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Lest We Forget - Part One

By Goddess

07 June 2008

The beginning of a longer piece set in 2047

FRANCE. PARIS. BRITISH HEADQUARTERS. (MIDDAY 7^th AUGUST 2047)

‘I tell you again and again but you never listen.’

Brown eyes hidden under thick black eyebrows observed the room seriously. Fingernails tapped impatiently onto the solid wood of the table, a deep shining brown colour after polishing but now dusty with age and neglect. Another was searching his face, watching his forehead, crinkled in disappointment and his lips pursed tightly awaiting an explanation to what he had put forward as ‘unacceptable behaviour’. He was a large man though the girl sat before him wasn’t afraid of him. He was like a puppy through those hard deceiving eyes and dense frown.

‘Well, North? Are you going to explain or are you just going to sit there smirking?’

North looked at him innocently, blue eyes accompanied with fluttering eyelashes. She was only a moment ago removing dirt from a fingernail and smiled at him silently.

‘North, you must respect your superiors... and the verbal insults you shot at that French man was unsuitable and immature.’ Silence.

‘Answer me, North. Are you actual listening to a word that’s coming out of my mouth?’

‘Well, sir...’ North began innocently. ‘He started it...’ Her Superior glowered at her for a moment then rose from his chair, the leather squeaking with relief. The girl – or young woman if you were to be precise - looked about twenty in age. She played with her identity tag absently, grinning at him.

‘This is my last warning, North.’ He growled rubbing his temples in aggravation. ‘I MEAN my last warning. Is that clear?’

‘Of course.’ North replied lightly. He groaned at her sceptically.

‘What am I going to do with you, North?’ She smiled another time also rising for her seat. He was red with suppressed anger as she stepped gracefully towards the door. ‘Woman or not, North, one more slip-up and I’ll have your guts for garters.’ She frowned then saluted mockingly.

‘Yes, Sir.’ Then her smirk returned. ‘Don’t forget to keep my seat warm for my next visit, Sir. It was ever so cold today.’ Quickly and cunningly North slipped out of the room and down the hall after hearing his long irritated sigh. She stepped out into the November rain, covering her head with a watebrella and pulling the coat above her chin for warmth. North’s high healed shoes clicked against the stone pavement as she neared a good hotel. After moving inside she strode into the reception, closing up the watebrella as the water evaporated out of sight.

‘North. I left my key with you while I was out.’

‘Yes.’ North was handed her room key and resided to her room, empty as her bags were packed ready for her next assignment. As the woman thought about this the phone rang. She stared at it before picking it up.

‘Yes. I got your message…. Where…. Uh-huh…. Yep. Gotcha.. . .. No, I understand that…. I’ll meet you in the port. Yes. No…. Ok see you then.’ She slammed down the phone, collecting baggage and heading towards the door. ‘Could you call me a taxi?’ Before the woman could answer North headed back out in the rain, opening an envelope slowly and cautiously.

Reviews

Hey
Written by littledom2008 (95 comments posted) 7th June 2008

Ok this is quite interesting and quite easy to follow but I noticed a few typos here and there.I can't really say much on the story as not much to work with but I think the section between her and her superior could be smoother. That said you have now caught my attention and I'd like to see more.

D.C

Written by Turquoise-Tangerine (223 comments posted) 7th June 2008

Hello.

I started to read this but got a little confused about who was speaking and when.
I also feel that you could tidy this up big time with better punctuation and grammar.
I managed to work out that there are two people in the room: North; a woman, and her superior; male, but things could be made much clearer.
Here's a quick explanation of what I mean.

‘I tell you again and again but you never listen.’ (Who said that?)

Brown eyes hidden under thick black eyebrows observed the room seriously. Fingernails tapped impatiently onto the solid wood of the table, a deep shining brown colour after polishing but now dusty with age and neglect.
Another was searching his face.... (We've got no character profiles at this point, so whose eyes are brown? Who is tapping? Another "what" was searching his face?

‘I tell you again and again but you never listen,' said North.
Hidden under thick black eyebrows, her superior's brown eyes observed the room seriously; fingernails tapping impatiently on a solid wooden table that was a deep shining brown colour when polishing yet now was dusty with age and neglect.'

‘Well, North? Are you going to explain or are you just going to sit there smirking?’ Are you saying; "Are you well, North?" or is the ? in the wrong place.
‘Well, North - are you going to offer an explanation or are you just going to sit there smirking?’

'North looked at him innocently, blue eyes accompanied with fluttering eyelashes. She was only a moment ago removing dirt from a fingernail and smiled at him silently.'

The grammar in this section could be tidied up quite a lot. Also, when is a smile vocal?

North - who only moments earlier had been cleaning the dirt from under a nail - looked at him innocently; her blue eyes partially hidden behind fluttering eyelashes. She smiled.

Hopefully this will help a little,
Turk.

Turk
Written by Goddess (124 comments posted) 7th June 2008

Thanks so much for your comments. It was a lot of help. Unfortunately this piece is fairly old probably does need some polishing and I'll definately take a look at the grammar and wording.

Thank you

Goddess x

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