Guys this is my first piece of writing I would really like to hear whatever you think about it. It is my first time to do something like this and it is much more difficult than I thought LOL! I am finding it hard to explain what all the people in the story are thinking any ideas on ways get better at this would help me out because i want to do more stories like this
Cheers
Dave was gutted, Marmite was late getting back. He was always going out and coming back late, this got Dave nervous and gave him really bad headaches as Marmite was his only friend. Eventually Marmite came back. Marmite was Dave's cat and lived with him in the same cell in prison. Marmite could talk and speak English but Dave is the only person who can understand him, he is also clever and can pick locks. Dave dont talk to people and he uses Marmite to do all his talking to other people when he wants to talk to people
"Marmite where have u been mate? You have been away for ages bruv". said Dave. "Sorry I'm late mate I have been really busy doing all the things you asked me to do" said Marmite. Because Dave had asked him to do some things for him. "I went out of the cell just like you said and got out from the window in the games room. There was the time machine outside and I got in in it and left". "That sounds amazing" said Dave "your really lucky. What happened? I'll make you a cup of tea and you can tell me the story of basically everything of what you done". Dave made a brew for Marmite and him. He gave Marmite his best cup because he had done a good job and he was happy.
"I went to the future first by mistake because I couldnt understand how to drive the time machine" said Marmite. "LOL, mate you are more clever than me and you couldnt work it out" said Dave. "Shut it your not treating me with respect and that aint right as i done all the things you asked me to do for you" said Marmite. Marmite became angry because of Dave and kicked over the tin of teabags Dave had and ripped up his Racing Post. "I am sorry" said Dave. "I know you aint slag, I was joking. tell me about all the things you done today". Dave wanted to know about what the world was like and what the past was like.
"Well, I went to the future by mistake and I didnt like it. There was no flying cars like I thought and it was difficult to breath because of the pollution and nobody spoke english. I got back in the time machine and pressed some other buttons and went to the right place. I saw Gary talking to the police just like you said, he was talking about you saying you werent no good" said Marmite. "I knew he was out to get me" said Dave "I never trusted him, Mickey and Gareth didnt either. Mickey asked me to to a protection job with him once but i said no because I dont trust Mickey and he gives me headaches" said Dave.
Marmite started smoking a cigarette "I waited for him to stop talking to the law then followed him back after he finished his day release work, then I done him with that toothbrush you left in the games room. Then he died. I tried to find the magic firework you asked me to find for you but I couldnt because i couldnt work out how to drive the time machine properly and it was getting dark" said Marmite.
"You done well mate you are my best friend. Gary was slag and no good" Dave laughed and was happy with all the things Marmite had done. He wasnt angry about Marmite being late anymore
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Written by Mr_E_Writer (187 comments posted) 6th June 2008 | Good morning.
Your member name is Newwriter and you've "just done a creative writing course".
You still have a massive amount to learn, I'm afraid.
Poor grammar, repetition, tense issues, lack of punctuation, etc.
A couple of quick examples.
"Marmite where have u been mate? You have been away for ages bruv". said Dave. "Sorry I'm late mate I have been really...
"Marmite, where have you been, mate? You have been away for ages, bruv". said Dave. "Sorry I'm late, mate, I have been really...
Would someone who says "bruv" then go on to say you have? Or would he say 'you've, I've, etc?
Dave dont talk to people and he uses Marmite to do all his talking to other people when he wants to talk to people.
PEOPLE x 3. Dont is spelt Don't and should be doesn't.
I would suggest something along the lines of: Dave doesn't talk to people. When he has something to say he uses Marmite to do all of his talking for him.
Maybe this will help a little, but you really need someone to proof read the whole story and point out all of your errors, one by one,
Regards,
Eric. |
Written by Mr_E_Writer (187 comments posted) 6th June 2008 | Sorry, I was also going to point ot that you should have a comma inside the speech marks if it is not a closed passage. Also a new line when the character changes.
"Marmite, where have you been, mate? You've been away for ages, bruv," said Dave.
"Sorry I'm late, mate, I have been really...
Or you could have:
"Marmite, where have you been, mate? You've been away for ages, bruv." There is a full stop here instead of a comma because I have removed 'said Dave'.
"Sorry I'm late, mate, I have been really...
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Written by BedtimeStoryteller (103 comments posted) 24th July 2008 | Ways to get better? That’s easy; just read any, and every, novel you can lay your hands on.
As for your FIRST STORY! You’ve fallen straight into the tense trap, i.e. mixed past and present tense: Marmite was (paste tense) Dave's cat and lived with him in the same cell in prison. Marmite could talk and speak English but Dave is (present tense) the only person who can understand him…
Here’s a badly worded, and contradictory, sentence: Dave dont talk to people and he uses Marmite to do all his talking to other people when he wants to talk to people - Still in the present tense, plus people repeated twice. How about: Dave never talked to people, he let Marmite do his talking for him. Though, if Dave is the only one who can understand him, how can he do Dave’s talking for him?
There are a few mistakes – mostly missing inverted commas – and some of your writing, though fine in a text message, would not go down well with a publisher, e.g. u instead of you, and LOL. But you have a good imagination, and that is every bit as important as the writing. So keep the stories coming.
Ian
Guiseley, UK
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Written by ExCon850560 (1 comments posted) 24th July 2008 | I can't believe how badly the other contributors missed the point. This work is excellent. Dave and Marmite are exactly the kind of characters that you meet inside and your story brought all the memories flooding back - especially the bit about switching that guy with the toothbrush LOL!!
Your innovative style conveys very nicely the feelings of hopelessness that pervade in these insitutions and the dialogue emphasises the high level of illiteracy amongst those doing bird.
That these points were lost on some does not surprise me - James Joyce had to explain the major themes of Ulysses to the moronic literati. On this evidence, you could be the next Joyce.
Although bear in mind that writing doesn't pay as well as petty theft. |
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