I'm looking for honest crit/opinions [which I know I won't get from my OH!!] regarding the lyrics of this "Country & Western style" carol which I'm entering for a local radio challenge. I think the melody's quite catchy - but I would say that, anyway, wouldn't I??
A Country Carol
1. See the snow is gently falling
See the cradle in the stall
See the baby boy who's born to be
The Saviour of us all
See the shepherds on the hillsides
For whom the angels sing
See the kings who come from lands afar
Their precious gifts to bring
Lord God, Lamb of God, hear us as we pray
Let our words reach out to you this blessed Christmas Day
1. See the snow is gently falling
See the cradle in the stall
See the baby boy who's born to be
The Saviour of us all
See the shepherds on the hillsides
For whom the angels sing
See the kings who come from lands afar
Their precious gifts to bring
Lord God, Lamb of God, hear us as we pray
Let our words reach out to you this blessed Christmas Day
2. All around the heavenly choir
Fills the air with songs of love
Let the music take me higher
Closer to Heav'n above
All the world is waiting now
To hear a song of peace:
"Goodwill henceforth from God to Man
Begin and never cease"
Lord God, Lamb of God, hear me as I play
Let my words sing out your praise this blessed Christmas Day
3. See the wondrous love in ev'ry child
Who visits you today
Jesus, Lord, so meek and mild
Be with them as they play
Help us all to understand
The message loud and clear
The special celebration
Of this holy time of year
Lord God, Lamb of God, never let me stray
Walk with me, sing with me this blessed Christmas Day
(rpt refrain)
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Written by jean.day (2208 comments posted) 6th December 2005 |
I think it is a lovely gentle carol and I particularly like the refrain.
It is hard to get the full picture without the melody. But just singing the thing through in my head with a melody that would fit the lyrics, I have a few suggestions, which might or might not work - depending on your melody.
You did ask!
Just a few words changed - without effecting the meaning
but I think the rhythym is less strained.
See the snow is gently falling
See the cradle in the stall
See the baby who is born to
Be the Saviour of us all
See the shepherds on the hillsides
For (2 syl) whom the angels sing
See the kings who come from far lands
Their (2syl) precious gifts to bring.
All around the heavenly choir
Fills the air with songs of love
Let me take the music higher
Closer (3 syl) to Heav'n above
All the world is waiting now
To (2 syl) hear a song of praise
Good (2 syl) will from God to Mankind
Begin (3syl) and never cease.
See the wondrous love in each child
Who( 2syl) visits you today
Jesus Lord so meek and mild
Be(2 syl) with them as they play
Help us all to understand it
The (2 syl) message loud and clear
The (2 syl) special celebration
Of this holy time of year
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Curious, that ... !
Written by Bagheera (679 comments posted) 6th December 2005 |
Each of the lines you've suggested alternative lyrics, I've also pencilled identical "second options" myself!
The melody I've written to accompany the words is an upbeat 4/4 C&W sound and can be adapted to fit either/both sets of words. Thanks for your input - I have a few days (until 12 Dec) to decide which works best overall before I make a demo tape for the radio station!  |
Written by Alice (64 comments posted) 11th December 2005 |
Without having the melody to listen to as well, it's difficult, but as a poem it reads well. Although I think I have to agree with Jean about the word changes, it seems to flow better with them.
I like this as a poem.
Good luck with your project, i.e., hope you win.
Alice
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Written by Edward_Anthony (6 comments posted) 12th December 2005 |
I love this poem and hope you win by a mile. It really is catchy. Nice to see some real Christmas talent is still around hey?
All the best.
Edward Anthony |
Thanks!
Written by Bagheera (679 comments posted) 12th December 2005 |
I played this tonight for a writing group I go to at Liverpool Uni. They liked it, but the demo tape I sent to the local radio station was only self-accompanied guitar & voice, without the benefit of blue-grass fiddles and a honky-tonk piano in the background - there's a limit to how many 'tracks' I can run through my PC, though I'm sure that someone who's less of a 'dinosaur/idiot/fumblefingers (choose your own insult!) could do a lot better than me!
Will let you know if there's any followup or crit from Auntie Beeb (Radio Merseyside) ... |
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