This is the first chapter to a story that I've been working on for quite some time now. I'm new to this site so I'm not exactly sure how everything works. I would, however, really appreciate it if you could read and review my work. Thank you so much for taking the time to do so! Chapter One
The Dream
Kylie Banks had never been the type of girl that enjoyed putting herself out there. Most of her seventeen-year-old life had been spent striving to be exactly who she thought she was. Someone, who she still hadn’t seemed to find. As the Rolling Stones hit single “Jumping Jack Flash” steadily grew louder and louder, she realized what else she couldn’t find was the snooze button. Smothering her head with a pillow, she attempted to block out the noise. Her flopping hand somehow managed to grasp the machine and slam down on the precious button. Without much effort, she drifted back into a silent sleep.
She didn’t realize she was dreaming until he appeared.
Tall, lean and powerfully built, his dark russet hair was of medium length. Falling just above his shoulders, silky wisps of it painted shadows over his eyes. Green eyes, she noted, nearly emerald as the crescent moon directed its iridescent light upon them. Clothed entirely in black, he wore a snug fitting hooded sweater and a denim jacket overtop. Standing arms crossed on the precipice of an ornate building, he stared out over a darkened city skyline; aged over the years but still as magnificent as the sky for which it illuminated miles beyond the city’s borders. The moon shone directly above, highlighting his upper body, casting a shadow that stretched itself out like a cat. Ending at a pair of feet where Kylie stood gaping. As the wind picked up, his hair began to quiver with the breeze. The rest of his body remained alert and motionless. Kylie gasped at the surreal sight, and in an instant, his opaque eyes spotlighted her. She blushed as if she had been caught doing something she shouldn’t. Was it possible to feel like an intruder in your own dream? Nevertheless, she silently portrayed her thanks to the dark for hiding her astonished coloring. A slow smile grew across his once resolute face, revealing a thin foretaste of white teeth. He reached his hand out to her. Unsure of herself, she took a hesitant step back, and rapidly his expression twisted from intrigue to perpetual horror as she stepped backward off the edge of the building, cascading into darkness. To murmur a scream proved impossible as Kylie’s breath was thrust out of her body and left behind to linger at the safety of the rooftop. Plummeting farther down into the night, she merely waited for the deadening thud that was inevitable.
Before hitting the ground, she aimlessly searched for him far above the shadows. The outline of his terror-stricken face appeared as an ashen speck in the distance. She reached out helplessly, attempting to capture his perfect image in her thoughts, then closed her eyes to brace herself for impact. Suddenly, the wind stopped, and a hand clutched Kylies from the darkness.
Opening her eyes, she found herself positioned safely on the rooftop looking into the deep jade eyes of her rescuer. She opened her mouth to speak; then closed it abruptly. He merely smiled, dragging her closer to him, studying her astonished eyes. “Well,” her mind was going to erupt. “I don’t know what to say,” she laughed because she was uneasy, but continued, “thank you doesn’t seem to be enough.” Kylie anticipated his words, but he solely stared back at her with a face that could melt the hardest of hearts. Unable to stand the silence much longer, she convinced herself to make another conscious effort.
“Please say something.”
The words came out of her mouth as a whisper. Finally, he inhaled to speak
“I was born in a cross-fire hurricane, and I howled at my ma in the driving rain.”
“Umm what?” was all she could register, but he ventured on regardless. “But it’s all right now, in fact, it’s a gas! But it’s all right. I’m jumpin jack flash!”
Kylie launched out of bed, before realizing where she was. “Jumping jack flash it’s a gas! Jumping jack flash it’s a gas!” Alarm clock screaming, she catapulted towards the noise, and yanked the blaring monster from its socket. Pitching it across the bedroom, the machine crashed against a burgundy colored wall. Bits of plastic went flying in several different directions, and two energizer batteries went sailing across the wooden floor, striking the opposing wall.“Kylie! What on earth is going on in here?” Her mom yanked the door open with an animal like rage. “Nothing mom, nothing, I’m so sorry I just had a--- moment” Her mom intervened, jabbing her hand towards the alarm clock mess on the floor, and the freshly made abrasion displayed proudly upon the wall. “A moment. You call this a moment! When your brother sees this wall, he' going to have a moment all right. This wall is going to have to be spackled and painted again. You made the biggest deal out of painting it to begin with! These things cost money Kylie, and what a waste! What the heck has gotten into you?”
She eased up a little when she saw the frantic look on Kylies face.
“Hurry up and get ready for school, your running late. Stop pushing that snooze button all the time.” With that statement said, she looked down at the shattered remains of clock. Realizing her contradiction, she began to rub her temples. “I’ll pick up a new one on my way back from work.” Still massaging her head, she turned and left the room, muttering as she ambled down the hall, “I swear teenagers and their sleep. Those snooze buttons will be the death of me.”
“You have no idea.” Kylie said |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1017 comments posted) 10th June 2008 | | The font you used is so small, it's very hard to read. | With Above!
Written by Katanga (1217 comments posted) 10th June 2008 | Hello Becca!
This looks promising, but please up the font, as Mia suggests above . . .
I got as far as ' Tall, lean and powerfully built . . .'
Suggestion: Try to avoid cliches like this.
Cheers!
Looking forward to more . . .
Cheers!
John X |
Written by Canadian_Bacon (110 comments posted) 10th June 2008 | Hi Becca, I apologize if this ends up sounding too negative. Basically the only thing I'm good at as a reviewer is nitpicking grammar, factual errors and continuity issues. I think you may have all 3.
-I see several awkward sentences in the first para. Read it out loud, and try to fix things that don't sound right.
