[In 1998, Express Media launched Channel Di (subscriber digi-cable-sat-XtraPlus), in response to an overwhelming demand from… the overwhelmed. Ten years later, it still provides an essential public service. We switch on to see the charming, soft-spoken Paul Burrell deep in conversation with the chief auctioneer at Christie’s]
PAUL: … so I picked up this solid gold Regency jousting fork, and she said “You can have that, because you’re such a loveable and trustworthy creature”… Placed it straight in my chandelier and candelabra closet [shot of row of lock-ups off Deptford High Street, police, dogs, battering ram, etc. ] …and then she dressed up as Groucho Marx and we went to an all-night Little Chef for a saveloy with Fergie, who was apparently disguised as a space hopper… they were so funny when they pretended to be ordinary bulimia sufferers… quite human…
CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK
V.O. [emphatic Pearl & Dean]: Still not sunk in? [view of Alma tunnel, Paris, on that fateful night, 10 years, 8 months, 6 days, 5 hours and 23 minutes ago] Want to re-live that first cup of tea you had to get over the shock? Look no further than our innovatory porcelain liquid Darjeeling dispenser [it’s a beaker] showing the Princess’s head from a never-before-seen angle [a batch of reject pottery, with the portrait stamped upside-down]. Comes with free attractive handkerchief made from special tear-absorbent fabric.
FLASHING CAPTION: Hanky for mugs only
CUT TO VOX-POP INTERVIEW WITH “ORDINARY MAN-IN-THE-STREET”
[Busy main road. He is about 70, cross-eyed, wearing a monocle, with rose-patterned dressing-gown and matching slippers that have all seen better days… possibly during the Crimean War]
M-I-S: Ah pray for that poor lass every morning in mi doctor’s waitin' room. Bought this designer shrine-mat for mi knees, from them luvly people at Channel Di… [holds it up - it’s supposed to go round a toilet] Some people think ah’m barmy, but ah’tell thee, when you cut open a marble cake and suddenly see that face smiling at you through a cluster o' land mines… [looks lost] D’you know if they ‘ave a branch of eBay in Warrington?
CUT TO COMMERCIAL FOR THE CHANNEL ITSELF
V.O. [Exaggerated Pearl & Dean meets Murray Walker]: And now, Channel Di presents ‘The Diana Investigation’, part 2541. This week: “Do French men fully understand German cars?” [shot of Alain Prost spinning off the track at Hockenheim in his McLaren] We talk to a specialist Fiat Uno mechanic [Prince Phillip, in Kwik-Fit overalls, smiles menacingly, slowly raising a large spanner]
V.O. [contd.]: Win a sat-nav, programmed to hunt out all that memorabilia you bought in 1997 and never realised you’d need again. Compatible with attics, garages, sock drawers, under the stairs, and ladies' handbags. Even skips [Prince Phillip does a quick jig, for some crap pun] Trace that Taiwanese tiara in minutes… Just answer the following question: Should councils provide special coloured wheelie-bins for deceased Royal merchandise?
a) Yes
b) Patagonia East (Plaid Cymru)
c) Où est le pain chocolat, mon brave?
CAPTION: Calls charged at standard Ant & Dec rate, but may cost more for those unable to hold a phone correctly.
V.O.: Only hours left to enter our Strictly Come Diana Lookalike X-Factor competition. Remember last year’s winner?
LAST YEAR’S WINNER: [she could be anyone from Hillary Clinton to Aristotle Onassis] Hi! I’m from Salt Lake City. There were seventeen of us in this marriage…
MUSIC: The channel has adopted McCartney’s “Live and Let Die” as its theme tune. (The decisive meeting was on a bank holiday, and only attended by one person, obsessed with venomous hatred for Heather Mills).
V.O.: Coming up for your viewing pleasure this summer on Channel Di…
* We go undercover to find out whether Westminster Abbey is genuinely secure [a reporter dressed as a sheikh enters the pulpit]
* Compare taxi fares from the Gare du Nord to the mortuary.
* Has the death of the Princess of Wales finally affected house prices in Swansea?
* What’s the most you’ve ever lifted as a pall-bearer?
[etc., etc….. up to]...
Hewitt Shock Revelation: Not guilty! My balls were shot off by a trainee marksman at Sandhurst.
