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Poetry
The Splatter Wagon
By DaleGorder
12 June 2008

In the splatter wagon he goes, tossed from the street.

Horse drawn cart, clatters cobblestone feet,

butchers and bandits left him for dead, crimson clothing, jewelry shed.

Rain will wash the spot where he bled.


Heart not beating but soul alive, skin sealing, death deprived.

In back alley darkness, leaps he from board bed,

becoming the horseman, making driver the dead,

splatter wagon dripping, it's boards being fed.


Beware the splatter wagon, bouncing hell's way,

making corpses of the living, each lovely day.

No longer visible, and no noise it makes,

being driven by Satan, you're soul it takes.


Reviews

Written by fellpony (1616 comments posted) 12th June 2008
Sounds like the Ankou.  
 
Check your (not you're) apostrophes - there shouldn't be one in the possessive "its". 
 
Why did you reverse the words "leaps" and "he" in stanza 2? 
 
A lively take on the idea that just needs a bit of editing.

Written by Robru (219 comments posted) 12th June 2008
I agree about the apostrophe being removed,but the rest of the poem is great just as it is.

Written by Robru (219 comments posted) 12th June 2008
I agree about the apostrophe being removed,but the rest of the poem is great just as it is.

Written by DaleGorder (46 comments posted) 12th June 2008
fellpony, 
Yes, I'm sure my use of "your" isn't proper, one of the signatures of my dyslexia.(as stated on my profile) 
 
Thanks for the editing :) 
 
I reversed "leaps" and "he" to lend a sound of antiquity to content. Did it work? 
 
Robu, Thank you. :)

Written by Phil (6730 comments posted) 12th June 2008
There is an effective atmosphere to this that adds to the overall impact. It is lively (deathly - ha!) part narrative, part descriptive. It felt a little short - almost as if the narrative could have been developed more. 
 
Interesting. 
 
Phil
Like your poetry
Written by writerme (12 comments posted) 15th June 2008
Good writing. :)

Written by Josie (2785 comments posted) 18th June 2008
I would notice the layout first of all. It would be so much better in single spacing with a double space between the verses. You certainly bring out the fact that often there is little concern for human life. He must have been someone's much loved baby once. Sad.

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