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Poetry
Poem at Dawn
By Katanga
01 June 2008

Couldn't sleep! I know the rhyme and meter are a bit clumsy at the end - can I get away with saying it's intentional?

Comments on improvements more than welcome!

Sleepless John X


Poem at Dawn

 

Elusive memories on the rise

Like starlight in our children’s eyes

Remind me of the day to come

Of love gone by and left undone

 

Dazzled dreams that lie unspoken

Forgotten love that sleeps unwoken

Startled thoughts that fly unheard

Requited by the written word

 

Where are they then I hear you say

I tremble at the break of day

I gather them all together now

Weave them up and still somehow

 

I owe you more than I can pay

Love you now so urgently

As this sleep-defying sudden dawn

Folds all her stars away

Reviews

Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 1st June 2008
Hmmmm! I don't know what Joanna thinks of a man who cannot sleep but is thninking of love gone by and left undone??? ha ha However, your last verse is lovely and I think it brings it all together in a lovely way. Have a nice day - or will you need a little nap this afternoon John?

Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 1st June 2008
You could probably get away with 'intentional' awkwardness or jolting rhythm in a piece about inabilty to sleep, but you'd have to apply it with more determination. I felt the couplets and fairly smooth meter were a little too lilting and restful to convey the feeling of sleeplessness, but I suppose you could argue they convey a half awake haze (though words such as 'startled' and 'urgently' counter this). I also found it a little vague and loose in it's imagery - 'the weave', I'm left wondering what you are trying to say, what emotions you were feeling.

Written by Phil (6683 comments posted) 1st June 2008
Aren't the waking hours the most dangerous? 
 
I'm sort of with Nathan on this one. The easy and bouncy rhythm perhaps doesn't suit the subject matter. 
 
Really like the last two lines. 
 
Phil

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