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Poetry
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Muted
By CharlieDee
05 June 2008

I’ll wait for you
In the quiet darkness
Of this hideaway,
Calling to you softly
Under my breath.

Through the muted green
Fronds of the swaying trees,
I catch your movements,
Tinted by the moon’s light.
My heart skips a beat

As the jasmine weaves its scent
Through the air between us,
Pulling us closer
Till our lips meet
And my darkness fades.


Reviews

Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 5th June 2008
A lovely love poem Charlie Dee and I hope the person you were waiting for wasn't taken by surprise by someone waiting in the bushes. I liked your phrase "As the jasmine weaves its scent through the air between us". You have some lovely imagery here. Well done!

Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 5th June 2008
Welcome to GW, Charlie. 
 
I liked lots of this and it initially wove a very peaceful spell. Line 10 broke that. For me, it's a little out of place - perhaps because it's an over used phrase, whereas what went before was fresh. Once the spell was broken it was hard to tune back in. 
 
I really did like the first nine lines. 
 
Phil.

Written by CharlieDee (8 comments posted) 5th June 2008
Thank you for your comments. Posting my poetry is a first for me and I was quite nervous... but it's actually very nice to get constructive feedback - thanks!

Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 5th June 2008
Beautiful. Especially loved the last line - a hint of redemption through love. 
 
Mia 8)
Jasmine in the Air!
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 5th June 2008
Yes - I really think this has something special. 
 
I echo Josie in her praise for those lines . . . 
 
However, I also agree with Phil - line ten could do with modifying, as it's too cliched as it stands. 
 
Looking forward to more from you! 
 
Cheers! 
 
John
Avoiding the trap!
Written by CharlieDee (8 comments posted) 6th June 2008
Thank you for all your comments - they are very much appreciated! Yes I am starting to agree with you about that 10th line... what can I say, despite my efforts, sometimes I can't help falling into that cliché trap! John.. I will try and post some more... Really like your children's stuff by the way :)
How about . . . ?
Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 13th June 2008
Okay, Charlie, it's YOUR poem and I love it, but how about: 
 
 
Line 10: 
 
'My heart waits.' (or possibly 'beats'?) 
 
Just a thought? It has a nice internal rhyme with 'hideaway' and 'swaying'. 
 
And echoes your first line ; 'I'll wait for you', without being clumsily repetitious . . . 
 
And it signifies a beautiful, though anxious, calm before your wonderful next line: 
 
'As the jasmine weaves its scent . . . .'  
 
Have a ponder and do let me know what you think! 
 
Cheers! 
 
John X 
Excellent
Written by Dolbster (2 comments posted) 25th September 2008
Good use of imagery and the poem flowed beautifully. 
:grin

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