Great Writing - Home > Short S. > Blender...... ( a ghost story)
READING ROOM
Great Writing - Home
Read and review others' work
Articles on writing
Advice from the community
COMMUNITY
Talk to others in the forums
Events and Competitions
GW News
ABOUT GREAT WRITING
All About Us
Contact Us
WORK AWAITING REVIEW
GW IS...
Great Writing creative writing community is designed to prompt ideas and provide inspiration and motivation within aspiring and amateur authors. Whatever your topic; from love poetry to Doctor Who or Harry Potter fan fiction, Great Writing's online writing group is where you can make new friends and improve your creative writing.
WHO'S ONLINE
We have 1231 guests online and 7 members online
Shorts
Blender...... ( a ghost story)
By DaleGorder
14 June 2008

1880, somewhere in the Dakota"s, on a crisp fall day...


      The body hung from a handmade rope, still swaying gently from the door that life had just closed on it. The old sagging barn timber had held the weight with no objection. The barn walls ignored the screams that had penetrated them just moments earlier. The screams reverberated off emptiness and collapsed into whatever I am.


      Two vicious dogs barked at a tree full of nesting crows scattering them to flight as the buggy approached the homestead. The dogs turned their attention to the doctor driving the buggy. The horse unknowingly trotted forward pulling the buggy and contents into fate.


      A dead baby isn't an unusual sight for a mother nearing death herself. Eleanor knew her baby may be still born as her own ending had been near. But for death to reap so closely would have been a shock to anyone who would have witnessed.


       The two vicious dogs began to fight each other, tearing patches of skin loose, neither would break away. Both set on killing each other they mortally wounded each other and continued snapping even as they died.

         The aging doctor found sadness as he entered the log cabin. A black feather whisked across the floor from the breeze of his passing boot. On a bed laid Eleanor and the new born baby both dead. He turned an looking through the one glass window he could see the body hanging in the barn.

          The horse suddenly bolted, head down at a full gallop dragging the buggy behind, it slammed itself into the tree where the crows had been. A broken neck it thrashed beside the torn bloody dogs before finding it's own death.

           The doctor stood alone in disbelief, listening to his own screams echo as he once again recognized his own corpse hanging from the rope.

        
       I try and count the crows returning to the tree, but I never get past four.

Reviews

Written by Canadian_Bacon (110 comments posted) 14th June 2008
There were a few awkward sentences, but for the most part well-written. 
 
The point of view was interesting, but I'm not sure if I understand...is it narrated by a ghost or something? Perhaps you could ad bits to make this more clear. 
 
Also, consider playing around with different sentence structures. Your sentences pretty much all sound the same. Don't be afraid to link thoughts together (and, or, but, etcc) to make longer sentences, and stuff like that. 
 
-Mike

Written by DaleGorder (46 comments posted) 14th June 2008
Canadian, 
 
Thank you for the comments. Yes it's narrated by the ghost of the Doctor. The last sentence in the first paragraph " The screams reverberated off emptiness and collapsed into whatever I am." 
 
And the very last sentence of the story, " I try and count the crows returning to the tree, but I never get past four" ties it all in. That also explains I think why the voice is the same. :) 
 
I find narrative from the dead a fun thing to write. I've done some others I may post in time. Thanks again. :)

Written by Emmuttmax (161 comments posted) 14th June 2008
Dale, 
 
I have to agree with CB; although most of this was well written, it was also a bit too muddled. I don't think the fist and last sentences tied the story together; perhaps if you'd been clearer in the exposition it might have worked. 
 
One thing I suggest you avoid is the overuse of the word "had." It is a common mistake. When you use a verb in the past tense, you usually don't need "had." Example: "The barn walls ignored the screams that had penetrated them just moments earlier.had
 
You don't need "had."

Written by DaleGorder (46 comments posted) 14th June 2008
Em, 
Yes, I agree with you and I see the point with "had" definitely not needed. And thanks for the input. 
 
Possibly I missed with this story?  
 
I did deliberately try and deceive the reader slightly with a mind bender. That's why I named it "Blender"  
 
I was hoping the reader would skim over the narrator in the opening paragraph and then "get it" in the end adding to shock value. The first paragraph was a "tell" but deliberately not strong.  
 
You guys are great..please keep the critiques coming as I blunder along. :)

Written by Phil (6645 comments posted) 15th June 2008
Lots of atmosphere here, Dale. That was effectively done. I agree with the comments above - both make good points. Picking up on the slightly muddled nature that has been mentioned. - While atmosphere is created well, I think it has been done at the cost of narrative. If the piece is to tell a story, that has to shine through. The build up of tension, fear etc is very important, but without a clear enough structure to the narrative they don't always stand on their own. 
 
Enjoyed the read. I'll look out for more. 
 
Phil

Written by woody44 (774 comments posted) 15th June 2008
Hi Dale. The macabre certainly seems to be your style. As already has been mentioned, I think you need to vary the length of your sentences. By dropping in shorter ones you highten the impact of the writing. You certainly have an eye for description but be careful not to overdo it as again it lessens the whole. 
I loved the opening sentence re the body and the door, and the boot causing a breeze was well observed. I think I may have left the paragraph about the dead child and elderly mother until later in the story when the doctor steps inside the building, again hightening the affect. I think also you could have found a better way of conveying to the reader that both the mother and child were dead without actually saying it .Again it comes down to showing not telling. 
I hope I haven`t appeared too critical because you certainly have a feel for words and you obviously enjoy the process of writing. I wish you well. 
 
Roger

Written by DaleGorder (46 comments posted) 15th June 2008
Phil and woody, 
 
Thank you both for your words. This is a great pleasure for me to have such knowledgeable critique from you guys. Please honor me with more on anything I write. :)
Hi
Written by Scrawl (80 comments posted) 15th June 2008
I enjoyed the story but was confused by the reverberating screams at the beginning, i would have thought that screaming would have been difficult for the hanged man. I liked the detail eg hand made rope and the imagery eg a door that life had just closed, but wondered about the narrators identity until the end.

Written by DaleGorder (46 comments posted) 15th June 2008
Scrawl, 
Thanks for the wonderful critique. The scream is supposed to be the ghost who is helplessly trapped and keeps killing himself over and over. :)
I AGREE
Written by bobc (49 comments posted) 15th June 2008
Well thought. The fusing of structure might be easier for the reader. But as a novice, I might not be a good reader yet. Love the spiritual side! :) Thanks for the heads-up to here, BTW.

Written by mia_ms_kim (973 comments posted) 15th June 2008
It took a while for me to work out the 'I' and the 'doctor'. I did get it, but after some scratching of my head. I guess you wanted to depict something unusual happening as if the two personalities were one yet two etc. Again, an unusual imagination. 
 
Mia 8)

   Only registered users can rate and write comments.
   Please login or register.

Powered by AkoComment 2.0!

Next item