Title-wise, a vain attempt at the Emmuttmax creative process.
SCENE 1: [Ext. Early morning in chocolate-box Austria. Euro 2008. BBC football commentator and human statistical computer, John Motson, has been drawn to a side-street in Innsbruck by the memory of a strudel (November 1964, Fairs Cup, 2nd round, 2nd leg, floodlight failure). He contemplates a shop window, across which a red curtain has been drawn – but recognises, from the menu secured to the glass, the German words for “foot”, “ball” and “Viennese Whirl”. Brushing the snow from his trademark sheepskin coat, his hand moves instinctively towards the door – they’ve obviously turned it into some sort of sports-themed pâtisserie]
SCENE 2: [Int. Motson finds himself in a dimly-lit reception. The lady in dark glasses standing next to a small table appears to be called Frau Gigi, but alluringly reminds him of a no-nonsense left-back at Wolverhampton Wanderers in the late Eighties]
FRAU GIGI: [as enticingly as is humanly possible in German] Möchten Sie etwas zum Erwärmen haben?
MOTSON: [Uncertain. Didn’t he concede a last-minute corner on his debut away at Stoke? Motson decides she’s talking about the previous night’s heavy snowfall, and gives her a reassuring wink] Yes, the game is still very much on, I fancy.
FRAU GIGI: [nods] Gut! [open-armed, “Well, what?” gesture] Und?
MOTSON: Strudel, please.
FRAU GIGI: [intrigued but obliging – shouts through hatch behind her] Monikaaa!!! Eine [inverted commas + sexy wiggle of hips] “Fancy”, bitte. [thinks] Mitt shtroodel!! [looks at Motson and points (or salutes) to his right] Umkleide-Raum!
[Motson heads pensively towards the ornate rope tassels dangling across the doorway. Or was it Norwich City? Seeing a green and yellow leather bra in a catering environment has conjured up thoughts of Delia. It was at times like these he wished Trevor Brooking could be with him]
SCENE 3: [Int. It looks like a small gym. A cuckoo clock says 09:30. Motson has been strapped naked to a long table, but has managed to retain the priceless sheepskin coat, and thus his dignity. Monika hangs vertically above his midriff, in some metal chain/harness structure. She is giving him a Fijian foot massage in an area John hasn’t used since his honeymoon. Her feet have been suitably adorned with the requested items of confectionery]
MUSIC: [loud to fade] Joe Cocker: ‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’ (Alpine re-mix version).
[It is Monika’s first day. Last week she was a hairdresser. She made it to the end of page one of the company customer care manual, but then just went out and got pissed]
MONIKA: Haff you been on your holidays yet ziss year?
[Monika is reminded through an ear-piece that this is a non-tourist question]
MOTSON: No, but I’m – ooh! - taking the wife on a surprise visit to the – whoar!! - Peter Shilton Museum in Leicester this autumn. [impressed by her ball skills] Have you ever been – pooffff!! – scouted by any of the big clubs round here?
MONIKA: Football???!!! I hate ziss game, viz a passion!! I vud rather be locked up in a basement and abused by an old pervert for tventy-five years zan votch stupid men running round grass rectangles….
MOTSON: Aaargh!! [in fear of being nutmegged, he delves through the cobwebs of his database of Tyrolean chat-up lines] Quite extraordinary the number of evil monsters Austria has produced over the years, don’t you think…. Hitler, Jörg Haider, ‘The Sound of Music”…. foooffff!!!
MONIKA: [remembers clause 1, paragraph 2.3 of the manual] Zee high gluten content of zee pastry means it vill be some time before zer emerges zee full effects of zee apple filling. You must take your mind off zee situation. Uzzerwise, it vill be all over before zee first cuckoo. Maybe you can sink of statistics, of some sort….
SCENE 4: [Clock says 20:15. Deep into extra time. Monika was substituted mid-morning suffering from cramp. Now replaced by a budding gymnast from Bratislava; the wages are cheaper. Motson is disappointed at how long it has taken him to remember every Southern Premier League match official whose surname begins or ends with “h”. His non-football conversation openers have not improved]
MOTSON: If Slovakia had been west of the Czech Republic, would they have originally called the country Slovachekia?
[Mobile ringtone: “Nice One Cyril”- Spurs, 1973]
MOTSON: [contd] Trevor??!! Help me! Yes! I know you know. It’s been bugging me all day. [growing excitement] Sent off, quarter-final, 26th minute, minor altercation with club mascot [building to a crescendo] Trevor! Stop teasing me! Just say it! Yes!! That’s it! [seconds to blast-off] Yes!! [avalanche] for Queens Park Rangers!!!! Oh my God!!! [no goalkeeper in the world could have stopped that one]
MUSIC: Climactic ‘Match of the Day’ theme tune – it’s Alf Ramsey, Brian Clough, Winston Churchill, Sir Francis Drake and Gaby Logan all rolled into one dramatic moment of ecstasy. The trophy is raised, the champagne uncorked.
MOTSON: [contd., in spite of pulling a hamstring.] You’ll never guess what he’s doing now…
CUT TO: [Shop reception. A more relaxed Frau Gigi, with stubble, removes her dark glasses and wig. Motson’s credit card has just been authorised. The BBC licence fee may be increased this year]
FRAU GIGI: [picks up phone and lights large cigar] News of Zee Vurld? Regarding zee non-participation of zee English in Euro 2008, I haff more…. You vont zee full re-run, or just zee main highlights? Believe me, ziss vill knock spots off Gary Lineker yodelling through zat blueberry mousse…
* Further coverage of today’s action in Austria continues after the News. Viewers in Scotland have their own programmes, involving Archie MacPherson.
