Don't really want to say anything about this before you read it.
Hope you like.

Revised: 06/06/2008 He was unsure of how long it had been by the time he came too. A blink of a light was the first thing that alerted him, that and a cold wet feeling at the back of his head. James Mackenzie was 21, it had been his birthday, perhaps still was, and the night had been a riot of drink, music and the company of friends. Yet now in a semi-conscious state all he could ponder was if he was alive or dead.
Slowly trying to turn, he suddenly became aware of a terrible pounding in his head, and a feeling like his skull was dented, with the wet feeling sending shivers through his body.
Thinking for a moment, he recalled the journey home, how Peter, his old high-school buddy was passed-out beside him, and Peter's elder brother Bryan was driving - too fast. Bryan hadn't been drinking, but there had been a lot of frivolity in the car to make James nervous - he was always nervous when in a car driving at night, but this was different; it was like he had sensed something.
James couldn't recall quite what had happed though, it was a blank, but he remembered car headlights blinding him as his last memory - had there been a collision? Was he part of a crash? The reality began to spill into his mind just like whatever was spilling out of it, and his eyes focused to see the gravel of the road coated in tiny pieces of broken glass. That's when he realised he was upside down, with the cold night air blowing against his chin and neck where his shirt collar lay open.
James groaned, "Is...is everyone ok?" he slurred, not really sure if he was audible. He wasn't even sure if he had spoken the words out loud.
Again the blink of a light caught his gaze, coming from a distance away...a street lamp maybe? Or was it another car? Then after a moment of silence that felt like an eternity, there was a crunch of gravel & glass, footsteps that gradually grew louder, and James saw a pair of stiletto heeled shoes, bare flesh and an ankle bracelet - someone was standing by the car, a lady or at the very least a cross-dresser. He tried to look down rather than up to see who it was. The smell of the night was stale, but as that someone knelt down it was replaced with perfume.
A woman in her twenties wearing a cocktail dress looked down at him, her forehead crimson and a trail of blood ran down her left cheek. She looked shaken, but was obviously in a more able state than James was, at least from his immediate figuring.
"Hello...can you here me?" the woman shouted, then reached a hand in, and James felt her fingers wrap around his own hand that he hadn't even been aware was in the position it was, lying lifelessly half out of the car window.
He struggled, but could not move his hand to grasp hers back - her company instant warmth to him, even if it was to be his last. He naturally feared the worst.
"Listen to me. There's been an accident. Your car hit mine, and you went over. I hit the fence."
James began to realise that the blinking light was a distant car indicator. The girl's face didn't shift from his eyes though, and he didn't want it to either.
The woman then looked away, keeping James' hand in her own, "I need some help here!" she yelled.
After a moment several other figures began to come into view, a middle aged man and woman, along with a young boy. They looked un-hurt. James still tried to keep his eyes on the woman, but she was looking away.
"This one's still alive." she said - it was four words that shook James to his very core - did that mean his friends were dead?
"I've called an ambulance." the man returned, approaching, and leaned on the car, peering in, "You're going to be ok, son."
The word ‘son' made James think of his father. The same man who had warned him ‘not to drink too much'. James wasn't drunk as such, at least not paralytic. Strange choice of words really, considering he wasn't sure of his injuries yet. He then thought about moving his feet...he could wiggle his toes.
"I think it's just....just my head and arm." he groaned.
Briefly the woman let go of his hand, and placed her own on the gravel right before him.
"Hey Miss...are you ok? We should get that head looked at." the man commented.
The woman was silent of speech, but James could hear her breathing. She seemed to have gone unsteady, and he suddenly feared for her. He opened and closed his eyes as his vision strugglred to stay focused on her.
"Hey, are you ok?" he asked.
Then suddenly, the woman collapsed beside the car, and James gasped to see her head slump to the road a little distance from his own. Her eyes were closed.
"Help her!" he yelled, unable to do anything but watch this angel that had suddenly seemed to be his saviour, look in a worse state than he was - at least he was conscious.
The middle aged woman knelt beside the woman who had collapsed, and tried to revive her with a hand to her shoulder, but she didn't move - she didn't even seem to be breathing, and the ever seeping wound to her head looked like the culprit.
Then there was a siren and a flash of lights that grew both closer and brighter. There was a sound of an engine and doors opening and shutting, then mingled footsteps, and finally a stretcher was laid down beside the car.
A paramedic that knelt down peered in at James, "Hang in there son, there's a fire engine on its way here, we're probably gonna have to cut you out of this thing.' he said louder and with more assertiveness than the others.
James couldn't think of anything but the girl and if she was ok.
"Just help her." he said quietly and gradually other paramedics, and what may or may not have been a policeman filled James' viewpoint, darkening everything, but was it the people or was he passing out?
"Shit, we're losing this one! Where's that damn fire engine!" someone shouted, and James wasn't sure if they were on about him, or the woman.
