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In an instant, senses new to the body
Yet unfelt, I was sure that my ears would explode
And maybe my face be transfigured,
Unnatural force of a rarity, seldom
But for its man made simplicity
The ingenuity of a child tinkering
And toying with a cluster bomb
Then all was deathly and quiet
But people moved around in purgatory
And the screams started, taking form
Like ghostly apparitions, resonating out of the cloud
In a distorted mesh with weighty burst of complete silence,
And though I barely recall having heard something of the blast
It had embraced me into its sphere of disruptive time-oblivious magic
Of a kind that only those spared its sentence
Would live to have to tell of its tale
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Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 1st June 2008 | Since I find myself drawn to reading your stuff out of curiosity (like scratching a scab) I may as well review it.
I'm glad to see you're moving away from poems that criticise other poets. This poem seems to be the closest you've got to the edgy, contemporary subject matter you were proposing.
On the less positive side, I didn't feel the full impact of an explosion here.
'I was sure that my ears would explode
And maybe my face be transfigured,'
already places the narrator reflecting on the event and distances the reader, instead of possibly placing us within the explosion itself. The 'maybe' weakens the impact too, as does the slightly awkward grammar of the second line. 'Transfigured', is too soft sounding for me, it sounds slightly mystical rather than the brutal, horrific blast of flesh I would half expect.
'Unnatural force of a rarity, seldom
But for its man made simplicity'
You lose me a bit here. It's a bit stodgy and over-rich. 'Seldom but' is again, awkward grammar and 'unnatural force of a rarity' is a fairly obscure phrase that isn't clarified by what follows. 'Unnatural' already suggests 'man made' and 'seldom' adds nothing to 'rarity'. What are these two lines saying, other than 'a force: rare, man-made'?
'Then all was deathly and quiet' is a bit weak. 'Deathly quiet' is a cliche.
'But people moved around in purgatory
And the screams started, taking form
Like ghostly apparitions, resonating out of the cloud'
is pretty good, possibly the best lines here.
'It had embraced me into its sphere of disruptive time-oblivious magic'
is also interesting, but maybe needs exploring further.
'Of a kind that only those spared its sentence
Would live to have to tell of its tale'
is a weak ending, for me. The last line lacks impact perhaps due to it's stuttering rhythm, and repetition of 'to'. 'Live to tell the tale' is also another cliched phrase. |
Written by Mr_E_Writer (192 comments posted) 1st June 2008 | There are odd passages and phrases within this work that left me teetering on the edge of something dark, brooding and foreboding.
My favourite passage was: “And the screams started, taking form like ghostly apparitions resonating out of the cloud.” Although I’m not fond of ‘resonating’ out of the cloud and feel that a word like precipitating might have been a better choice. And what else could an apparition be if not strange and ghostly?
And so, even though it is my preferred passage it is far from a strong, polished piece of writing.
Once again we are treated to wt gobbledegook with: “Unnatural force of a rarity, seldom.” Whatever that means?! And, given the recent non-arms (dis)agreement, we have the inevitable and somewhat predictable mention of a child tinkering and toying with a cluster bomb.
Ultimately, as is so often the case with your work, you have struggled to deliver a coherent message, so that your explosion ended up as a bombsite.
| nathan
Written by wt (137 comments posted) 1st June 2008 |
this is a story/rendition of a Lebanese child in "shock" who survived the explosion of a cluster bomb. Unfortunately we still have quite a few every month...
These bombs were dropped in their hundreds of thousands and many of them did not explode due to their age ... They are found and picked up by children and they individually mutilate the individual if not kill them...
The force is rare (ie unnatural),
...seldom would one imagine to find their child's ingenuity used for tinkering with one...
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Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 2nd June 2008 | 'this is a story/rendition of a Lebanese child in "shock" who survived the explosion of a cluster bomb.'
A potentially very powerful and moving choice of subject matter.
I didn't get the impression that the narrator ( the 'I' of the first few lines) was a child, none of the language choices you've made suggest a child's perspective or possible comprehension. I still question your choice to place the poem in the past tense, further distancing the reader. Perhaps the narrator is yourself and perhaps you were at some distance from the explosion. I was only suggesting possible ways in which you could engage the reader with more impact.
'...seldom would one imagine to find their child's ingenuity used for tinkering with one... '
isn't an attractive sentence but it clears up your meaning. If you're trying to convey the horror, the inhumanity of such a situation you're still a long way off, for me. | nathan
Written by wt (137 comments posted) 2nd June 2008 |
sure, a child will quickly lose their innocence after such an event...and when talking to you about their experiences they do so as little "men" or "women"...
not so much the horror of, as the experience of having survived the blast... a child will portray a sense of euphoria at being alive.... while you in turn are reinforcing their bravery and optimism so that they can maintain a degree of "sanity" after such an ordeal...and are strongly encouraging them to talk about it...(ie to have* to tell the tale)
the past tense reinforces that their childhood is now a thing of the past...they are transformed
have |
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