Not the first time I've written about John.
I have to confess, Yeats started me off with this: When you are old and grey... Certainly not claiming parity, just acknowledging a source.
I had intended to rhyme, but couldn't manage it. So, very loose pentameter, I think. Is this what they call blank verse - and is it a sonnet - or can it not be both? (or either?)
Eulogy - John
When nights are dark and thick with fireside warmth
And easy silence wraps its comfort round
The flickering shadows that dance about
These walls, I close my eyes and think of you.
We sit on either side of glowing bars
And share a Lowland malt that honey slides
And washes down the oat cakes, butter, cheese
That you, not I, thought to provide this night.
You place a book upon my lap but read
The words engraved for life across your mind -
The tale of Tam, in intonation sweet
And Scots, and now imprinted in my head.
Amidst a crowd of stars you may have gone,
But in amber memories, you live on.
|
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 28th May 2008 |
Sweetly said. Phil. I'll leave it to others argue the presentation and just say I thought you did the man proud. He may be gone but he'll never be gone far while he's still in your amber memories. Wouldn't it be great if someone were to write a poem like that about you one day?
You couldn't have a better epitaph
cheers
jane |
Written by ainsel (48 comments posted) 28th May 2008 |
I think this is very good - such a clear evocation of the details that memory keeps. I don't think the lack of rhyme is a problem in this instance - the piece flows very easily and gently.
ainsel |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
Phil - what a lovely memory to have of a friend. If I might help you with your pentameter, might I suggest:
"The flickering shadows dance across the wall"
and
"But in the amber memory you live on"
Well done Phil. It is a lovely poem. |
Hi Phil!
Written by LynB (435 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
This is such a beautiful poem, and what a wonderful tribute to a much loved friend. I especially loved the last two lines - brought tears to my eyes. As I said in my PM, you should write more poetry, because you really have a talent for it.  |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (637 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
Agree with Lyn we need more of your poetry.
The first stanza with "thick with fireside warmth" was very evocative.
Nice to hear that someone tried to get you to appreciate a good lowland malt once! The amber memories, indeed. |
HI Phil
Written by jean.day (2283 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
Beautifully written - and even more special because of what we know of your relationship with John from your previous writing.
I think you did him proud. And I think it reads smoothly just as it is.
|
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
| Thanks all. I'm glad this went down well. I really struggled with it - probably because, for a change, it was important - not flippant frippery. |
Phil
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
I read this a couple of times this morning before eventually leaving for work - have read it a few more on return. Obviously very personal, but enjoyable for the reader also.
"That you, not I, thought to provide this night"
Almost some self reproach, I felt, but the overall warmth of the piece is very moving, particularly that finishing couplet.
I agree with Josie that line three could do with an extra stress (but that is just my preferance in metre) but I disagree with her regarding your final line - leave it as it is, it's perfect.
This is a poem that I shall be returning to for some time I feel. And I'll bet you still stubbornly insist you are no poet!
Cheers |
Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
Cheers Brett. Me a poet? I doubt it. Besides anything else - I'd never live it down! 
Phil |
Stress Breaking
Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
Phil - I am almost wordless. I think this is superb.
I've just tried to read this out loud at home to my J. and got choked before I reached the end.
Above, there are points about meter - it is not an exact science, you go with what adds strength (within obvious limits}.
I sincerely do not believe that this poem would be improved through reading Stephen Fry (or anyone else).
It stands alone - and with respect to Josie, your last line is a 'killer'!
Breaking the meter at the end sometimes (as here) simply throws the rest into the metrical shadows, and makes your point stand out with deeper emphasis.
Tearfully enjoyed . . .
Cheers!
K T J |
Written by Brett (785 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
Regarding metre, the last line does not break it - it is simply trochaic rather than iambic - the first stress is on 'But' and the line naturally follows.
Cheers |
Apologies!
Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
I drink corrected!
Apologies, Phil and Brett!
Post in haste, repent at leisure . . .
John |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1019 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
Strong relationships always interest me, especially between men. Women are generally good in relationships, but I find it's not as easy for men. So I find friendship between men special, and I fell so sad that you lost him.
But it's interesting that I don't sense sadness or grief in this poem, just love, honour and a certain sense of loyalty to remember the special friend and thereby keep him alive - always.
This poem speaks to me of 'healthy' soul. (can't think of a better word!)
Mia  |
Mia Men!
Written by Katanga (1229 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
Yes, but I hate stereotyping the world, particularly when it comes to gender.
Friendships between men are just as strong as any other combination.
Cultural factors may make male-male loss more difficult to express - a deep shame in my view.
Phil's poem moves me deeply - I can only go back and hide in Yeats.
Try 'The Song of Wandering Aengus' - that's me!
Cheers!
John X |
John, Men?
Written by mia_ms_kim (1019 comments posted) 29th May 2008 |
I understand what you are saying, I think, John. In the oriental culture (that I know of), man's masculinity is in part measured by how well he relates to and bonds with another man or a group of men.
I think that's why the word 'healthy soul' came to me when I read Phil's piece. I'm not sure if the western culture promotes strong male relationship, where two men can become like a brother/father/son to each other.
A statistician friend of mine was telling me, girls are exceeding boys in every way according to recent oz stats, and more boys are becoming delinquent. I wonder if male relationships are lacking. I saw two male teachers in my boy's primary school, just 2! The principal and the vice-principal. I don't know if it should worry me.
Anyway, this is a very moving piece about a special friend, Phil, and sorry about going on about my personal thoughts.
Mia |
Written by Clifftown (620 comments posted) 5th June 2008 |
Phil, I thought this was a beautiful poem, whether it's a sonnet, blank verse ot whatever else.
The last two lines were particularly lovely, especially 'amber memories'. |
Written by CatGem (33 comments posted) 15th June 2008 |
This is lovely.
As for the lack of rhyme, I'm afraid I can't be altogether objective as free verse is my drug of choice. That being said, I think this piece is quietly powerful and that rhyming might possibly get in the way of the images.
Thank you for sharing |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register.
Previous item