*
James woke up to see a ceiling fan rotating above him, its gentle movement soothing. He slowly became aware that he was lying in a bed, and ran a hand under the covers across the soft mattress. He sighed, and licked his lips, thirsty. The room was bright, much brighter than his eyes could stand, and he closed them again. His body was aching from head to toe, and for a second he wasn't sure if he could properly move. He wiggled his toes again, and it made him smile. He tried the same with his other hand, only to find it hoisted up to his neck, held in a sling.
"James?" then came a voice - and not one particularly familiar. He thought for a moment who it might be, and it wasn't his mother, or even his sister.
He slowly opened his eyes again, and something touched the shape of his good arm through the covers.
"James?" came the voice again, then as it spoke some more, he recognised it the same as he recognised the face as he turned his head.
"My god. You're awake." said the woman from the crash - a bandage covering her head, and she looked rather pale. She was sitting wearing a hospital gown.
"Where am I?" James groaned, words still a struggle.
"The hospital. It's been two days since the accident. The doctors thought you may have slipped into a coma."
She had a beautiful face, deep brown eyes that matched her dark hair, and full lips. She looked probably a shadow of her former self, however that might look, and the cocktail dress was more than likely hung up somewhere in her room or a cupboard on whatever ward she had been put on. At least she was alive. James didn't know this woman, had not even seen her before that he could recall, but now she suddenly meant everything to him. A chance encounter.
"The accident..." she then said, but James stopped her from continuing, unable to face the truth just yet...he just wanted to preserve the moment in time and hold it close to himself.
"Just hold my hand again." he said, bringing his hand out from under the covers, and slowly she reached to it and took it in her own, squeezing it tightly.
The woman sighed heavily, her eyes wide, a look of sorrow to them. It told him more than she needed to say at that point. He just stared at her, lost in her beauty, the reality of his situation playing a close second - for now.
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Written by mia_ms_kim (1019 comments posted) 5th June 2008 |
This read very well, felt very real. Liked it very much. Some things I noticed. - Your MC's name seems to change from James, to Jason back to James. - comma before the closing quote. "Just hold my hand again," he said... Mia |
Written by Emmuttmax (173 comments posted) 5th June 2008 |
There is a whole lot that is good about this piece. Your narrative is strong, and the pacing excellent. Where the piece falls short is in the author's sloppiness--not proofreading the work. There are several misspelled words. Example: "This ones still alive." It should read "This one's still alive." For me, the ending fell flat. It was the weakest part of the story, and the last line should have ended at replied. No adverb needed. All in all, a strong effort.
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*glomps the s.s* Written by Thievesfire (77 comments posted) 7th June 2008 |
I quite liked this. I'm not lying to you it's not the sort of thing I'd normally read. But the way you've written it is very well done. I'm not sure the about the last line. It's not the best ending ever BUT the concept was good ^^ That's my only real criticism however ^^ Spooks XX |
Thankyou. Written by creaigtherave (26 comments posted) 7th June 2008 |
Thanks for the feedback, Mia, Emmuttmax, Spooks... I just kinda came up with this spur of the moment. I had a single image in my head before hand of the high heels and the viewpoint of the car-crash survivor. I see the ending as simply 'lets not say anymore, lets just stay in the moment' and in a way, whatever the outcome, they have connected with each other. That makes me smile. Regards, Craig |
hi Written by littledom2008 (95 comments posted) 7th June 2008 |
This was well done I can't really add anything constructive to what has been said so I'll just say well done. D.C |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 9th June 2008 |
Really enjoyed the story. Some great descriptions and nicely paced narrative, though I'm not sure about the ending. The last line seems superflous, if you removed that it would be better. One thing I found distracting was I wanted to know what happened to the other occupants. After the crash they din't get a mention. Perhaps the woman could react to them in some way, or you could make James the lone driver. Cheers, Ben |
Written by Livinginanattic (456 comments posted) 9th June 2008 |
| Looking at this again, I see James asked if everyone was ok in the hospital scene at the start, but I still think you could mention them in the crash scene. |
Written by creaigtherave (26 comments posted) 9th June 2008 |
Well taken a brief look at the ending. I decided to keep much of the details to the readers imagination...its solely James viewpont, explaining why what happened to his friends is unclear, especially in the crash segment - he passes out before he can know...but things are mentioned, that give a hint, such as: 'this ones still alive' At the hospital, he is reluctant to hear the details, and just wants to savour the moment with the woman. Afterall, he already kinda knows anyway. Its a tragic story, so I chose to focus on James connecting with the woman, as a lighter way of ending things. Like something good might have come out of it all. |
Written by Leigh (226 comments posted) 9th June 2008 |
A very dramatic and well written piece. I like the way James draws comfort from this woman, and the hint they may grow closer in the future. As somebody else said, I would like to know more about the fate of the other crash victims. Or perhaps, as they seem ultimately irrelevant to the story, you could do away with them all together and make James the sole person in the car. |
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