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Comedy


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The Fiendish Greengrocer

By Katanga

27 May 2008

This a bit a bit of fun I had extending 'The Two Ronnies' sketch 'FUNEX' (Have you any eggs?).

I guess this idea goes back 30 -35 years, but I hope you find it vaguely amusing?!

Cheers!

(taking a break from the poetry section!)

John

The Fiendish Greengrocer Sketch

To be performed aloud with friends in the pub, utilising a sort of Swedish Pythonesque deceased-parrot accent. (I nearly got beaten up doing this!)

C = Customer, SA = Shop Assistant, CMP = Canadian Mounted Policeman (born Italian)

C l o !

SA l o !

C m a n m n s ?

SA y s u r ! y ?

C m n x n b r n t r z t b e r .

SA e s ! u f t q !

C o a c .

[20 minutes later]

C f u n e t ?

SA e s v f t .

C n f u n e x ?

SA y e s v f f u x .

C r ! n f u n e m ?

SA e s v f m .

C n f u n e b r ?

SA e s , v f e l o b r .

C e l o b r ?!

SA y , e s!

C y u f e l o b r ?

SA o l !

C o k ! o k ! a v l f u r m n u r t n u r e l o b r n f u f u r e l o x .

SA v f n n e e l o x !

C r ! a c . . . a p t !

SA e r u r !

C o , a m s o a p ! u r s x e n a b u t ! v l f s x n a v w o r a b m w ! i v
l f u ! i v l f u !

SA r u o k ? i p t u !

C y, e s ! e s ! i v l f u ! i v l f u, u b u t !

SA l p m e ! o , l p m e !

CMP l o , l o , l o ! u k n f s x n a v w o r n a b m w !

C o, y?

CMP e t s e m r l , n f o r b d n !

C o , i d n o ! u r a b u t n s x e m n ! v l u f s x n a v w o r a b m w ?

CMP i z, “ e t s f r b d n !”

C o ! i m n n a p m n !

[at this point the CMP becomes exasperated and wrestles the C to the ground]

C o v f s x! a m n f n ! a m n f n ! a c a l f n e p l ! s x e b u t !

CMP o l ! l p m e ! l p m e !

[to be continued?]

Reviews

WTF!?
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 27th May 2008

(I've been learning internet abbreviations.)

Sorry, John. Give me a clue.

Phil

Phil Clue!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 27th May 2008

Just try pronouncing each letter of the alphabet as it stands, putting on the suggested accent, and you'll soon get the hang of it . . . Takes a bit of practice for the longer bits.

e.g. 'm a n m n s?'

Is 'Am I in M & S?'

'y, e s u r . u f t q'

Is 'Why, yes you are. You have to queue!'

Hey Phil - give it a whirl for me. Exhausting, but fun I hope?

Infuriating, more like!

Cheers!

John

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 27th May 2008

It's quite funny in a totally exhausting sort of way.I don't think I've worked so hard since I read The Book of Dave
I got as far as
o , a m s o a p ! u r s x e n a b u t ! v l f s x n a v w o r a b m w ! i v
l f u ! i v l f u !
and had to have a cup of tea and a lie down. I'll come back to it later
I'm sure it would be better spoken aloud
cheers
jane

Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 28th May 2008

r u shoor u o nlee "knee-ly" got b t n up?

Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 29th May 2008

Oh - ha ha - You cannot fool me one little bit. My husband does this all the time and funex (have you any eggs) and whvx etc etc- I know this one really well.

My review is: a thk i av mt ths b4.

I used to teach shorthand, so it wasn't too hard for me. ha ha. u wnt a lsn?

Written by fellpony (1749 comments posted) 6th June 2008

Exhausted by trying not to turn the single letters into msj writing ... it reminded me of a very old "ABCD Goldfish" sketch (no idea who did it - my mother told me about it.) As well as the Two Ronnies of course.

I wonder if it would in fact be easier to read on screen in CAPS rather than lower case? Just a thought.

2 4 T, Jane?

CAPS?
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 6th June 2008

Thanks, Telephony!

I'll try it out in CAPS on some long-suffering friends . . .

'Translation' available on request, BTW - the last bit foils most people, mainly because it's not well constructed, methinks!

Cheers!

Katie

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