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By Katanga
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28 May 2008 |
Just a sad one - I've run out of red wine!
Cheers!
John
Summertime Blues
We laughed once, yes, we two
And swam with dolphins
Singing, dancing in their sparkling flight
Then bounced dreams off our horizons
Long into the night
Now I recoil at the break of day
Curl up at the foot of tomorrow
Cursing the light
Do you, like me,
Ache to hide yourself
In yesterday’s long shadow?
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Written by Phil (6713 comments posted) 28th May 2008 | Your best to date, John - at least, I reckon. There's a gentle, dancing pulse to this that matches the melancholy feel. I kind of read it in sepia. Make sense?
Anyway - I like - very much.
Just a thought - and not important - I wonder why you centre your poems?
Phil |
Written by Brett (782 comments posted) 28th May 2008 | Like this, Tolstoy, particularly the 2nd and 3rd stanzas.
Enjoyed 'Curl up at the foot of tomorrow'
Have to agree with Phil - your best yet!
Cheers | Centre Phil?
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 28th May 2008 | Honestly don't know . . . Somehow, they look better - gives them a structure which they inherently lack.
One or two,I haven't centred - but only the ones I think are worthy!
That probably says it all! Ho!
But, seriously, is there any consensus on 'to centre or not to centre'?
Dunno! Must finich S.F. - Maybe he explains?Doubt it . . .
Cheers! Advice very welcome!
John X | Need to Ponder . . .
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 28th May 2008 | Thank you Brett - strange thing is, this was just a throw-away thing, yet you and Phil really seem to rate it.
I am chuffed, but need to ponder . . .
Much respect - Good night!
Tolstoy. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (626 comments posted) 28th May 2008 | and I might also lose the capital letters at the start of each line (I know patterjack, that is your tuition) especially as the lines are short in your work, I thnk they distract.
Agrees this is a good one - I like "yesterday's long shadow" too. |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3351 comments posted) 28th May 2008 | Forget all the claptrap about centring or capital letters. It's what the words express that matters and I was really moved by this especially the last verse, so unpretentious and simply put and yet expressing such a powerful emotion; but the whole poem was a sad progression to that point. You perfectly caught that feeling of nostalgic loss and crystallized it in those few words. Fiddle with the presentation if you like so long as you don't lose the power of the expression
jane |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1017 comments posted) 28th May 2008 | I read this as a poignant piece about awaking from a night of much merry drinking, then as something more. It seems to sum up life's more profound blues.
Mia  |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 29th May 2008 | | Yes, John, it is a pognant piece, but I don't think it is your best piece as I have seen wonderful poetry in the children's section. Well done! |
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