-Capitalize (Kylie) Banks and (Rolling) Stones.
-The Alarm Clock: the clock starts out within groping range from the bed, but later she sprints to it. I think you'd stub a toe pretty bad if you tried to sprint from bed to the bedside table :P
-Plummeting into the darkness: The way you phrased it implies that she fell quite far down. Far enough that she prepared for impact, and that the top of the building became dark. Based on that, it should be impossible for him to grab her hand. Of course, this is a dream we're talking about, and physics doesn't necessarily apply...it just stuck out to me, your call.
-"“A moment you call this a moment! " Add some punctuation after 'moment'. | I Appreciate It
Written by Becca2010 (24 comments posted) 11th June 2008 | -Mike
I just wanted to let you know that I really appreciate the constructive criticism. It really is the exact thing I'm looking for. The other sites that I've posted on are really rather immature about their writings. All of them for some reason can only post fanfics about their sexually fantasies with their preferred band member! haha. But no, you have no need to apologize because I'm very grateful for your critiquing.
 | Hi
Written by Scrawl (80 comments posted) 13th June 2008 | | I found this rather interesting overall, I like the descriptions and the way at the start of the dream sequence she is quite the detached observer but seems to get drawn into it only to be jerked awake as the alarm clock blasts through her dream to wake her. I also lie the typical parental attitude regarding teenagers, and the fairly typical reply -thought not said. | Thank you!
Written by Becca2010 (24 comments posted) 13th June 2008 | | haha I cant believe I missed that... thanks a lot! I'm going to go fix that right now! And I'm glad you thought it was interesting | Hey again!
Written by Goddess (124 comments posted) 14th June 2008 | Heya! I actually really enjoyed this piece!
A couple of typos I found that you could correct (will save doing it when you are editing cos editing is such a nightmare!):
'When your brother sees this wall, he' going to have a moment all right.' - 'he'' should be 'he's'
'She eased up a little when she saw the frantic look on Kylies face.' - 'Kylies' should be 'Kylie's'
'Hurry up and get ready for school, your running late.' - 'your' should be 'you're'
I think that's all I found.
I really liked the story... I need more. Contary to what someone else said I actually like the cliched description of 'tall, lean,... etc' though personally I'm a sucker for good looking men in a story (book?) and I thought the description was perfect, very detailed and it gave the vividness we needed.
I hope I get to see more! If you write next chapter PM me so I get to have a looksee 
Goddess x | Thanks!
Written by Becca2010 (24 comments posted) 15th June 2008 | Goddess,
Im so glad that you enjoyed it! And thank you so much for looking over everything! I'll be sure to PM you when I post more... |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 15th June 2008 | | Yes, Becca, watch out for the little things because they can turn into the big things. I guess you have changed things since you first wrote this piece, but don't forget "Jumping Jack Flash" (isn't it a name and need capitals?) Then . . . . the frantic look on Kylie's face. (apostrophes are important so don't forget to put them in). Then "your running late." = You are running late, so you need an apostrophe to show that a letter is missing in "You're". Little things, but important if you want to be a writer. I did enjoy the story very much and I think you have your first foot on the ladder of being a writer. Good luck Becca. |
Written by SeasideScribbler (8 comments posted) 17th June 2008 | Heya Becca
I want to know what happens next!!!!!!!!!!!! You've intrigued me...:D
Can i make a suggestion to you? I hope you don't mind...with characters it can be more effective to show rather than tell;characterisation. For example
where you wrote "Kylie Banks had never been the type of girl that enjoyed putting herself out there. Most of her seventeen-year-old life had been spent striving to be exactly who she thought she was. Someone, who she still hadn’t seemed to find", you could maybe cut this section and focus more on the description and setting of the scene, and show the reader these personality traits through her style of speech and the way that she acts and interacts with other characters later on in the story or this chapter (like when shes talking to her mum she could be hesitiant in th way she speaks, or maybe she could stutter a little when she addresses the man to show she is uncertain about herself)
And you could show how the man is "Tall, lean and powerfully built" by perhaps the way that he stands, the way that he looks at kylie and the way that he speaks, which in my opinion is a more realistic and effective way of presenting a character, because the reader will learn about who they are and what they are like instead of being told by you
I hope that makes sense and is useful, sorry if i'm wrong, i'm just starting out on here myself
|
Written by bluecity (376 comments posted) 13th July 2008 | Interesting, Becca. This is definitely girl teen read, with a strong hint of Judy Blume.
You will have to fix your SPAGs, but I think you're heard enough about those.
I was uncomfortable about mc being called "Kylie", because that name is so strongly associated with Kylie Minogue and inevitably that was who I saw in my mind's eye. Use find and replace and put in a more neutral name.
Quote:
Was it possible to feel like an intruder in your own dream?
I loved this idea, although most people aren't aware of the fact that they are dreaming.
Your description of your male hunk was lascivious to the point of pornographic. Yes, definitely fancy-able, but I think you could have done more using "Show" not "Tell". For instance, instead of a straight physical description at the beginning of paragraph 3, make him move his "tall, powerfully built" limbs and perhaps allow his russet hair to fall over his face, or for him to shake it. And please delete references to moonlight - just too much of a cliche.
You could've also expanded upon the conflict in Mum's thoughts about the alarm clock at the end. Yes, she was cross with Kylie, but on the other hand concerned about her as well. You might have drawn that out a bit.
You've got a good idea here, Becca, and probably a market too. Stay with it!
Rosemary |
Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 4th August 2008 | Goodness Becca - What a DREAM!! This is a really good story. Congratulations. Do keep writing as I really enjoyed your story. Just one little thing:
your running late = You are = you're
Thanks for a good read! |
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