up beside me. Scruffy it was, with `Webster`s Amusements` painted on the side. The window was open and I could see him holding this ice-cream cone, bits of vanilla dripping down onto his hairy arms. Then he thrust it through the window, said he knew vanilla was my favourite flavour and would I like to come and sit in the van with him and he`d show me how to play this little game he knew…
I`m twenty-four now, with two kids of my own. I didn`t take the ice-cream of course, or go and sit in the man`s scruffy little van. Well it would have been just the same as accepting sweets wouldn`t it. Mam would have been proud of me I`m sure. But she died you see, that sunny afternoon, crushed under a number six bus on her way to pick me up…
|
Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 26th May 2008 | Jeez.
Avoid one tragedy only to replace it with another.
It's well written and does what I think you set out to do. I reckon there's a much longer piece in there somewhere though.
Enjoyed - if that's the right word.
Phil |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 26th May 2008 | Wow,that didn't end up where I thought it would. As Phil said it replaces one potential tragedy with another. There is a sort of symmetry there, some cause and effect but the end does come like a clout round the head, as a sort of comment on the arbitrary nature of life.
Still reeling
jane |
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 27th May 2008 | Phil and Jane. This was done for a flash fiction comp, the brief being no more than 250 words. We shall see...
Thanks both
Roger |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 27th May 2008 | Feeling a bit queasy after that. This is very effective and 'bits of vanilla dripping down onto his hairy arms' paints a vivid picture. The ending came as a real shock.
Good luck with the comp.
Ben |
Written by coosh (863 comments posted) 27th May 2008 | | Yes, it reminded me of those films where they tell you the end at the beginning, and then go over the story in detail to reveal things were not as straightforward (or arbitrary) as they initially seemed. You get closure, but then start wondering… Very interesting idea, Woody. Enjoyed it. Good luck. |
Written by emma777 (21 comments posted) 27th May 2008 | | Yeh, agree with above comments - scarey, woulda preferred it fleshed out a little myself (no pun intended) but it's punchy as it is. |
Written by Nick (146 comments posted) 27th May 2008 | Sorry to repeat what others have said but it's a good piece. Nice twist at the end. Would be interested to read more.
Nick |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 31st May 2008 | | Yes, I go along with all that has been said. May I ask you if your character is Welsh? I only ask because of the way she makes her statements in back to front English: ie Ten I was (instead of I was ten) and then: Late she was (instead of she was late). "Scruffy it was" etc etc - Perhaps you could enlighten me as to this. You have missed a few question marks. Your story was well put together with quite a twist at the end. Well done. | ???
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 1st June 2008 | |
Written by woody44 (775 comments posted) 1st June 2008 | Sorry Josie, hit the wrong button. That`s what comes of trying to reply with a broken wrist...
Yes, the narrator may have been Welsh as I always try and give my characters a `voice`.
Guilty with the question marks I`m afraid. It is one of my occasional (!) failings.,
Thanks for your time.
Roger |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
