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Not the Man I hoped I'd be

By Nick

03 June 2008

Just another short.

Comments always appreciated.

    When she walked out of my life I felt nothing – after all that was what was expected and I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I remember before she left she couldn’t make up her mind whether to stay or go. I kept think she would stay, maybe rent a flat for 6 months and see if she could adjust to this cities way of life.

    It was an E-mail. Just a 1 line message. It read, “I don’t want to leave but I’m going anyway”. That’s all, no explanation, nothing. I think part of me broke then. Whether it was my heart or maybe my soul, I don't know.

    I have suffered in my life – mainly physical pain, but it was nothing compared to the hurt I felt when she left. All the emptiness and longing, I didn't know I could feel that bad. I just kept reading her old text messages, it didn't really help though.

    I had been so blasé about our whole love affair that I think she believed I didn't love her. My ambivalence to the whole thing was really me just being scared shitless cause I'd never loved anyone that much and I didn't know how to act.

    If I had been more of a man and just told her exactly how I felt, maybe she would've stayed and we could've lived the idyllic life in the suburbs, with 2 kids, a couple of cats and some Ikea furniture.

    I wasn't the man I hoped I'd be and so here I am, in my small dark flat, boring you with the only noteworthy thing to happen in my life.

    After she left I just felt totally alone. It was like I had nothing to get out of bed for and so in the name of all things manly – I got drunk. I didn't leave my flat except to buy more vodka. I stayed in bed for 4 days straight and thought about ending it all but I just kept holding onto the hope that she would realise her mistake and come back to me.

    On the fifth day my boss phoned and told me I'd better be in work the next day or I would be out of a job. For whatever reason this worked. I was maybe a shattered version of my previous self but I still needed to survive. I went to work the next day and the day after that. Slowly things returned to normal. I started to find the joys of living again. I was laughing more and after a few weeks I almost resembled a human being.

    Then it happened. The day that pushed me back to reality and recover from my lost love. It was my friend, he very apologetically told me that he was the one that told the woman I had loved, that I was worth a fortune and was due to inherit the lot when I turn 25. He explained that he didn't think I would fall in love with her and that he was only trying to get me laid. He knew she was a gold digger and thought it would be a laugh.

    I wasn't as angry with him as I thought I would be. I simply called him an asshole and got back to work. He made a bad decision, I fell in love, now I was slowly falling out of love. He's my mate so it didn't take much for me to forgive him, although the next time he tells me he's pulled a beautiful woman, I won't tell him 'she' has an Adams apple.

    As for my 'lost love', the last I heard she was shacked up with some IT professional and was sniffing around a company director. I wish her the best of luck and hold no ill feelings towards her. We were both sold on a lie. She thought I was rich and I thought she was a decent human being.

Reviews

Written by Emmuttmax (160 comments posted) 3rd June 2008

Hi Nick,

"Lost love" is always good fodder for a story. I think your idea was good, but you faltered a bit on its execution. The first sentence should always be one of the strongest in a short piece; the one you used is might turn readers away because of its poor construction and misplaced words. "When she walkout on me...." instead of: When she walked out on me....

It might just be a matter of proofreading your work a little closer.

The change of tense from past to present (paragraph 3) does not fit in.

You have talent, and this could have either been a poignant or humorous story, but it feels like you got lost along the way.

Written by Nick (134 comments posted) 3rd June 2008

Thanks for the comments Mike, especially the "you have talent" one!!

I have corrected the first line and change the 3rd paragraph to past tense to fit with the rest of the story.

Nick

Written by mia_ms_kim (951 comments posted) 3rd June 2008

Liked this, Nick. It read easily, and I felt for the protagonist. I liked the twist, and I liked the last paragraph, and the last line as the conclusion.

Mia

Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 4th June 2008

You nearly lost me there with all his angst and self-pitying talk of lost love, it seemed a bit too much of a cliche and not really my sort of thing. Then I got to the twist and from then on it was really good, I enjoyed the humour and it had all been worth the effort. In general the text flows well and I couldn't help feeling sympathetic towards your protagonist.

Cheers,
Ben

Written by shirley_keeldar (67 comments posted) 4th June 2008

I like the new first line, it has more of a hook.

The main body could have had more description/imagery because it seems like we've only scraped the surface of his emotion, but maybe thats the poet in me!

Lastly, I love a good twist, especially when they are dark like this one.

Well done!

L :grin

Great Twist!
Written by Katanga (1129 comments posted) 4th June 2008

I thoroughly enjoyed this, and last two paragraphs with the final twist are superb plus a killer final sentence!

Cheers!

John

Written by Nick (134 comments posted) 5th June 2008

Thanks for the comments folks - always appreciated.

Nick

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