Still not quite happy with this, but I'd better post it before you all lose track.
To recap:
Bradley has been taken ill in the local park after an intense night of passion with Natasha. Her ex, Giles, was arrested for armed robbery when she shopped him to the police.
SCENE 1
Int Day. Hospital ward.
NATASHA enters a side room where BRADLEY is lying in bed. He has the electrodes from a heart monitor stuck to his chest and a drip attached to his arm. He is in a state of delirium.
NATASHA
Oh my poor old Bradley.
BRADLEY
Linda!
NATASHA
Not Linda. Natasha.
BRADLEY
Who?
NATASHA
Natasha. Your new girlfriend.
BRADLEY
Where's Linda?
NATASHA
I'm your girlfriend now, not Linda. You finished with her.
BRADLEY
So who are you?
NATASHA
Natasha.
BRADLEY
Naa-taa-shaa?
NATASHA
Yes. Remember? I almost shagged you to death.
BRADLEY
Oh. So you're my girlfriend.
NATASHA
(Exasperated)
Yes!
BRADLEY
So when we gonna rob the bank then?
NATASHA
What?
BRADLEY
The bank. Me'n Linda are skint.
NATASHA
Not Linda. It's "me and Natasha". And yes, we are rather impecunious
BRADLEY
We gonna rob the bank?
NATASHA
Well, yes... if you like. When you're better. Or we could do the casino. Anyway, we'll need someone to help us.
BRADLEY
You, me an' Linda?
NATASHA
No! Not Linda. But I know someone else we could use.
Fade out.
SCENE 2
Int. Day.
Split screen. On the left Giles is at the police station on the phone to NATASHA. On the right NATASHA is in her flat using her mobile.
GILES
They're pressing charges. Armed robbery.
NATASHA
(Tearfully)
Oh you poor little lambkins. I'm so sorry.
GILES
That's alright Sugarbum. I'll manage.
NATASHA
I'll get you out of here. I'll have a word with the governor. I can be very persuasive.
Fade out.
SCENE 3
Int. day. Police Station store room, in a space between two rows of boxes.
STAMP
(Hesitantly)
ER, remove your blouse, er, immediately.
NATASHA
Come on Inspector Stamp, put a bit more life into it! Nobody's looking.
STAMP
(More forcefully)
Remove your top or you're dead!
NATASHA
No, please don't kill me Herr Stamp.
STAMP
Then you must submit to my wishes.
STAMP rips her blouse off and she collapses in a fit of giggles. STAMP looks nonplussed.
NATASHA
(Looking up)
See that camera Herr Stamp? It's been recording everything. This will look like an attempted rape.
STAMP
But I... No it won't.
NATASHA
I have connections. I can get access the film and edit it. I can make it look very convincing.
STAMP
This is outrageous!
NATASHA
I'm surprised at you. You should know where your cameras are.
STAMP
I'm innocent. They won't convict me.
NATASHA
But think of your career, Mein Fuhrer. I could still do a lot of damage.
STAMP
Please! What do you want? This is blackmail isn't it?
NATASHA
Lets just say one favour deserves another. I want you to release Giles Winkleman.
STAMP
What, your ex?
NATASHA
Yes.
STAMP
Er, why?
NATASHA
I have my reasons. Business reasons.
STAMP
But I can't. It's against all procedures.
NATASHA
I'm sure you'll find a way.
[Beat]
(Menacingly, pointing to the camera)
Or else.
Fade out.
To be continued...
|
Written by coosh (851 comments posted) 5th June 2008 | | The exchanges come across well in these pieces, although I still feel there needs to be more substance, if that's the right word. A clearer definition or context. I can see Natasha hooked with Bradley, and with Giles, but it's difficult to get any real overview. For example, when Natasha says "we are skint" (and maybe character-wise, if I read her correctly, she might use a posher expression - unless she's an all-out fake who forgets herself at times), maybe she could produce a Louis Vuitton handbag, or some such visual evidence making her motivations clearer (or apparently clearer). Where is the money going, or is she just doing this purely for kicks? You certainly have a rich and very effective vocabulary in "Sugarbum"-type terms. A little sketchy here and there, but easy to read in terms of dialogue, and easy to visualise - is her father a minister at the Home Office by any chance? |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 6th June 2008 | Thanks Coosh. This is my first real attempt at an extended piece and this is all new to me, so I probably haven't approached it in the best way. That's a good point you made about her use of the word 'skint'. Will look into the idea of using visual evidence of her motivations. There'll be more about her father in the next episode.
Cheers,
Ben |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 6th June 2008 | I think this is continuing well.
I like the beginning where he forgets her name, it motored along very well, though I think you could have milked it for a few more jokes or one-liners
Natasha is certainly a busy girl and is the one who is driving the story. She is oddly sympathetic but not very likeable, which is intriguing.
There is a bit of a problem with her and the others, of motivation and character development. We don’t know why they are driven to do this. There is also not much subtext to the dialogue so it’s hard to know what they really mean.
thought scene 3 needed more setting up. Suddenly she is there with Stamp without any set-up I thought she had just gone to the station to visit Giles and I’m not sure why those two are suddenly role-playing sexy games and she get him in a comprising situation. He is one really dumb policeman!!
As Coosh says the dialogue is fast and lively with some great expressions.
It’s moving along well but it is all on the surface it needs a bit of subtext and context as the story progresses
Keep going.
Cheers
jane
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Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 7th June 2008 | Thanks for your review, Jane.
Seems like I've got a few things to work on. I've made a couple of minor changes by adding a reference to her gambling habit and changing the word 'skint'. Subtext is something I'll have to look into generally - probably not my strong point at the moment.
Ben |
Written by Bottleblondesurfer (3331 comments posted) 7th June 2008 | Subtext is a tricky thing to add and is just the icing on the cake.It's what the actors actually act so it doesn't come across well in the script. I think the context is probably more important as it helps to orientate the reader in the work.
Good luck with it,Ben, I think you have created some strong characters, just need to let them off the leash, and the dialogue sounds fine
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Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 8th June 2008 | | Thanks again Jane. I'll have another think about the context. Cheers. |
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