[Secret footage of furtive-looking Mick Hucknall emerging half-dressed in the moonlight from the tradesman’s entrance of a Little Chef, followed by a distinctly unwell Groucho Marx]
All on Channel Di! It's what she would have wanted!
© Good Mourning TV, Althorp Amusements, Blackpool, Lancashire. ‘Where Crass Means Brass’
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Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 | Top stuff, David. Tired of blasphemy and such and thought you really wanted to put your life on the line by insulting St Diana of he terminally empty headed?
Can't fault any of this. Yes, it was crass - but bloody funny. I suppose there are that many targets (and ex lovers - hers not yours) you had a job knowing who to leave out.
Glad to see many of the main players got it in the neck.
Merchandising: I don't know what they're called - but you can get tablets to stop you passing wind. They could be sponsored by the Queen of Farts - groan.
More please.
Phil |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 | Ex-communication probably beckons, but apart from the fact that the tabloids are still printing Diana "news", I recently met someone whose living room was chocker with table mats, barometers, etc. of this nature and found it a little difficult to keep a straight face. The problem was more that a lot of these ideas seemed plausible.
Many thanks, Phil. I guessed your Royal feelings might just be able to stomach it. Cheers. |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 | Real commercial stuff this David. You have it all here, in spades. Particularly liked the Fiat Uno mechanic. I dread to think how much worse (sorry emotional) it all would have been had she been born a Liverpudlian(with apologize to Bags). Your humour is as always, very cutting edge and reinforces what I said in my PM. So get it out there!
Roger.
PS I`m sure this reverential treatment of such a national icon puts you in the running for some sort of gong from HM. |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 | | The likelihood of hearing "Arise Sir Coosh" is probably on a par with that of "Bless you Sir Mohammed Al-Fayed". Thanks for your comments Woody, but I will leave your key point to Bagheera... otherwise a Boris Johnson/Simon Heffer faux-pas may accidentally slip out. |
Written by Livinginanattic (473 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 | This is very sharp, flows nicely, is packed with gags (as ever). Loved the directions. A great send-up of all the tacky commercialisation we get on TV. Particularly liked the bullet points starting: 'Compare taxi fares...' and the phone line at the Ant & Dec rate, as well as the face appearing in the marble cake.
Very funny piece.
Ben |
Written by Clifftown (642 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 | Enjoyed this, although it's also a bit scary - I could believe such a channel actually does exist. There's so much mileage in the subject that I'm sure you could have gone on for pages more.
As for the Darjeeling dispenser, how do you come up with these ideas?! I'm envious.
Brilliant piece, as usual.
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3590 comments posted) 4th June 2008 | You have made this style of humour your own, in fact I'm not sure if you haven't invented it. A script in narrative form where the directions and asides are just as funny as the dialogue. The closest thing I have read to it is the published script for Withnail and I. [have I mentioned that before?] which used the same devices.
I say it's in its own genre because it is in script form but it meant to be read which makes the reader do the work and really adds to the humour.
I think Woody is right this is up to professional standard and deserves a wider audience. I don't know if you have your own website. but you could try the newspapers, esp the Sundays. Graig Brown occasionally does stuff like this. He had a fake conversation with Presscot recently, though I must say it lacked your surreal input.
You make it look easy and I hate you for it 
jane |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 5th June 2008 | | Cheers Ben, Nina and Jane. Not to everyone's taste I expect, and probably overloaded - is Chris Morris still working? It's just an extension of the idea of those Private Eye-type scripts - is that the Craig Brown connection? Sundays never occurred to me - will find out more. Many thanks. |
Written by Emmuttmax (203 comments posted) 6th June 2008 | This is just a great example of comedy writing. I can feel the comic timing, and the professional quality of the writing leads me to believe that if you are not working in the business, you have missed your calling.
Have you submitted your work to any shows? |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 7th June 2008 | Basically, very little. Started writing on GW to see if I could, worked from the feedback, and continuing to try and learn. Flattering review. Always interested to see how and whether humour travels.
Thank you also for introducing me to Lesbian Lumberjack Salsa. We have opened classes here at the Women’s Institute in Millwall, but can only afford one chain-saw and two swarthy Colombian flower-arrangers. How much bush should you trim off on a first date?
| HI Coosh
Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 15th June 2008 | Very clever piece, as always. I thought I had left a review before, but I don't see it here, so I guess I got distracted.
Not much to add, as it has all been said, but it certainly was fun to read. |
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