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By JodhiDee
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05 December 2005 |
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Romance is dead......she slit her own wrists.
The blade shimmered and quivered,
she could not resist,
to taste her own blood rumoured so sweet.
Betrayed and unloved,
she fell to her feet
shrouded in lace
still with an air of grace
she lay on her side as the pain ran free
straight from her veins
a red river flowed down to the sea.
It was clear...
Romance was dead,
she had slit her own wrists. |
Written by no1butClo (337 comments posted) 6th December 2005 | this reminds me of "Havisham", thepoem by Caro-ann Duffy.
As for the sunrise thing, it's simply becuase i usualy find sunsets beautiful, and this one was so big, and out of the ordinary, it was scary. jus symbolic of how life is unpredictable and there's so much we dno't know. it was odd.
thanks for your review!
Clo | Well paced
Written by Bagheera (680 comments posted) 6th December 2005 | ....... it left me feeling breathless!
You might want to consider changing the opening line to past tense - exact phrase as used in the last line might just 'tighten things up' if you want to stress the "no escape" feeling which I got from reading it.
I've left you a PM about the formatting problems you mention elsewhere, hope it's some use to you!
regards Bagheera | Romance is dead
Written by paulgpaul (37 comments posted) 6th December 2005 | | Sorry, but I don't see the point in the repetition. |
Written by JodhiDee (15 comments posted) 6th December 2005 | Don't be sorry I welcome all comments both positive and critical.
The point of the repetition is when this poem is read out to an audience it I feels gives a finality to the drama of personifing romance and its death as a woman.
The loss of paragraphs from uploading from Word I feels takes away from its structure and the way it should flow this i need to ammend this. |
Written by spiderbaby49 (137 comments posted) 3rd January 2006 | Romance is dead.
She slit her own wrists.
The blade shimmered
and quivered,
she could not resist,
to taste her own blood
rumoured so sweet.
Betrayed and unloved,
she fell to her feet.
Shrouded in lace,
still with an air
of grace
she lay on her side
as the pain ran free
straight from her veins
a red river flowed
down to the sea.
It was clear...
Romance was dead,
she had slit her own wrists.
I think that with a little editing to tighten up some lines and lose the repetition at the end this will be a striking poem. It is a teenage angsty poem but still one of the better ones I have seen.
spidey
| A few opinions...
Written by Talisker (1326 comments posted) 25th August 2006 | Just on a practical note:
"she fell to her feet" is a bit confused, you get to your feet or rise to your feet - but I think you fall to the ground, about your heights distance from your feet.
"and quivered" - I know it sounds nice, but it would need to be a very flimsy blade to quiver, or a very long one.
I feel over fussy, as I quite like the poem otherwise. I think the scenario and details need to be right to make it more believable - so the reader is engaged and can see things in their minds eye.
Oli |
Written by austheke (35 comments posted) 5th May 2007 | yup. the teen angst thing.
well, better than some. but it's still teen angst. |
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