|
By Katanga
|
|
10 June 2008 |
One for bedtime . . .
Maudlin or what?
Comments, good or bad, really welcome!
Cheers All!
John X
You and I
I looked up to a moonless sky,
God knows how I felt –
my mind was wandering off up there,
tied up by Orion’s Belt.
Then something broke my reverie –
the tinkling collar of a cat
that wandered through our garden
and made me realise that
no matter how loud the Angels call
and beckon me to their skies
I will always love you –
you with your starlit eyes.
|
Some inspired bits
Written by rickxvi (7 comments posted) 9th June 2008 | | There are only a couple of things I thought jarred the rhythm, but like I say there are one or two inspired lines, The mind wandering on Orion's belt is excellent, although I would make the fourth line of the first and third staza a syllable shorter, to make the rhythm more consistant, for example: tied up by orion's belt. I think perhaps Tied to orion's belt would be snappier, and in the final line your is somewhat unnecessary, if you put you with starlit eyes it would make the structure a little less rigid, as the second stanza's finishing line could carry the extra syllable as a marker. However, overall it was fairly enjoyable, however I found the angels a little cliche'd, but I suppose I'm just jaded on that note. | Spelling correction
Written by rickxvi (7 comments posted) 9th June 2008 | | My own foolishness... Stanza... there, I said it. |
Written by Canadian_Bacon (110 comments posted) 10th June 2008 | I have to say, I disagree with a lot of what rickxvi said above.
I'm not one for poetic form and syllable patterns (why I don't write poetry), so I dare not try to challenge his gripes about the first stanza, 4th line. However, following his suggested replacement line would destroy the belt metaphor in my opinion. And I quite liked the belt metaphor, lol.
As for the last line, don't you dare change it. I won't say anything more, but if you change it I will.
Sadly, I must agree about the cliche angels. I'm not a fan of God and Angel references in general.
But it's still a great poem as we've all come to expect from you. I leave this poem satisfied as always!
-Mike | Edit, Mike?
Written by Katanga (1163 comments posted) 10th June 2008 | Hi Mike!
Thank you enormously for this review!
I was pleased to get Rick's review above, as he's clearly put thought into it, which counts for a lot, and he has a point.
I must say my confidence wobbled a bit and I've been wavering about editing accordingly.
However, you have strengthened my resolve, and I shall leave it as it is.
I'm not a great fan of God and Angels stuff either, being a bit of a Dork myself (more inclined towards Richard Dawkins).
I'm actually alluding to something else on the site, which I won't go into here.
Might pm you on this later this evening . . .
Cheers!
John |
Only registered users can rate and write comments.
Please login or register. Powered by AkoComment 2.0! |
Previous item
