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Poetry
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A Living Jewel
By PoetPaul
03 June 2008
Ruby and emerald and sapphire
Are the gems of his attire,
 Clothed in an iridescent glow,
Like fragments of a rainbow.

Aerobatic antics make my heart stir
As his wings beat to a misty blur
Searching each exotic flower
So that he can gently shower
 
 His kisses upon petals of gold.
Then they immediately unfold
To give him a rich reward - 
Nectar, generously outpoured.


Then, off he flies at breakneck speed
In search of yet another feed.
Darting here and there all day,
Such a breathtaking, graceful display!     

Reviews

Written by Turquoise-Tangerine (223 comments posted) 3rd June 2008
Yo, geezer. I feel like a PoetPaul sandwich! 
Got any more, Paul? Or is five enough for one sitting? 
 
Living Jewel: My opinion. 
 
A few of the lines are a bit chunky and disturb the read. 
 
*Aerobatic antics make my heart stir* Goes from 10 syllables, down to 9 and then two lines of 8. Doesn’t work for me, I’m afraid.  
 
Throughout each of the four parts, line 1 rhymes with 2, and line 3 with 4. So what happened here? 
*To give him a rich reward - Nectar, generously outpoured* Ward - Ored? 
 
Does nectar outpour? Hoard rhymes with reward and I’m sure you could find other suitable words if you thought about it. 
 
See you later, 
Turk.

Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 3rd June 2008
Just read all five postings. FTR: you'll get much more useful responses if you limit yourself to post one piece at a time. 
 
Most of your pieces were metrical and rhymed. The meter, in places was a little lumpy and language use was there to fit the pattern and not necessarily for clarity of thought. eg/ 'as plain as plain can be' could be improved significantly with a bit of work. It may have an impact on the rhymes and rhythms elsewhere, but then they can be adjusted too. 
 
If that proves too difficult, perhaps putting metrical verse to one side for a while and focusing on words and meaning first would help. Nothing wrong with a tight structure - just may obstruct at times. 
 
Possibly a case of less is more. Perfect one and move onto the next. 
 
Hark at me - I'm a third rate poet at best. Just an opinion. 
 
Phil 
 

Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 3rd June 2008
Hi,  
I do agree with Phil (who's too modest to tell you what work he is capable of) and the rhyming of 'rainbow' after 'glow' did seem a little wrenched (but we are all amatuers) and I have been guilty of this more than once. 
There are some good lines here, but as a whole the metre does seem a little awkward.  
 
Brett 

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