Another competition piece. The brief was to write a story in less than 300 words, the inspiration coming from a series of paintings. The painting I chose depicted a young women siting in the bedroom of a run down cottage. The room is bare except for a ragged piece of curtaining and a baby lying in a wooden crib beside the seated woman. The young woman has her hands tightly clenched and she appears to be in a contemplative mood. Sunlight is streaming in through the tiny open window and falling on the face of the child. The period is early/middle 19th century.
The winner/s will have their stories written on the back of a postcard (yes postcard) depicting their chosen scene.
You can see the pictures and the comp at
www.yorkartgallery.org.uk
`I love you, may God keep you both safe!`
These were the last words I heard from you, my sweetest Jack. I was nearly full term when they came for you, dragging you across the cold flagstones and out into the perilous night. I listened to the sound of the wheels of the cart as it bounced down the rutted alley, heard the plaintive cries of the men calling to their loved ones. Then there was nothing. Nothing but the rain beating against the window and the haunting call of a hunting owl.
Eliza is twelve months old today. I sit here, sunlight pushing through the open window, and think of you my dearest Jack. They say you may be in a battle at somewhere called Waterloo. You would be proud I`m sure, how I have managed without you. I take in laundry and do a little dressmaking for the big House. The child has your eyes my sister Mary says, the same beguiling curl of lip. They took her husband too, that terrible night. She sits now in quiet contemplation, her eyes forever fixed on the broken latch, and waits.
I pray often Jack. Pray for your safe deliverance from the guns and unimaginable mutilation. But most I pray for Eliza. Am I wrong my beloved husband? Should I not wish for our child to grow strong and healthy, a permanent reminder of a good and honest man?
It is growing dark now, uneasy shadows crawl across the splintered floor. Our beautiful child sleeps, a slumber bereft of hateful thoughts. She is truly her father`s child… |
Hello Written by littledom2008 (95 comments posted) 12th June 2008 |
This is really good. You fit a whole lot of story into a very small amount of words and manage to keep it readable. Well done. D.C |
A Soldiers Child Written by awakenedmind (48 comments posted) 12th June 2008 |
Alright I'll come clean I was almost (note only almost) in tears! You have hit the 'spot' well. Michael |
Written by lovelysarah1984 (82 comments posted) 12th June 2008 |
| Couldn't believe how short and touching this was. It's great, very emotional in such a short amount of time. Well done! |
Written by Phil (6836 comments posted) 12th June 2008 |
Odd they should choose a round painting for a postcard! Very well written. A simple story, but laced with powerful emotion and the strength of history behind it. There's something very strong in this line: her eyes forever fixed on the broken latch - again - simple but powerful. I like it very much. As above - a lot in a short space. Good luck with it. There's definitely quality here, it should do well. Phil |
Written by TwistedTales (548 comments posted) 12th June 2008 |
Ohh what a beautiful tale. The power of words...i was slightly put off by the word mutilation - it kind of jarred...and also when the narrator talks about her sister - "quiet contemplation" - "sits quietly" or something like that, i think would have been enough. But a very touching story - story, because it has an arc - it ties ends, yet leaves the reader with so many thoughts..it's one of those kinds that stay with you long after you've read it ....here wishing you the all the best for the competition... Regards, TT |
Written by mia_ms_kim (1054 comments posted) 12th June 2008 |
Beautiful. Seems a real piece of history is told with so few words. Mia |
In the Round Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 13th June 2008 |
Littledom, Awake, Sarah, Phil, Twisted and Mia. Many thanks for your time and comments. Roger PS Phil. Perhaps they are bringing out a new round postcard! |
Written by coosh (888 comments posted) 13th June 2008 |
A commercial postcard? Royalties from sales at WH Smiths, across the country? Chosen scene: Woodcock Mansions. Liked the idea of a reflective moment in someone's life, with the historical setting. Achieved a considerable amount of information and emotion in so few words. Good luck. You deserve it.
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Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 13th June 2008 |
I suppose the scene is a little reminiscent of our own main bedroom David. As for the royalties, just think, I`d be able to put wallpaper on the walls... All the best Roger |
Written by DaleGorder (46 comments posted) 13th June 2008 |
hello Woody, I'm new here so pay little mind to me if you wish. I think you did a wonderful job of saying a lot in a short space. Well done. I found one tiny thing that flashed at me. You said, "I take in laundry and do a little dressmaking for the big House" I think if i had written it, I would have went with "to pay rent"..something to imply her current status of poverty? ...just a thought. But again, well done. |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 13th June 2008 |
Hi Dale, thanks for your comments. I take your point about the `to pay rent` but that would have gone against the first ethos of storytelling `show don`t tell`. By saying what she did she has already implied to the reader her need to earn extra money. You knew this by what she said and so would any other reader. Thanks again for taking the time to review. Happy writing Roger
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Always enjoy Written by beatricelouise (215 comments posted) 13th June 2008 |
your work, Woody. I thought this piece was filled with such great imagery. the haunting call of a hunting owl the same beguiling curl of lip Well done! |
Written by Nick (163 comments posted) 14th June 2008 |
Great little story - wish I could say more but I'm in a bit of a rush and to be honest I think everything has been said already. Good luck with the comp. Nick |
Written by DaleGorder (46 comments posted) 14th June 2008 |
Woody, Yes, as it's written you could be right. Please excuse my intrusion.  |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 15th June 2008 |
Thanks Beatrice and Nick Dale. please don`t apologise for the `intrusion` As writers we all need `feedback` and your comments are always welcome. Roger |
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