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Shorts
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| The Summer of Sid | |
| By Bobgeorge | ||||
| 30 May 2008 | ||||
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‘A brief flirt and a slap in the face, that’s life’Sid James 1976 It was summer and it was raining. I was in the park ogling passing women. One went by in a shorter and more provocative raincoat. I thought I saw a knee and muttered something about nice knees. She stared back confused. Perhaps she’d sell it to the papers I thought. ‘Sexist Sid makes snidely knee remark’, they might make it a headline, but probably not, Sid was dead and I wasn’t really Sid anyway. Vera was in the conservatory speaking on the phone in a hushed voice. I watched her via the mirror in the lounge. She was playing with her hair and gazing out the window as she spoke. When she’d finished I entered and offered a gentle ‘ahem’. ‘Gffry!’ she shrieked, pretending to be startled, holding her chest and missing her vowels, as usual she was being overly dramatic. ‘Geoffrey, you simply must not sneak, you could give me heart attack after heart attack after heart attack.’ I waited as she fanned her face and settled down. ‘Geoffrey, your soaking wet’ she said. ‘I’ve been in the park’ I explained. I told her that I had gotten a part in a new production. ‘That’s fantastic’ she said ‘you’ll be on the road again soon then?’ I said that she sounded happy and asked if she was trying to get rid of me. She blurted out a laugh and said ‘You’re dripping on the carpet Geoffrey ’ We moved in to the lounge and she sat down facing me, with a look of interest in her eyes that I hadn’t seen for years. ‘So what’s this part then?’ She asked. I wondered why that hadn’t been her first question. ‘Sid James’ I said. ‘No Geoffrey’ she said ‘What’s the part?’. ‘Sid James’ I said, ‘it’s a parody of the Carry On films and I’ll be playing Sid James’. ‘Oh’ she said ‘I see.’ I set of trying to explain how 1998 was a perfect year for a play about the Carry On stars, how if we didn’t do it then Ben Elton would. I explained how the climate was just right; There’s Something About Mary was Sid, Dana International- the lady boy Eurovision queen, she was Sid, Viagra, that was definitely Sid, Saving Private Ryan was less Sid, but Boogie Nights, that was Sid. But she just repeated herself, sighing ‘Oh, I see’. I guess that’s what happens, someone grows accustomed to glamour, they grow accustomed to being able to say ‘Yes my husband was in ‘Cracker‘, yes he was in ‘Where the Heart is’’ and it changes things, changes the dynamics. And it didn’t matter how good the new play was, to Vera I was just playing Sid James and that was that, there was no glamour, no glitz, no wow factor, not in Sid, not any more. ‘It is a parody’ I said finally. ‘Well that’s something I suppose’ she said and changed the channel on the TV. ---------------------------------------- Billy was wearing his leather jacket, the kind middle aged men wear to look younger, the kind that makes them look ten years older. I took a deep breath and told him what was on my mind. ‘She’s a very demanding woman Bill and anyway I’m not sure it’s me, you know? I’m just not feeling it Bill, not where it matters’ I held my stomach. ‘Not here Bill’ He didn’t look convinced so I placed my hands on my chest above my heart. ‘Not here either Bill…Where it matters.’ He looked as though he may throw up. ‘I’ve tried Bill but well I can’t really even do a Cockney accent. And then there’s Vera as well you know?…Well she wasn’t too impressed either. She’s a very demanding woman Bill, you know?' Bill didn’t answer, he just raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘go on…’ I shuffled on my feet, he hadn’t offered me a chair. ‘So I…I don’t think I’ll take this role after all.’ Bill sucked in air though the nostrils of his fight bent nose. ‘Yeh fuckin will!’ He screamed in an overbearing Glaswegian roar. ‘Yer will, yer will, yer will! Yer fucking will, yer nobody Brian Cox wanna be cunt!’ ‘Bill?’ ‘Don’t ‘Bill?’ me yeh bastard, you take this role, yeh hear because otherwise… your done, fucked, finished, finito, tu es fini, over! Nothing mores gonna come your way anyhow. Your shite at the best of times and dog shite the rest, you take this and you make this work and you get me my ten percent. Yeh hear me there ya wee mut?’ Bill leaned over the desk so we were broken nose to Roman. ‘And I’m not just tellin’ you this as your agent Geoffrey…am tellin you this as your friend, alright?’ ‘Alright.’ I said feebly. ‘Alright?!’ he bellowed. ‘Alright!’ ‘You’re too fuckin right ‘alright’ yeh wee shite yeh’ ‘Right’ ‘Well gone on then’ ‘What?’ I said. ‘Fuck off!’ he balked and I turned away. ‘Oh one more thing Geoffrey’ He said as I opened the door, ‘don’t you worry about Vera, I’ll take care of her’ ---------------------------------------------------------- Daniel Day Lewis spent three months living in the woods. He perfected running on the forest floor, jumping, scowling, running some more, living as Hawkeye. When they shot the Last of the Mohicans it paid off. He ran, he jumped and scowled and all without effort, all naturally, he had become Hawkeye. Method. For me it was easier, I went to the pub. I have to be Sid I thought, I have to be Cockney and the pub I decided was to become my best of friends. I walked in confidently all the time thinking; ‘Sid, Sid, Sid…Cockney, Sid’ My walk started to swagger and I employed a smirk where there had been a polite smile. ‘Sid, Sid, Sid… …I’ll have a G and T please.’ Crap! I’d forgotten the cockney. As the barmaid gave me my change I remembered and resumed my role. ‘Fanks darlin!’ I shouted slightly too loud. It must've sounded creepy along side my previous non-Cockney politeness and she turned to her male colleague. I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror behind the bar, my Sid smirk looking more manic than anything. The barmaid gave me a look of concern but it was too late to turn back. ‘So then wotz your name thean? Got a fella ave yeah? A larrvely girl like you…’ I coughed, the cockney rasp unfamiliar to me, ‘…mast ave!’ I gulped at my G and T to soothe my throat but spluttered drink onto the bar. ‘Are you OK Sir?’ Said the male barman, who had come over to help out the barmaid, she’d taken a few steps back. ‘Yes, yes I’m fine’ I replied in a perfect actors received pronunciation. ‘Can I get you anything else?’ he asked with implication. ‘Do you have any olives?’ I asked. I took a corner seat and scanned the people in the pub, looking for somebody else to try my Sid out on. I reflected as I chomped on my olives, being a lovable rogue wasn’t as easy as Sid had made it look.I wondered what Bill had meant when he’d said that he’d take care of Vera. I’d known him a while but had begun to question his methods. There were stories about Bill that were non too wholesome; one that he’d made Robbie Coltrane cry and another that he’d slapped Jeremy Irons. What he could’ve meant concerning Vera had come to concern me. Vera had her expectations and they were very high, but she loved me unconditionally and had my best interests at heart.Of course I’d repaid her interest in my career, attending to her every whim, breakfast in bed and shopping trips in Chester, and I’d give her weeks of space when she needed it, booking into hotels. Giving each other space is what had kept us so strong and the little things like breakfast in bed made the relationship fresh yet loving; doting. I thought that I’d better head off and make sure that Bill hadn’t upset her. First though I’d try Sid out on the barmaid one more time. Vera was out when I got back so I decided to practice my laugh, the trade mark Sid James cackle, dirty and raw.I got the shoulders going and warmed up my voice. ‘Me, me, me, me, meeeee, mo, mo, mo, mo, moooo’ Then I went for it with everything that I had, all the sex, and passion. That cheeky, blokey laugh: ‘Guh ha guh ahh ahhh ha! Guh ha guh ha ahhh guh ha!’ It needed to be more passionate: ‘GUH HAH HA GUH HA HA AHHH’ Sexier? ‘GUH HA!!’ Definitely dirtier: ‘GUUUHHHH HA!’ ‘Geoffrey, darling, are you crying?’ I hadn’t heard Vera return. ‘I’m OK’ I said startled, ‘I was just practicing’ ‘Practicing what?’ she asked. ‘Sid’ ‘Oh, that.’ She still sounded down beat about the role. ‘I know you think its silly Vera but Bill thinks…’ ‘Bill?!’ She interrupted ‘Darling you leave Bill to me. Now I’m going for a shower and then to bed, try not to be too loud doing…that’She gestured towards me with a snap of the wrist. ‘So are you going to talk to Bill?’ I asked, worried. ‘I’ll take care of Bill’ she said and flicked her hair with an assertive turn. ------------------------------------------------------------- Smoke arose around the bar and the other drinkers covered their mouths, but I did not. And then a piercing light from beyond the smoke illuminated the room in a flash. Again the other drinkers winced and covered their eyes, but I did not.And his silhouette then appeared on the cusp of the smoke and the other drinkers were afraid, but I was not and then he spoke to me. ‘Geoffrey’ he boomed, ‘Geoffrey, be not afraid’. ‘I am not.’ I replied serenely. ‘To play me Geoffrey there’s only one thing you need to remember, but remember it you must.’ ‘Go on’ I said eagerly, ‘go on’ ‘You must remember…you must remember…’ ‘Rehearsals start tomorrow!’, my brain reminded me, wakening me with a sudden jar of nerves. It was such a jolting experience that I shot upright in bed like a newly electrocuted Boris Karloff and released a panicked whimper. I calmed and lay back down, but I knew before my head hit the pillow, that no matter what happened I would play Sid that summer and I would be great. I might not have heard what ever it was I was supposed to remember but at least I had conjured up the man in my imagination and that was the main thing; Sid was in there somewhere. I turned in bed to tell Vera about the break though but she wasn’t there, just an empty indentation. I ran my hand over it, it was cold. I headed over to Bill’s without an appointment I wanted to tell him the good news, about my dream, about my new zest for the role, about the belief I now had in myself. I felt strong as I walked down the busy City street and nodded confident hellos to passers bye, I even whistled a tune. I bounded up the stairs in Bill’s building taking two and three at a time. I strutted into the reception and winked at Bill’s PA, she was already red faced as though embarrassed by life its self. ‘You cant go in there without an appointment’ She said nervously. ‘It’s fine darlin’ me and Bill go way back’, Hey I thought, that sounded like Sid talking, with a Cockney accent I’d have this role wrapped around my little finger. I placed my hands on Bills door and as I pulled it open noticed that the receptionist put her hands over her gapping mouth, ‘strange lady’ I thought and opened the door. Every ounce of the joy and excitement I’d felt left every part of my body, as soon as I opened that door. As before me, rising and falling, was the arse of my trusted agent Bill and beneath him was Vera my loving wife, moaning in giddy pleasure.The fact that Bill was wearing nothing but his socks and the leather jacket made the image even more unbearable. Bill was sleeping with Vera, it hit me numbly. ‘Excuse me?’I said, but it fell under the noise their passionate display. ‘EXCUSE ME?!’I shouted, which felt good. Bill turned and fell off my wife, off the desk and on to the floor, Vera shrieked. I half thought she would tell me off for sneaking up on her but she didn’t, she just stared back at me. ‘Hey Geoffrey’Smirked Bill, from the floor. ‘It’s no what it looks like…’ Bill couldn’t help himself and burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of his statement. ‘Bwaaa hahahahaha!’ cackled Bill. ‘Bwaaa hahahahaha!’ And there it was, right in front of me, filling the air with a blue-joke-smog; the Sid James laugh coming straight out of Bills mouth. As I turned and walked out the laugh rang in my ears even though I was sure Bill had stopped. It rang outside in the street too and surrounded me completely, ‘Bwaaa hahahahaha’; The sound of God chuckling grossly at a Benard Manning joke.
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