... This poem I will acknowledge needs a lot of work. This was set as a challenge in one of my classes to write a poem about Nature with 6 line stanzas and trimeter (3 stresses per line) but unfortunately I found this really very difficult as I'm never quite sure how to work the stresses and unstresses *sigh* so I thought I'd come to see what some poet thinks. Trying to improve my meter so any crits and comments would be helpful! (sorry for the long introduction!)
A flower is beautiful and divine
None of this is mine
It is blessed by God in heaven
Every tree in view – five and six and seven -
Each crafted by God’s Grace
Against the Devil he does race.
A bat is beautiful and divine
None of this is mine.
We fear its charcoal shape
“A Devil beast in its cape!”
People do cry in their plight.
Only in stories bats are demons of the night.
A person is beautiful and divine
None of this is mine.
All God’s blessings die.
Our fairytale endings are nigh.
Nature reminds us of the peril
That God faces from the unnatural Devil.
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Written by NathanRoberts (277 comments posted) 14th June 2008 |
Sorry, not very confident with meter myself, but the final lines of stanza two and three have five and four stresses, I think.
'People do cry in their plight.' You could drop the awkward 'do' and be ok for stresses, I think.
'Every tree in view – five and six and seven -'
has at least five stresses for me, six, probably as there is an implied stress on 'every'.
Quite a tricky task, but I like your first two lines in each stanza. Was rhyme essential for the task?
Hopefully someone more qualified in meter will lend you a hand.
Cheers and good luck. |
Written by Goddess (124 comments posted) 14th June 2008 |
I think it had to rhyme too which is why I was having such a hard time trying to crack it.
Thank you very much for your help!
Goddess x |
Wonderful!
Written by Katanga (1182 comments posted) 14th June 2008 |
I agree with Rob above - the first two lines of each stanza are so good that it makes it worthwhile to try and sort out the meter . . .
A few humbly clumsy suggestions to keep to trimeters:
'A flower is simply divine
None of this is mine.
It's blessed by God in Heaven
Trees, five, six and seven
Each crafted by God's grace
In his and the Devil's race.
A bat is simply divine
None of this is mine.
We fear its charcoal shape
"A Devil beast in its cape!"
People cry in their plight,
"A demon of the night!"
A person is simply divine
None of this is mine.
All God's blessings die.
Our fairytale endings are nigh.
Nature tells us the peril
God faces from the Devil.'
Ha! I think this now just about passes the 'trimeter test'? But some lines read rather awkwardly, so I think more work is still needed.
Hope this has been helpful?
Cheers!
John X
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Thank you
Written by Goddess (124 comments posted) 14th June 2008 |
Thank you very much John. Thats very helpful. I know it needed lots of work on the meter so I really appreciate the help!
I'll take a look at the lines again to hopefully polish it up.
Thanks again, John.
Goddess x |
Written by mia_ms_kim (997 comments posted) 15th June 2008 |
What an unusual poem. It is beautiful in a strange way. And the way you juxtapose God and devil - it is very interesting. You mention flower - the symbol of beauty. Then the bat - a creature normally associated with the dark. Both are beautiful, you say. Then you mention human, and the woeful end that awaits us. You seem to say death is unnatural and of the devil, ie. evil???
As I said before, this seems strangely beautiful, innocent, and yet thought-provoking. What an interesting mind you have, goddess!
Mia  |
Mia
Written by Goddess (124 comments posted) 16th June 2008 |
Thank you very much for your comment, I'm glad its thought-provoking... not quite sure what was going through my mind when I wrote it! I was trying to show that even things that people are afraid of are actually beautiful in nature - like the bat... not sure how I managed to turn the whole poem towards God and the Devil but it seemed to make sense in my mind at the time!
Thank you again for your comment!
Goddess |
Written by Josie (2780 comments posted) 18th June 2008 |
| Well,Goddess, you are doing your best and at least you know when you need more work on your poem. You have already had lots of good advice, so why not just give the poem an overhaul and post it again. Good luck. I can't begin to tell you the number of times I've changed poems. Sometimes one poem can get changed up to 20 times before I am satisfied. Work hard. |
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