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By Bluegirl
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06 December 2005 |
The sun is rising slowly, burning red and orange between a landscape of steel and glass. New York in the spring; my favourite place in the world. My favourite time too, early morning, and just as the city is starting to stir. I clutch the glass to my chest, the last few drops of tequila in the bottom glowing in the half-light. It's been a long night, but worth it for these few moments of bliss. I would give anything to live these few precious minutes forever. There will never be a moment more perfect than this. Silently I turn to face the room. Golden fingers of sunlight pick their way across the floor, bathing their obstacles in a warming glow. I follow their path with my eyes, my gaze finally falling upon the figure lying on the bed. His rhythmic breathing allows me my time to memorise his face without fear of discovery. I want to remember everything, so when I'm alone later, I can take out the memories, one by one, polish them, and smooth away the cracks, 'til I'm left with what should have been. No baggage, no Jack Daniels, no psycho ex-wife. Just him, me and New York in the spring. The sun rests on the top of the building opposite; my cue to leave. Placing the empty glass on the table next to my keys I steal one last glance at him before I walk out of the door for the last time. |
Written by Ryan (1 comments posted) 6th December 2005 | Short and sweet. I really like the description: a lot of the time writers will either over or underdo the description, but I found that yours was right on the dot. Another thing that pleased me is that you actually check your spelling! There were only two small mistakes: you capitalized the "s" on "spring" and you wrote "til" instead of 'till (or until). However, since I'm one of the very few on the internet who seem to actually care about spelling, I don't think you have much to worry about. On a grammatical level (yes, I know I'm ridiculous), I'm not sure if "allows me my time[...]" is exactly the right wording. Maybe more like "allows me time". All that being said, I have one question about the story: is it a one night stand, or a 'spring fling'? You point out that it is the last time that the protagonist will walk out the door, giving us the sense that you have walked out that door many times before (or at least a few times), but then you say that you want to "smooth away the cracks so you will be left with a memery of you, him and a spring morning in New York". The "a" infers that it was a single morning. Maybe I somehow am mistaken or have overlooked something, but if not and there actually is a mistake I hope it is of help to you. Despite my ludicrous amount of criticism for tiny details, I really did like the story. It is very well written. Good luck on future stories. | Hi, Ryan! Written by Bagheera (685 comments posted) 7th December 2005 | Despite my 'moniker' I'm not as "picky" over spelligns as might be hinted! Having said that I fully approve of your use of the (correct!) UK spelling of 'favourite' even though the story is set in the US town of NY. Who said pedantry was dead? Nice to hear one of my favourite (sic!") Eagles numbers playing as I read your posting ... keep it up, and thanks for the memories! | oops! apologies owed ....! Written by Bagheera (685 comments posted) 7th December 2005 | Sorry, Bluegirl: (AND Ryan!) Don't know how it happened, Ryan's name came into my 'box' as the author of "Tequila Sunrise" ... comments still valid, I hoope no offence taken as none was intended!! | Brilliant! Written by Jimmy15 (12 comments posted) 7th December 2005 | I think this is a fine piece of writing. You clearly have a knack for capturing a moment, which leaves me somewhat envious! The description is fantastic and it reads well. Thanks for the inspiration, and keep them coming! |
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