This is just little something I wrote today, influenced by a song. This is the first story I've written so tell me what you think, but dont be too harsh. :D
Gracee x
Wouldn’t have it any other way
If you’ve ever been in love you already know, if not you don’t. In this there is no I don’t know if I have ever felt love, if you felt it you would know. I know. Before that moment I was sceptical of love, believing it was just an idea made up for stories and card companies to make a profit. But I’ve never been so sure of something in my life as sure as I am about love.
The moment I saw him time stopped, my eyes were transfixed on him, I was scared that if I blinked he would disappear from my sight forever. I could hear my heart thumping deep in my chest like a voice urging me on. I pondered for a moment the fact that I may be having a heart attack but I was only 16 and sure that it was impossible if not definitely improbable. I looked at the glass in my hand as he approached, trying to act as if I wasn’t interested if I could have avoided that I would of, but it was reflex I couldn’t control.
I didn’t sleep that night, but I wasn’t laying in my bed thinking about him. I had spent from that first moment until around 7 am talking to him, just talking about everything, things I didn‘t even know I had opinion on. It was the first time I had ever done that with someone, and he’s the only person I have done it with since. I never wanted that night to end, I just wanted to stay there talking with him, laughing with him. But eventually it did come to a end, we were both reluctant to leave. If could of stayed there forever I would have done, as long as he had stayed too.
Days and weeks after that party I regretted everything I had done everything I had said. I tried to block out my feelings for him, ignored him completely for weeks until he approached me. He had know idea about my feelings for him and I knew he had no further feelings for me than a friend. I had a choice to tell him how I felt or not. I chose not. Don’t judge me on this choice, I just didn’t want it to end. I would rather have a lifetime of friendship with him than nothing at all.
After he approached me we went from strangers to acquaintances, from acquaintances to friends, from friends to inseparable, but never have we made it to lovers. I’ve never told him how I feel, never even mentioned the word love, I’m not bitter and never did I give up on love or lose it. Its still there just the same as it was that first night, and I still love him more than I care to admit but the fact is that now I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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Hi Gracee
Written by Canadian_Bacon (110 comments posted) 31st May 2008 |
Out of curiosity, what song was it?
Now, the critique begins. For a first story ever, it wasn't bad at all. Of course there are things you can improve on, but this is your first try--don't beat yourself up over any negative feedback you receive.
First of all, it's Chick Lit. I guess that doesn't have to be a bad thing...but it turns away a gigantic number of potential readers (most men and intellectually strong women). I read it because you said it was your first, and I wanted to see if I could offer anything constructive 
The first paragraph is awkward. Basically, you should try to condense it and remove anything unnecessary. If you choose to keep "In this there is no I don’t know if I have ever felt love, if you felt it you would know", there should be quotation marks around 'I don't know if I have ever felt love'.
There are some places where punctuation is missing, or there are commas that should be periods. I won't list them all, but reading it aloud to yourself should help you find the trouble spots (you know how it should sound, so fix the punctuation wherever the text doesn't do what your voice is doing.)
"I pondered for a moment the fact that I may be having a heart attack but I was only 16 and sure that it was impossible if not definitely improbable."
Too wordy. 'I thought I was having a heart attack' is all you need to say. We can guess the character's age based on what you've said about the setting and such, and the rest doesn't add anything meaningful to the story.
"but I wasn’t laying in my bed thinking about him."
Why not? Everything you say before (and after) this suggests that the ONLY thing on the character's mind would be him.
"and I still love him more than I care to admit"
Small point: you've just spent about 300 words admitting the character's love for him, so this line doesn't really work.
With all that said, you definitely should continue writing! Remember, you can only go up from here. Your problems are mostly with basics like punctuation, word economy (not being wordy) and plot continuity (making sure everything makes sense). These are all easily fixed and you'll learn to do it better with practice just like everyone else. Like I said before, it's really not a bad little story--you have a good handle on the language, it's simply a matter of polishing your craft.
Hope to see more,
-Mike
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Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 1st June 2008 |
Hi Gracee and welcome to GW. To be honest, I can't disagree with anything Mike has written. His final paragraph is the most important.
Phil |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3362 comments posted) 1st June 2008 |
I was attracted by the title,so you got that right.
For the most part it was well written and well expressed, as Mike said it was a bit overly wordy in places
You could cut the beginning for greater impact- for instance:-
"If you’ve ever been in love you already know, if not you don’t. Me? I know" [you could add] In fact I’ve never been so sure of something in my life"
Always remember "Less is more" in writing.
You have a knack for expressing emotions clearly and without pomposity.I did find the voice over style does tend to put the reader at a distance. It's what I found irritating about 'Sex and the City' which this reminded me of stylistically but you did spare us the ersatz psychology which marred the programme.
What did throw me was the complete lack of any context. This may be just me but I do like to orientate myself in a story and if you don't know anything about the character, not even a name, or the setting it is difficult to fully engage with the story.
The trick is to create curiosity and the concern
just some reactions
jane
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