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Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 15th June 2008 |
A master class of using stage directions for humour. How it would be performed to include all that, I don't know - Motson voice over?
The funniest piece of yours I've read to date - helped, no doubt, by the fact I can't stand Motson. While I know virtually nothing about scripting, I reckon this is one of the most complete pieces I've seen here.
Excellent.
Phil
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Ooops
Written by Phil (7001 comments posted) 15th June 2008 |
| Shame Emmuttmax won't understand many of the the references in this (I'm guessing) I reckcon it would be right up his alley. |
Written by woody44 (777 comments posted) 15th June 2008 |
As Phil says, one of your best David. It was worth it just for the image of Motty, plus jacket, getting that massage. The stage direction really added to the piece and the `minor`characters were so well drawn.
What next? A naked Willie Carson chained to a bed reciting all the Derby runners for the past fifty years to a jockey-clad Clare Balding?
Overall a delight to read. Please tell me you are sending this somewhere...
Roger. |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 15th June 2008 |
Many thanks, Phil and Woody. I guess there would be a lot of "Int. Mon." (Is it "Interior" or "Internal" monologues with scripts? What's the difference?). Motson seems to be getting a touch of the Murray Walkers these days - everyone can see it might have been a handball, but minutes later John is saying "the players are complaining about some infringement in the box, I think, Mark".
Interesting image, Woody. I've always wondered what Willie keeps in that box he has to stand on, when talking to Clare. Cheers. |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 15th June 2008 |
| Who do you suggest I send it to, Woody? Is there still a football magazine called 'Shoot!'? |
Hi Coosh
Written by jean.day (2387 comments posted) 16th June 2008 |
When we were in Guernsey lately, I was given a book to read about the slaves (mostly Russians and Ples) who were forced to build the defensive wall around the island. One of the subplots of the story is how one of the French prostitues brought in to service the German officers, wrote a diary, and detailed how her Captain much liked having her in a harness strategically poised over the bed. Apparently twisting the harness at the appropriate time added to the delight. And for a price, when he was gone, the others shared the experience.
Perhaps all Germans have this sort of toy. |
Written by fellpony (1749 comments posted) 16th June 2008 |
I admit I wasn't entirely sure what John Motson ought to look like (I recognise the voice but it doesn't come over (sorry) so well in text. But the sheepskin jacket confirmed I was thinking of the right person. The only thing I need to ask you is, Why? What has Motty done to deserve either your or Monika's attention? 
The image of Monika dangling with strudel on her feet was wonderfully surreal.
"Is it "Interior" or "Internal" monologues with scripts?" - I would say it's internal, coosh -- interior would only mean it was indoors  |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 16th June 2008 |
Marvellous piece of information, Jean! I feel something Extended coming on. Apart from Max Moseley, the idea was sparked off more by a back massage I came across in South America; no harness and chains, just a couple of ropes, so a fair amount of upper body strength required on the part of the masseuse - this offers greater flexibility in terms of adjustment and control of the foot pressure on the body.
However, any future forays into kinky sex games in countries formerly subject to Nazi occupation, and I shall certainly consult you before posting. Many thanks.
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Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 16th June 2008 |
| Well, in spite of the sheepskin, fellpony, there's a certain dull anorakiness to Mr. Motson, which I felt might contrast to some effect with the nature of his predicament here - still waters, and all that - purely experimental. A bit like discovering a trainspotter being introduced to swinging, perhaps, but taking it all on board in a matter-of-fact kind of way. Thanks for the feedback - and the info - logically, what you say makes perfect sense. |
Written by Livinginanattic (473 comments posted) 16th June 2008 |
Excellent choice of musical references. I had to look up the Joe Cocker song on Youtube - wonder what the Alpine remix would sound like? The 'Nice One Cyril' ringtone and the Match of the Day theme tune were just perfect for these situations.
Another very funny, quality piece of work with some brilliant innuendo.
Cheers,
Ben |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 16th June 2008 |
Well, maybe a line of guys in national costume, with those long Alpine horns, echoing through the snowy valleys. Bit nippy for Kim, mind you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9yCvd86-P4
Many thanks. |
Written by Veronica_Milvus (768 comments posted) 16th June 2008 |
Coosh - what an imagination! (or is there a modicum of first hand knowledge involved here?) I did laugh out loud at the "Alpine remix" version" "haff you been on your holidays" and the ooh! whoar poof! bit.
I'm going to have to look up "nutmegged" though. Unless the spice in question is on the strudels.
Quality stuff. Should go to John Colshaw for "Dead Ringers". |
Written by Emmuttmax (203 comments posted) 16th June 2008 |
Coosh,
Although I don't know who John Motson is, it didn't distract me from enjoying your wonderful lunacy. I'm a fan. |
Written by coosh (923 comments posted) 17th June 2008 |
First hand experience? It all comes from a "friend of a friend", you understand.
Stick a pair of shiny cowboy boots and stetson on him, the old Texan chic, keep the sheepskin, I reckon he'd be quite marketable over there...
Many thanks |
Written by Brett (1001 comments posted) 23rd June 2008 |
One of the funniest things I have read! Must come to this side more often. Loved the Peter Shilton Museum!
And if anyone deserves this mockery it's Motty! I thought this was great, had me howling!
Cheers |
Written by Asferthecat (859 comments posted) 25th June 2008 |
| Hilarious. No way could it ever be performed, but joyously funny. |
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