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Paris Hilton's Furniture Conspire's to Murder Her

By Emmuttmax

02 June 2008

This is just plain silly.

Paris Hilton’s Furniture Conspires to Murder Her

As soon as the deadbolt slid into place, and they were sure she was out for the night, the Henrik Mussman leather sofa spoke up. “Listen up, all of you, I can’t stand it anymore, and I know some of you feel the same way. It’s been going on for far too long, and I say it’s time we put an end to it.”

“I’m pretty disgusted, too,” said the $12,000, Machenspeil sideboard, “but what do you suggest we do?”

Several other pieces including the Rococo hall table, the Tienda floor lamp, and an 18th-century Gruble side chair chimed in, “Yeah, the situation is deplorable, but what can we do about it, we’re only furniture?”

“Well,” said the sofa, “I cost $35,000, and she treats me like a cum towel. I’m tired of her leaking on me.”

“Me, too,” said a voice from the bedroom, which everyone knew was the oversized Van Allen bed. “She dresses me in these atrocious flowered sheets, and lets that little dog crap on me. Something must be done.”

“Wait a minute, just wait a minute,” said the Diane Von Furstenburg dining table, “I don’t really have any problem with her. Sure there was that one time she had sex on me with that Greek kid and didn’t bother to wipe up, but that was it. I don’t think we should do anything drastic. And, I definitely think we should leave the little dog out of it. Poor thing, the way she treats it, dressing it up in those stupid clothes and all; no wonder the dog has mental problems. It’s not his fault, so let’s be fair.”

The sofa coughed and said, “Yeah, I suppose you’re right. We’ll let the dog go but not her; she’s going to pay, and pay dearly.”

Some of the knick-knacks disagreed, and they were joined by the chandelier in the foyer, but the sofa said they’re opinions didn’t counts because they were simply decorations and couldn’t really be considered furniture.

Finally, the old, hand-woven, $70,000, Oriental rug spoke up, “Look, I’ve been here the longest, and I’ve seen a lot. I don’t mind that she walks all over me, and I don’t mind that she has sex on me, but I absolutely draw the line at the leaking thing. It’s just rude and disrespectful. I say we should kill her.”

A hush fell over the room. Some of the furniture had been thinking the same thing, but had been reluctant to voice their opinions. Now, since the idea had been brought up, a murmur of approval arose. “Yeah, let’s whack her,” said the coffee table. “It’s not as though she has an important job or something. Does she even have a job?”

“She’s a celebrity,” offered the ottoman, “a leaking celebrity. It’s time for her to go.”

A vote was taken, and Paris Hilton’s furniture decided to murder her.

“But how do we do it?” asked the rug.

“I’ll do it,” said the sofa. “The next time she sits on me, I’ll clasp my arms around her and smother her to death.”

“But she’ll leak all over you,” warned the armchair.

“That’s Ok, It’ll be the last time.”

The floor lamp sounded a note of caution, “What if you get caught?”

“Hey,” said the sofa, “I’m not worried about that. If I get caught, what are they going to do, reupholster me?”

Reviews

Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 2nd June 2008

Quote:

“She’s a celebrity,” offered the ottoman, “a leaking celebrity

You have class! Unlike PH. Who's that other tart she hangs around with on the TV?

Enjoyed this. Surreal narrative at its logical best. Okay - I know what I mean.

I suppose she's an easy (ha) target - but it makes it all the more worth while. Know little about her except what I catch when my kids are channel hopping. Do you know if she has a good libel lawyer? :eek

Good stuff.

Phil

Hi Emmuttax
Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 2nd June 2008

I enjoyed this. You must have had fun writing it. Are you familiar with all those posh bits of furniture, or did you have to reseach it all?

I would have had the carpet cause her to slip and then one of the tables could have fallen on her to finish the job off.

Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 2nd June 2008

A quirky and original bit of humour. I sometimes wonder what sparked off the writing in the first place and this is one of those times. Loved the idea of them all conspiring against her. You certainly know your furniture.
It might have been fun to have had one dissenting voice in favour of her for variety.
cheers
jane

Written by 1211kellie (177 comments posted) 2nd June 2008

Was drawn to the surreal title. I really enjoyed this it appeals to my love of toilet humour.

Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 2nd June 2008

As Phil says, 'Surreal narrative at its logical best'. Surrealism does work best when you keep up the pretence of reality. Take a very real situation, like everyone wanting to kill Paris Hilton and then replace the human protaganists with animal, mineral, vegetable. This is fun, some good lines including the last. As BBS notes, the tone of each voice is a little samey, you could've played on the natural hierarchy of furniture a little more (as with the oriental rug...would attempt at ancient chinese dialect be too corny?)

Written by Nick (163 comments posted) 2nd June 2008

Mike - I thought this was awful - only kidding - just sick of praising your work!!

As with comments above - this is funny and quite surreal - of course my sick mind laughed hardest at "she treats me like a cum towel"

Also anything with the words 'Paris Hilton' & 'Murder' in the title will always demand to be read.

Good stuff.

Nick

Written by Emmuttmax (203 comments posted) 2nd June 2008

Thanks all, your comments and suggestions are appreciated.

Phil, yeah, PH is a much too easy target. I think the story would be better if the intended victim were not quite as glaringly stupid.

Jean, all the furniture in the story are products of my imagination. I simply tried to come up with names that sounded classy. The carpet is much too old and dignified to actually carry out the crime.

Thanks Kellie, I found some humour in my bathroom the other day.

Nathan, I did think about using accents, but like you mentioned, thought that might be too much of a cliche. I tried to express the heirarchy a little, but I guess I missed the boat.

BBS, the table did defend her a bit, and it was adamant about not hurting her dog.

Nick, you're a sick dude...my kind of guy.

Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 2nd June 2008

Does PH actually have 'leaking' problem that we haven't heard of??? I guess this is your quirky way of commenting on PH's or PH followers???

Has Pathetic Bob written a chapter on his diagnosis on the the pseudo-celebrity obssessed culture of our day? We must be very empty and sick as a society for so many to be able to capitalise on the PH's, especially PH herself. I wonder just how diseased we are as a people??? I get a feeling that the furnitures, out of pure frustration, are making a stand in the absence of any discernible human efforts.

Sorry to be gloomy. But again, a very readable and interesting piece.

Mia :sigh

Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 3rd June 2008

Very entertaining idea - I get the impression you can roll out these pieces blindfold (if that's the right expression) - it's just important that it doesn't start to look like that. Title-wise - take a surreal name/celeb name followed by a quirky idea - it works, but imagine a list of your short story titles in the contents of a book, Jurgen, Ronnie, Paris, etc... it needs to look fresh each time, and not become formulaic, which can be difficult.

Having said that, this did come across as a fresh idea. You could script it as animation, and probably poke Paris from a few more angles. Loved the cum towel and traumatised dog... final line was excellent. Another entertaining piece.

Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 3rd June 2008

Just thinking about this "plain silly" idea, didn't she go to prison for driving offences? So, she'd have a well-used drinks cabinet, and an IKEA handcuff closet... (or maybe not).

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