Not tried this form before - not sure if I will again!
In sinful wage I knew my calling lay,
no honour in my person to behold,
no character of value to foresee
or moral stucture taught on which to stand.
No further could this world lead me astray
until the very devil I cajoled,
then took him to my breast in bonhomie
so that in every deed he'd play a hand.
He introduced me cultures to betray;
I've ransacked pyramids of their ancient gold
and forged it into carnal currency,
where purer saw more in a grain of sand.
His music danced me every holy day
into that cave from where the stone was rolled,
to prove me Paradise's refugee,
converting it for harlots, brash and grand.
Yet in the summer heat of Monterey
where I left a man a corpse, stone cold,
I saw her in such tender company
and thought she would make such sweet contraband.
I clasped her hair and sampled her bouquet,
my senses and defenses uncontrolled;
her eyes reflecting skies upon a sea
cast a storm that I could not withstand.
A thousand miles on horseback could not say
all I wanted; it remains untold.
She forged this heart that beats via alchemy,
but my soul is flamed by Satan's brand.
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Written by patterjack (1343 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 |
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Written by patterjack (1343 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 |
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Written by patterjack (1343 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 |
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Play it Again . . .
Written by Katanga (1410 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 |
. . . Brett!
Wow! No wonder you've been slightly quiet on GW these last couple of days!
Gosh - similar in difficulty to your unmatchable piece about yout your 'previous life' being 'lived by moonlit streams' (as I recall?).
Just brilliant, old boy!
I mean 'bonhomie' as a rhyme? Phwooooarh!
And, I'm sorry, my predictably favourite line:
"and thought she would make such sweet contraband"
Phew! I wipe the sweat from my unworthy poet's brow!
Good on yer
I shall revisit and revisit - this is just my initial whoosh.
Cheers!
Katie
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a last try
Written by patterjack (1343 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 |
I may have solved my problem with the duplicate postings.
I sent the pm in praise , so here I will merely re-iterate -- I am very good at raising people's hit counts
Liked it too , though .
patterjack |
So that's how you do it!
Written by Veronica_Milvus (710 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 |
You have sold your soul to the Devil, hence you can write in such fiendish forms! I have previously not heard of Troubadoric but I can see how it works and it looks tricky. You have woven some great lines in. I really liked the "carnal currency" and in particular, "her eyes reflecting skies upon a sea / cast a storm that I could not withstand". A wonderful love poem, and the narrator is obviously feeling rather reckless.
I notice from his / her review that our friend Katanga has had a sex change recently. And he / she is whooshing rather than weeping, which is nice.
I loved this one too. Powerful stuff. |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1054 comments posted) 3rd June 2008 |
Ah, another piece about dancing with the devil and the unforgettable maiden. Your poems would make historical romance writers salivate! The alpha-beta-gamma male in your pieces hit that exact note of reckless courage, charisma and deep unending torment required of the hero.
This piece conjures up for me the image of a medieval warrior or knight who committed a fatally mortal sin, and in need of redemption. And only one woman can save his soul from perdition! And she is denied to him by unscalable obstacles, eg. witches, magic, vows etc etc. (Actually this piece is less tormented and less disturbing than your other pieces.)
I think your poems would make really good prologues for historical romances! (Don't know if this piece is medieval????)
Mia  |
Written by Turquoise-Tangerine (120 comments posted) 4th June 2008 |
Nothing more I can add to the above.
Nice one, mate.
Turk |
Wow
Written by punchy (504 comments posted) 4th June 2008 |
| I go away and return to Gw after my holiday and what a stunning piece I find as my first read. This is jaw droppingly good, made my pimples goose x |
Written by Phil (6851 comments posted) 4th June 2008 |
I can't work out from the last line whether he's saved or not. No matter really. Veronica picked out my favourite lines: 'carnal currency' and 'reflecting skies upon a sea.'
I really like this - the loose narrative getting tighter as it becomes more personal - the slight mystery at the end. Unusual for a poem of this type, that beauty (and its power) is less described by direct words and more in comparison to what has gone before and its effect upon the narrator. Effective too. (Although the line quoted above is excellent.)
As for form - is it some kind of self abuse pattern you can't break out of?  You have chosen some very difficult looking patterns before. I reckon this one isn't quite as complex - but probably just as hard to do well.
Enjoyed very much.
Phil |
Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 5th June 2008 |
You little devil!
This is well handled, as we've come to expect.
There's a few lines I particularly like, I think the third stanza is the strongest, (closely followed by the fifth) 'carnal currency' is wonderful. I'm a little unsure about the last line of that stanza though:
'where purer saw more in a grain of sand.' Feels slightly awkward, for me.
Also, the final two lines
'She forged a heart for me via alchemy,
but my soul is flamed by Satan's brand.'
The punch is slightly lost through that rhyme of 'me' and 'alchemy'.
Other than those few gripes, I thought the handling of the rhyme was excellent.
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Thanks to everyone
Written by Brett (889 comments posted) 5th June 2008 |
kind enough to comment:
patterjack - appreciate the pm, but especially the extra hits.
Tolstoy - thanks for your ecstatcic review.
V - all I got for my soul was a pint of Guinness and a large Macallan. But you should see her eyes! ps - I think you may be right about Tolstoy, but I was never sure what sex it was to begin with!
Mia - thank you for your very kind words - medievial? I don't rightly know, just know that it isn't this age!
Turk - Cheers for your succinct opinion.
Paula - Pleased you liked this. Apologies for goosing your pimples!
Phil - Thank you. As lucid as ever. Regarding form (whilst trying to ignore self abuse) I just find myself drawn to trying all I can. A challenge or therapy I'm not sure, and not many others seem to so it seems a shame to me that there are so many forms available for writers and they are being ignored. Might be some perverse masochism involved, too, I suspect.
Nathan - Thanks. I think you were right regarding the penultimate line, I have made a change, thanks for that.
As for 'Where purer saw more in a grain of sand' that's just a feeble nod to William Blake.
Cheers
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