Yeah...a poem. Feel free to comment/critique.
I fill my empty words
like jars of jelly
or catch them like
leaking raindrops
from the rafters
I put masks on the sounds
of a reconstructed love
and build our wooden whispers
back up to working order –
to subtle singing structures
of marble and chrome
But the foundations have been
washed away
from how I feel for you
and left behind are only
Stilts
bent against the wind and sea
When I come home again
we’ll shore them up with clay –
we’ll put down buckets
beneath the tearstained roof
and kiss and laugh together
as if the ruins around us have
grown whole –
restored to their former grandeur
You’ll hold me up tonight
but both of us will fall
when the old wood snaps
the memory of your touch
and my words crumble
in on themselves
And I lose you
to the tides of
too far away
As they wash up against these
useless wooden legs
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Written by Bottleblondesurfer (5077 comments posted) 10th June 2008 |
A quirky little poem. I thought it read well but there were too many conflicting metaphors which I struggled to understand cheers jane |
Written by Josie (4035 comments posted) 10th June 2008 |
I have to say that I agree with Bottleblondesurfer above. For example, perhaps you could explain: What is "reconstructed love", and also "wooden whispers" ? the other thing was: "I fill my empty words like jars of jelly." Have you actually seen jars of jelly? I haven't. The poem seems to imply that there is not very much worth fighting for in this relationship. Is that true? Love has to be deeper than a jar of jelly I would think. I find it difficult getting to grips with unstructured poetry - but that is because I like metre in my poems. |
Written by mucalatte (1 comments posted) 10th June 2008 |
The poem's about the disintegration of a long-distance relationship--sorry if that was unclear. I'm not much on poetry to tell the truth, I only do it when I don't have enough time for prose (which is often), but I'm not really sure what the conflicting metaphors are. There's really only one: an old falling-apart house to symbolize the collapse of love. Thanks for your comments. |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1057 comments posted) 10th June 2008 |
I found the metaphors used in this piece very interesting. (I think this must be your writing style?) The implication I read in it was, that this relationship was at one time real and true however precarious, ie. 'leaking raindrops' and 'tearstained roof', but it had in it more unreal and false elements that in the end it could not hold up? ie. 'reconstructed love', 'marble and chrome' and 'former grandeur' etc. I found it very interesting despite the ambiguity. Mia |
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