A poem I wrote about a girl I really liked, I didin't manage to be with her but I still like the poem. All ratings and Rewviews welcome.
Your smile tells me something you don’t know
Like the special feelings I want to show
You remind me of somewhere I’ve never been
Were I have no fear just a light within.
When you smile I could never frown
Things just make sense when you’re around
I’d like to compare you to a summer’s day
But it’s been a while since I’ve seen one I’m afraid.
Thinking of your face makes me warm inside
And every time I see it the feeling gets harder to hide
The burning desire raging inside.
Your hair blonde or red
It’s all the same to me
Just make sure it’s tied back
To let the world see how beautiful you are
Your face may not launch a thousand ships
But it will inspire many guitar rifts.
Whoever is with you is a lucky man
If you end up with me god despite his wrongs
I’d have to thank, for you’d make me smile
And I’d hold you in the rain
Your smile alone would keep me straight and sane.
I’d do anything to be by your side
Or see you happy is that a crime?
To lay with you in the snow
To see your art and watch it grow.
Is it your beauty that keeps me away?
Or the pain without that I can’t seem to sway?
As the days I’m without you grow
And chances to tell you slip away.
Of all the things that you can be
All the things you want to be
There is only one thing I want you to be
And that’s mine.
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Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 13th June 2008 |
| May I politely ask if you gave this poem to her, and what did she say? Or did she never know of these feelings? |
Superb Bathos! Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 13th June 2008 |
Hello again Adam! Strongly felt and strongly expressed - like it! My only suggestion is that you try and get a more regular rhythm flowing . . . I particularly like the bathos (formal term for a kind of spine-tingling 'saggy let-down' - sorry if you already know the word!) in the two lines: 'I'd like to compare you to a summer's day But it's been a while since I've seen one I'm afraid.' Doesn't scan, but I think it's brilliant! Reminds me strongly of what is, for me, the supreme example of bathos by the master of it in song, dear old Morrissey: And if you want to go to work tomorrow, If I were you, I wouldn't bother, For there are brighter sides to Life, And I should know, because I've seen them - But not very often. Wow! Yours is close to that! Do you know it? Oooooh! That reminds me of the other supreme example - Morrissey again: "Oh take me to the Heaven of your bed!" Is something that you never said. Oh gosh! The Master of Bathos, or what?!!!!! Cheers! More please! John X
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Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 14th June 2008 |
| This is no good Adam. I'm longing to know if your love poem worked on your Apphrodite or not? I've never had a love poem written for me. She is lucky. So did it? |
Written by Goddess (124 comments posted) 14th June 2008 |
*contemplates this* I dont think I've ever had a love poem written for me either! I really enjoyed this poem from start to finish (trying not to repeat with others previously said but...) I loved how you conveyed your feelings in the poem. I especially liked: 'Your smile tells me something you don’t know Like the special feelings I want to show ' A very beautifully written poem and I second all of Josie's questions!!! Goddess x |
Josie and Goddess! Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 14th June 2008 |
Josie - you've never had a love poem written for you? This saddens me . . . I feel an irresistible (able?) challenge rising within me. Beware! Goddess - you too? Oh dear! Likewise, Beware! Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever had a love poem written for me either . . . Sniff! Now, where's my hanky and that ever-elusive corkscrew?! Adam, I'm not forgetting your good self here - just read your poem yet again, and I still rerally rate it as per my original review above! Cheers All! John X
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How it went Written by Adam_S (11 comments posted) 14th June 2008 |
To put your mind at bay I never had the chance to share this poem with its intended, I did however ask to go out with her and which she replied that she'd think about it as she was currently single. after swapping texts over the next few days. she told me she wasn't interested. I found out from her friend that she had been going out with a guy while I asked her and she was just leading me on. Alas my heart did bleed and I wrote more angry poems with her in mind which I will not share here. Sorry to ruin things for you guys, there is another girl I like but i just can't seem to write one about her yet. |
Not Ruined! Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 14th June 2008 |
Well, don't write about this other girl until you're ready . . . But I look forward to something in your own good time . . . Not meaning to be flippant, but - Good luck with it / her / a future one! Cheers! John X |
Written by Josie (2847 comments posted) 14th June 2008 |
| Oh Adam, I am sorry. Life can be hard!!! She doesn't know what she missed. Someone to write a love poem for her? Well not many do that th ese days. One day you will meet the right one and you can have a lifetime of writing love poems (like John). |
Written by Goddess (124 comments posted) 15th June 2008 |
I second Josie again. She was very wrong not to go out with you. Silly girl. Not every day you get a love poem written for you! Again I compliment you on your beautiful poem! x |
Here! Here! Written by Katanga (1537 comments posted) 15th June 2008 |
I'm with Goddess and Josie all the way! She wasted a golden opportunity . . . But maybe she was into footballers, body-builders and the like, in which case you had a lucky escape?! I'm proudly poetically puny and skinny myself . . . So much so, that I have to run around in the shower to get wet! Okay, an old corny one, but what the hell?! All the best, Cheers! John X |
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